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Spanish population slowly returning to Spain after visit from Jeremy Clarkson

The people of Spain are slowly returning to their country this morning, after fleeing to avoid a visit by Jeremy Clarkson.

With high unemployment, recession and crippling debts to contend with, a visit by the team from Top Gear was the last thing that Spain needed.

“We didn’t have the resources to contain him, so we sent out the signal to ‘abandon country’”, explained President Mariano Rajoy.

“Sometimes its better to realise you’re in a fight you can’t win.”

With airports, motorways and whole cities left boarded-up and abandoned, Clarkson was disappointed to find little left for him to be racist at.

“I enjoy visiting Spain in a car that costs half their GDP”, explained Clarkson. “There’s nothing more satisfying than being better off than some foreigner.”

But after 2 hours of searching for someone who looked a bit ‘swarthy and lazy’, the team gave up, and did some burn-outs and donuts.

Top Gear in Spain

Rajoy single-handedly looked after Spain while Top Gear was there, and spoke of his dread as he saw them approach.

“There was this deafening roar as they emerged through the heat haze”, said Rajoy.

“A strong smell of petrol and a convoy of support Land Rovers. The noise was too much, it was driving me insane. But then he stopped for a moment to breathe in.”

Rajoy explained how he hid behind a rock to avoid being patronised, and watched as Clarkson and May dressed the small one up as a donkey.

“They dragged him up a church tower and threatened to shove him off”, said Rosa. “You could tell he was scared, because he agreed that Porsches are necessary. Then the other two laughed and set fire to a sombrero.”

Eventually, the trio got bored and drifted off through Portugal, allowing the Spanish to return to their country.

“It was tough time, but you have to look on the positives”, said Rajoy.

“The economy is in much better shape now, thanks to how much those idiots spent on petrol.”

Use of guns to legally kill people still making USA ‘the place to be’

People shooting other people in a perfectly legal manner has once again seen the USA top the list of places you should definitely want to visit.

With George Zimmerman completely exonerated for shooting unarmed teenager Trayvon Martin, experts have said the United States represents an incredible opportunity for thrill-seeking tourists.

Tour operated Simon Williams told us, “Why waste time looking at arts and crafts in some third world shit hole, when you can face the excitement of an over zealous self-proclaimed neighbourhood watcher shooting you because you looked at him funny?”

“Nowhere else in the world can you get that adrenaline hit from just walking down the street.”

“Well, technically there are plenty of places you could face this level of danger of getting hot, but nowhere else where it’s perfectly legal for them to do it.”

“Of course, if you’re white middle-class the thrill of genuine danger is likely to be a little less – we’re sorry but that’s just the way it is.”

George Zimmerman cleared

Williams went on to say that if you’re a white middle class person, you might want to consider ‘blacking up’ in order to get the full ‘US experience’.

“It really is a thrill a minute.  You won’t know if you’re likely to be stopped and searched by police, put in prison, or simply shot.”

“Literally anything could happen to you – but you must remember to be black. That bit is important.”

 

Kevin McCloud lives on new-build estate

GRAND Designs presenter Kevin McCloud lives on an estate called The Glades, it has emerged. The red door really sets it apart.

McCloud’s red-brick semi is officially Number 24 but has a nameplate describing it as The Haven.

The structure is otherwise identical to the rest of the homes in the cul-de-sac, although as McCloud tells first-time visitors ‘it’s the one with the floral print wheelie bin’.

McCloud’s cleaner Mary Fisher said: “Kevin’s got a triptych of canvas-effect prints of snowy woodland in his living room, above his black leather DFS recliner.

“The centrepiece however is a flatscreen telly with massive speakers that he got off Gumtree.

“The floors are laminate but he absolutely freaks out if you come in with your shoes on.

“The downstairs toilet features a pop-art style picture of the Minis from The Italian Job and a stocking filler comedy book of golfing anecdotes. The soap is lots of little bits of old soap stuck together in one big lump.

“Kevin’s duvet has got pictures of parrots on it.”

McCloud’s spokesman said the presenter spends his time at the property working in the garden shed, a converted Victorian distilling vat roofed entirely in reclaimed ceramic tiling.

Apple fans queue overnight for tax avoidance scheme

APPLE’S diehard fans are queuing outside the company’s stores eager to snap-up the latest beautifully designed way of avoiding tax. Cook said the device makes Apple’s profit look like $6.

The device, unveiled during an expertly stage-managed Senate hearing in Washington DC yesterday, combines Apple’s iOS platform with an accountant who is a total and utter shit.

Chief executive Tim Cook said the new system was incredibly powerful, allowing massive companies to be avoiding tax within 10 seconds of switching it on.

He added: “This is all about the simplicity of the Cloud. For instance, you can put your profits in the Cloud and then put the Cloud in the Cayman Islands.”

Cook said Apple’s accountants had been inspired by legendary chief designer Sir Jonathan Ive and had developed a sleek, streamlined system that can make it look as if Sir Jonathan Ive does not actually exist.

Apple accountant Martin Bishop said: “We can use the device to make any multinational company look like a particularly unsuccessful part-time handy man.

“It’s like something out of science fiction.”

Cook said the scheme would be available from Apple stores from midnight tonight and will cost 20 million pounds and ninety-nine pence .

Gay Divorce yet to be legalised

 

 

Three ‘blind’ mice lose disability benefits in welfare crackdown

The three blind mice made famous in the popular nursery rhyme have been stripped of their disability benefits, the Department for Work and Pensions confirmed today.

‘Following a reassessment for the new Personal Independence Payments,’ explained Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan-Smith, ‘our investigations showed that none of the three mice was in fact blind, although they were assessed as suffering from ‘mild’ sight conditions. As a result they have been reassigned as fit for work and have had their benefits cancelled with immediate effect, and we might even prosecute them for benefits fraud.’

The mice have vowed the fight the decision however, arguing that it was not their intention to deceive anyone by referring to themselves as blind. ‘What were we supposed to do?’ asked one. ‘Two short-sighted mice and one with a slight astigmatism doesn’t sound too catchy does it? It was just a convenient label. And as none of us can really wear glasses or contact lenses it’s jolly hard running away from farmers’ wives trying to cut off our tails.’ The DWP has confirmed that their lack of tails doesn’t affect ability to work either.

The three mice aren’t the only inhabitants of nursery rhymes to have their benefits taken away following the switch in some parts of the country away from Disability Living Allowance. Last week Jack, who tripped whilst fetching a pail of water with his sister Jill, was told he could no longer claim on the grounds of his head injury, as it wasn’t as bad as first thought and he has now been deemed fit for work. Humpty Dumpty has also been reassessed after claiming for many years that he couldn’t be put back together again following his great fall off a wall.

Shadow Work and Pensions Secretary Liam Byrne argued that the experiences of the blind mice highlighted the flawed nature of the Government’s welfare reforms. ‘It’s not just the disabled who are losing out either,’ he said. ‘Yesterday I was talking to The Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe, who has so many children she doesn’t know what to do but has still had her benefits capped at £500 a week. She’s now going to have to send her children to bed having only had broth for tea, not even any bread. Although to be fair, she’s been doing that for a while anyway.’

However, the Daily Mail insisted she deserved to lose all her benefits, having recently run an exposé on her revealing that all her children were to different fathers, most had ASBOs and the she spent most of her benefits on booze, fags, takeaways and wide-screen TVs.

Thousands of outdoor smokers perish during UK ‘Big Freeze’

Figures released today reveal that 15,436 UK smokers froze to death during the month of March. Many of them perished in broad daylight outside High Street coffee shops whilst sitting down quietly, giving off bad smells and obscuring the visibility of passers-by and other customers as they came and went, but otherwise minding their own business.

Thousands more, mainly from the east coast, remain missing presumed dead despite rescue workers vainly spending hour after hour following ash trails which only ever led into massive snow drifts in designated outdoor smoking areas, often covered by a canvas gazebo.

Restaurants have also suffered with many reporting the shocking and sudden loss of loyal smoker customers – those who insisted on dining alfresco and ended up making the ultimate sacrifice before they even had a chance to pay the bill.

Admitting that this year-on-year 99.99% surge in exposure-related smoking deaths was ‘a trifle disappointing’, coalition Health supremo, Jeremy Hunt, pointed out that on the positive side, each of the unfortunate fatalities was technically ‘free at the point of delivery’ and had probably saved the NHS quite a lot of money.

Worst hit was the sleepy Suffolk town of Southwold where, during one Arctic Saturday afternoon, 32 outdoor smokers were pronounced dead where they sat outside Cafe de Niro and Starstrucks. ‘I kept warning our regular smokers to stay indoors and stay alive, but would they listen?’ cried a disconsolate Assistant Manager Helen Cockle, who as a vegetarian struggling to control a 5-a-day courgette habit completely understands the issues.

Even more deaths occurred when desperate home-based smokers ‘popped out for a quickie’ and failed to return. Typical of many was the story reported by Dorking pensioner, Vera Cathcart who lost her husband Ronald during the advert break in Coronation Street.

But not many tragedies can compare with the suffering of non-partaker Reg Maltby, who runs a busy mini-market in Letchworth and lost his entire staff during the afternoon tea break last Wednesday. ‘I counted out all eleven at 3.15 and not a single one made it back,’ he said, looking visibly shocked but somehow now much cleaner and fresher than usual.

Meanwhile the last 50,000 pubs in Britain remain open for business, mostly empty, but nicely warm.

Teachers call for longer working day and shorter holidays for MPs

The National Union of Teachers has today proposed that MPs should work longer days and that their holidays should be significantly shortened. The changes would see their current 82-day summer break, or nearly 12 weeks, reduced by half to match the time off most workers are entitled to during an entire year.

‘If the changes had already been applied this may have saved the poor loves the extra work of having to claim £3,000 expenses for returning to work early to praise Margaret Thatcher,’ explained an NUT spokeswoman.

Teachers say that an added bonus of the extended working day would be that MPs have less time to spend brawling in House of Commons bars, and having affairs. ‘In the long run we think this could save both them and the courts thousands of pounds each year.’

Teachers have argued that the current working pattern for MPs dates from when Britain had a largely agricultural economy. ‘How things have changed. Now its MPs and not farmers who are the largest producers of manure.’

NHS proudly unveils new type 3 diabetes

The National Health Service today unveiled the long-expected new type 3 diabetes to a packed press conference in Hammersmith, claiming it is the ‘best ever’ version of the disease. Simply referred to as ‘The New Diabetes’, this updated condition has already taken the US by storm, with obese people literally jumping with joy (albeit not very high) at the new features of this ailment.

Dr Francesco Mosley, head of non-infectious diseases at the NHS was clearly enormously proud of their new product. ‘Most people have an image of diabetes, associating it with weedy kids with arms like Amy Winehouse, or enormous fatties. But we’re here to say that now, the New Diabetes can be for you too!’

Glucose fans will be delighted to know that type 3 diabetes has all the features that have made this diseases such a success: the need to ingest specific amounts of sugar at irregular intervals, the requirement for insulin shots, and that pasty ill-looking skin that goths would die for. But in addition to existing symptoms such as blurred vision, itchiness, peripheral neuropathy, recurrent vaginal infections (particularly in women), and fatigue, the new version adds several brand new symptoms, including brain shrinkage, neck jellification, skin necrosis of the arms and occasional halitosis.

David Mumford, from South London, is a regular diabetes user and is very excited about the new version. ‘I can’t wait! I hear you have to inject insulin into the center of a Creme Egg while it’s actually moving down your throat. That’s so hardcore. Bring it on!’

But Dr Mosley warns that type 3 diabetes may not be for everyone. ‘Apparently, if you live too much of a healthy lifestyle, exercise a bit and eat the occasional vegetable, you may not be able to use this new version. But data on this is sketchy at the moment, as the the official NHS trials were done in Scotland.’

Millions of Romanians, Bulgarians preparing to ‘avoid UK like the plague’

Fears of a huge influx of immigrants from Romania and Bulgaria have given way to indignation after a poll showed workers from the two countries are preparing to ‘avoid Britain like the plague’, when movement restrictions are eased later this year.

A new survey of over 2,000 people in both countries revealed that, rather than preparing to flood into the UK and take all the jobs recently vacated by returning Poles, Romanians and Bulgarians are actually surprisingly well acquainted with how crap everything is and will most probably steer clear.

‘There was a time last summer when it looked quite fun in Britain,’ said  Liana Domescu, a 25-year-old unemployed graduate from Timisoara. ‘You know, with the Jubilee and the Olympics and Kate Middleton and stuff. But since then it’s all been back to the Britain we know and hate – sex abuse, measles outbreaks, HMV going under, your failing post-war-era Health Service, David Cameron, how do you people cope?’

The news came as a surprise to analysts, who had predicted that up to 25,000 Romanian and Bulgarian jobseekers would arrive at Heathrow each day. BAA Ltd, the owners of Heathrow, had already warned that this would be ‘roughly 24,990 more than we can cope with per day’ and even hinted that queues could develop in the arrivals lounge.

UKIP leader Nigel Farage was ‘incensed’ by the news. ‘It’s a shocking insult to the people of Britain,’ said Farage. ‘We’ve been preparing a well-honed tirade of crackpot dogma, frosty glares and grumbling about the strain on public services to welcome these people to this country, only to find they’re only interested in coming if there are jobs! That’s the problem with foreign freeloaders, they just aren’t willing to put the work in. What am I going to do with this ‘Boris Out’ placard now? I can’t possibly use it for any other political purpose.’

For Domescu, the final straw came during the funeral of Margaret Thatcher last week. ‘I was still thinking of coming to Britain, but then they broadcast those pictures of your Chancellor Osborne openly weeping on national television and it finally hit home how bad things must be for that to happen,’ she said. ‘So I’ll just stay here after all – the weather’s far nicer and I hear there’s a job going at the local horse abattoir.’

Jamie’s 1-Minute Meals to include cold beans eaten straight from the tin

Chef Jamie Oliver has single-handedly banished our kitchen fears and re-educated our palates. Now his newest publication will include spooning cold baked beans straight from the tin into our mouths, and eating cheese slices direct from the supermarket carrier bag before you even get home. One of the fifty recipes featured in Jamie’s 1-Minute Meals suggests randomly choosing a shelf in the fridge and then scooping its entire contents onto a large chopping board before taking it to the table.

‘He’s a genius,’ said busy middle-class mother Janine Watson. ‘We emptied our third shelf last Friday and tucked into a sumptuous feast of mustard, uncooked bacon, a bottle of Tizer, half a jar of marmalade, my son’s packed lunch and some antibiotics that had to be kept cool. It now takes me longer to evacuate my bowels than it does for me to put a Jamie on the table.’

Another recipe suggests a new take on mashed potato. ‘Grab a couple of nice big baking spuds,’ says the recipe. ‘Wack ‘em on the table and then lay into them with a mallet until they look like mash. Pukka, bruv.’

Perhaps the most ambitious of the recipes is the 1-minute duck á l’orange, consisting of one live duck and one tin of orange paint. ‘You can jazz it up with a drizzle of olive oil if you want,’ says the recipe.

‘Me and my busy girlfriend have rediscovered the joy of frozen bread,’ said busy estate agent Kevin Fiesta. ‘I came home the other night and she’d prepared a treat. She had fifteen raw Brussels sprouts in her mouth. ‘It’s Jamie’s 1-minute mouthful of sprouts’, she’d written on a pad. She then lifted up her skirt and revealed a 1-minute knickerbocker glory. I’ve now sold our large cooker to a family of four as a bijou ‘two up-two down’ apartment close to the city centre.’

‘Jamie is consistently reducing the time we need to spend in the kitchen, but without sacrificing our love of good food,’ said busy publishers Michael Joseph. ‘We’ve had 30-minute meals, the 20-minute meals app, the recent 15-minute meals book, but this one is certain to grab the busy public’s attention and sell like hot cakes… well, not hot cakes, that’s a ridiculous and outmoded concept. Let’s say they’ll sell like a water, milk, butter and sugar mixture.’

Oliver’s busy publishers are also remaining tight-lipped about rumours that his next book, Jamie’s 0-Minute Meals, will comprise an intravenous drip that delivers a high-calorific beige milk shake direct to the stomach via the headphone socket on the iPhone.

Homeopath to start offering ‘assisted-suicide’ remedy

A homeopath in Banbury has decided to take politics into her own hands and start offering an assisted-suicide treatment. The service will be offered to those with terminal illnesses where traditional homeopathic treatments have not worked. The number of eligible people is thought to be high.

The practitioner, who goes by the name Chi Wind-Chime, explained that the ‘remedy’ used has been through the emotional turmoil of death, which is then remembered, and injected into the patient. ‘We take our special ‘faucet hydrogen dioxide’ formula to a funeral, where it is surrounded by mourning people. This emotional experience of someone passing is remembered by the special solution. We take this back to my ‘living room laboratory’ where it is diluted with more of the original solution to create a remedy that is so weak its strength is lethal.’

‘When the time comes, a family member can inject the patient, then wait for the treatment to work,’ Ms Wind-Chime continued. ‘The ‘passing room’ is painted lilac and we play whale song to create an atmosphere that is relaxed and peaceful, which is just as well because the effects of treatments on the terminally ill can take up to two years.’

Brenda Roberts took her mother to the homeopath to assist her in ending her life, but was not happy with the results. ‘She had got to a point where her quality of life was not what we wanted, so we convinced her that life was not worth living. So for her 50th birthday we all chipped in and paid for her trip to Ms Wind-Chime and she went through the treatment. That was 4 years ago and we are still waiting for her to keel over.’

Scientists have studied the claims made by the homeopathic community that this treatment works. But as Professor Brown, from the Department of Real Life, Oxford University said, ‘more people died on the toilet last year than died from this treatment’. He went on to explain: ‘Although those who practise alternative medicine will stand by their claims, we found through extensive research, testing, and common sense, that death rates amongst the terminally ill are already quite high’.

But Ms Wind-Chime brushed the criticism off her velvet coat and explained: ‘Those in the business of scientific fact don’t understand the remedy or how it works. In fact, as proof of its effectiveness, last week a man came in having a heart attack. The remedy was so good that he died before we could administer it.’

Genetics questioned as nip/tuck mum gives birth to ugly children

Essex parents Rob and Jennie Chapman are taking legal advice after the birth of their second pair of twins, widely rated as two of the ugliest ever born locally.

‘Our eldest two, Calvin and Cline, are both ugly by any definition’ said Rob yesterday. ‘After they were born we dug out the old family photo albums. One look was enough to convince us the ugliness was hereditary, so we were very hesitant about going for another child until we’d sorted out Jennie’s looks.’

The young family went without treats, foreign holidays and Christmas presents for five years in order to save up for wide ranging cosmetic work. ‘We just gritted our teeth and went for the full monty’ explained Jennie. ‘A complete facial with neck, nose job and both ears pinned back. Then, to future-proof our investment, I also got a gastric band and breast enhancements. The boobs were on ‘buy one get one free’ offer so we’d have been foolish not to.’

Having also invested in comprehensive dental work, a new more stylish wardrobe and regular ‘quality’ hairdressing, the Chapmans were optimistic about the prospects for a better looking baby. ‘We’d always wanted a large family,’ explained Rob ‘and were delighted when the obstetrician told us it was twins again.’

‘Jennie was looking quite good, even though I say so myself, so we just couldn’t understand it when we finally got to see the new babies. Courtney came out first and to be honest was pretty much as bad as her older sisters. Still, we’d got used to that so she was just about ‘liveable with’, if you get my meaning. When little Cox appeared though, even the experienced midwife retched.’

Their unhappy experience hasn’t made the Chapmans give up entirely on further children though. ‘I reckon I might have had some of those dodgy PIP breast implants – that might have had something to do with it. Or maybe they took after Rob, and we’ll just have to save up for some serious cosmetic work on him’ said Jennie. ‘And if that doesn’t work I could stop shagging the milkman I suppose.’

 

Men’s interest in the proposed three-way IVF treatment cooled considerably overnight when it was revealed egg fertilisation would not necessarily include a sex romp with the wife’s sister or one of the girl’s from the typing pool.
Although the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority said the process would still involve inserting a small prick into the donor parent, men were dismayed to find it would involve the use of a sterilised needle and have nothing to do with them fulfilling long held fantasies.

Research scientist Neena Harvey said basically all it would take to fertilise an embryo was ‘a tiny, painless jab roughly in the area of the vagina walls, in and out without the female donor even noticing anything had happened and it could be over in seconds’.
But, added Dr Harvey, it was time to move on from such primitive sexual practices involving men and the new strerilisation programme using a needle to deliver the sperm would not only be more sexually gratifying for the two donor hosts but was far more likely to guarantee a successful outcome.
Dr.Harvey also added that using a needle to fertilise an embryo would only require ‘the most basic of techniques’ which again virtually ruled out any possibility of the male partner becoming involved in the procreation process.

BMW relaxes ‘Dickhead Test’ for buyers

BMW has announced that it is seeking to expand its customer base beyond dickheads to include idiots, twats and pillocks as well. As a result, the company’s infamously stringent ‘Dickhead Test’ for prospective purchasers is to be considerably modified.

Unlike its compatriots Audi and Mercedes, who merely encourage their UK buyers to behave like prize bell ends whenever they encounter a less powerful car, BMW has traditionally required all would-be owners to provide documentary evidence that they (a) have an IQ at least 500 times lower than their earnings, (b) regard others as unfit to share the planet with them and (c) have the driving skills of a cocaine addicted meerkat with its paws stapled together. Prospective purchasers who cannot meet these criteria have hitherto been turned away.

According to BMW spokesman Horst Hoffmann in Stuttgart, the 23-year policy of selling cars exclusively to twats has been a textbook example of ‘viral marketing’ by creating the perception that BMW is the only suitable car for braying items of pond life with more money than sense. The company now has a 72% market share among moron drivers in the UK.

‘The staggering success of this policy down the years means that we have almost exhausted the UK dickhead market and we need to branch out,’ said Hoffmann. ‘Therefore, starting in July, BMW will relax the ‘Dickhead Test’ so as also to embrace twats, who are capable of driving properly but choose not to, and pillocks, who are simply too thick to give the issue any thought.’

Jeremy Clarkson apparently made a comment at this point. Fortunately, everyone within a five-mile radius had been forewarned and had already drilled through their own eardrums with a tungsten carbide bit, just in case.

 

Audi Develops the Audi App

Ingolstadt, Germany - This past week, Audi has announced plans to launch an App for iPhone and Android that will allow any car to become a "smart car." The app, simply known as the Audi App will, as long as your phone is charging in the car, will provide any vehicle to be able to detect road hazards or bad drivers that might cause you to have an accident.
Roberto Sanderson, CEO of Audi, is excited about the app in that it will allow anyone to have some of the perks of Audi at the touch of your fingertips. "We realize it's an expensive app at $4000 American dollars, but it's less expensive than an actual Audi. In these tough economic times, we're trying to help out those who would otherwise purchase an Audi be able to have some of the benefits of such a smart car," said Sanderson.
Audi App will work in all road conditions including flash floods, space junk falling down from the sky, drunk drivers, texting drivers, and speed traps. However, they admit that there is a conflict with the Trapster app that is also available for most smart phones. If you have Trapster engaged in addition to the Audi app, then Trapster will malfunction and alert the police ahead to your speeding and issue warrants for past due tickets. Additionally, the glitch will cause your car to swerve into guardrails instead of just speed around the texting driver ahead.
Audi is aware of the glitch and has no real remedy other than to ask consumers to not use Trapster, and only rely on Audi's app instead. In this way, the car will remain smart and not become stupid.

Free spliffs 'calm down A&E patients'

London - A pilot study at London's Royal Freak Hospital found that a joint dispensing machine in Accident & Emergency has greatly cut down the number of violent incidents.
An adapted cigarette machine was installed last week, filled with spliffs confiscated from nursing staff lockers and operated by keying in a secure code available from triage staff.
A designated smoking area near A&E's poisons cupboard then proved very popular with casualty patients who normally have to wait up to four hours to be seen to.
Royal Freak A&E regular Paddy O'Rizzler from nearby Kentish Town gave the scheme a thumbs up today although moaned a bit about 'someone forgetting to remove the seeds' which exploded all over his tracksuit bottoms.
"I come here for the free skunk," O'Rizzler explained, "but what with the austerity thing they can only afford Thai weed here - which is kinda ok in an emergency...but not entirely to my taste."
He was also critical of nursing station staff for changing the access codes limiting the number of spliffs that can be extracted from the dispenser.
Meanwhile other London A&E services are promising to install free wi-fi in their own emergency rooms in a bid to calm down and distract aggressive patients who regularly gum up the works in hospital peak times.
"Wi-fi? Who wants bloody wi-fi in A&E," O'Rizzler concluded, "apart from sending an emergency email to the nearest dealer I can't see the bloody point, can you?"

Santa Claus to step down: markets respond positively

Stock markets have responded positively to news that Toyland's Prime Minister Santo Nicalosi, better known as Santa Claus, or Sugar Daddy Christmas to his closest female admirers, is to step down after arranging a final delivery of toys for December.
Leading analyst Jeremy Warner said that without the implementation of severe austerity measures, including the adoption of a payment-based business model which would face severe competition from the likes of Amazon, Toyland would default on its debts and this could lead to a world economic catastrophe far more severe than the 2008 banking crisis.
'In recent years, Toyland has lived way beyond its means as it struggled to deliver ever more exotic presents free of charge to children in Europe and North America,' said Warner. 'It no longer produces most of the toys that are delivered and has had increasingly to rely on cheap goods and credit from China and Southeast Asia.'
Toyland's manufacturing base is no longer a major employer but service sector employees will be hit hard by austerity measures. 'I'm due to retire at 35 on full salary next year, said a party facilitator elf. Suddenly there will be no jobs and no pensions. I suppose I'll have to emigrate, but I was shocked to learn that my skills set only attracts the minimum wage in other countries, even with a Mickey Mouse degree. I might as well work tables or behind a bar.'
Lenders are expected to take a significant haircut as Toyland reschedules its debts after the IMF, ECB and Germany's Bundesbank refused a euro bailout. However, unlike Never Never Land, Toyland is expected to honour its obligations, although repayments will be redenominated in Monopoly money.
More than one banker has said a haircut is the least Santa Claus can expect if he is caught, saying the revenge shaving won't stop at 'that manky beard' or the Movember 'tache. In addition, after he steps down, Claus will no longer be afforded criminal immunity against charges of creeping into millions of children's bedrooms at night.

McCartney hoping this one isn't mad

SIR Paul McCartney last week toasted his new bride saying, 'I really hope you're not a complete nutcase'.
The Beatles legend married Nancy Shevell in London as McCartney's close friends and family scoured her face for even a hint of insanity.
A friend said: "So far, so good. I thought I saw a glimmer of barking but it was just a shadow caused by a pigeon.
"She's very nice and unlike the last one doesn't actually think he's an imposter who replaced the real Paul McCartney in 1966."
At the reception in his luxury St John's Wood home, Sir Paul told his bride: "You're a totally gear chick. I think you're fab and not at all grotty.
"So here's to the ongoing balance of the chemicals in your brain."
Sir Paul then took to the piano and sang Maxwell's Silver Hammer in what guests described as a 'friendly warning' to his latest wife.
Martin Bishop, showbiz relationship analyst at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: "The unfortunate thing is Nancy has her own money, so if she is mad and they do fall out there won't be a disturbingly revealing court case.
"She may well be able to keep her bonkers under the radar."

River Cottage downshifters 'must mate with locals

URBAN professionals escaping to rural areas must contribute to the local gene pool, it has been claimed.
Under new proposals, city workers who move to the countryside because the telly said it was nice should mate with the dwindling indigenous population to ensure a steady supply of harvest gatherers.
Dr Helen Archer, from the Institute for Studies said: "You can't blame people for relocating to somewhere lovely, but problems arise when they don't work locally, shop locally and, most importantly, don't have sex with local people.
"In many rural areas crops are going to seed simply because farmers cannot find strong, dependable labourers with no more than 11 fingers.
"Even if they were willing to pitch in, urban escapees are mostly pencil-necked management consultants and thus of little use with a scythe. Nevertheless, their DNA could be used to create broad-shouldered yeomen who understand what a deadline is."
Following Institute for Studies guidelines, the government is piloting a local-newcomer interbreeding program in the Oxfordshire village of Tunbury.
Tunbury-based architect Stephen Malley, who recently moved from the Swiss Cottage area of London, said: "I had expected a River Cottage-esque idyll with babbling brooks, freshly-foraged food and a reassuring lack of non-caucasian teenagers.
"Instead I was stripped to my underwear and forced into a filthy cattle trailer with a massive dry-stone waller known as 'Mutton Jeff'.
I desperately explained that I couldn't give him strong sons as I wasn't female. "He says we should keep trying."

Tevez blows hole in Man City's theory of cash

CARLOS Tevez has undermined Manchester City's long term plan to spend whatever it takes to win something.
The striker has blown a hole in the club's previously bullet-proof theory by being paid an enormous amount of money and then refusing to play.
The Argentinian carnivore enraged manager Roberto Mancini last night when he refused to come on as a substitute during a Champions League match against Bayern Munich, insisting that Man City was not actually a very good team and then offering his services to Bayern coach Jupp Heynckes.
Biting the head off a badger, he added: "I'm sorry if there was a misunderstanding but I hate everything about Manchester. And while I am more than happy to sign contracts and take money I never really wanted to play the actual football.
"I know that by setting this precedent it will make it much more difficult for the club to be successful, but like I said, I despise Man City."
The move is expected to be followed by most of the squad who had not realised until now that they did not actually have to play.
Kolo Toure said: "Thank God for that. Pulling on that powder blue jersey is like dressing up as a sad clown. It makes me hate myself."
The move has stunned club chiefs who must now go back to the drawing board and begin searching for players who not only want to get paid £200,000 a week but would enjoy playing football for Manchester City while doing so.
Footballologist Wayne Hayes said: "I suspect they will now have to trawl the depths of former Liverpool players whose self-loathing is completely maxed out."

48 trillion Nectar points to be put into the economy to boost recovery

In an announcement that will delight shoppers and the city alike, a fourteen-figure sum of Nectar points will be released into the economy to boost consumer spending. Eight billion air miles will also be created, enough for a family of four to travel to RAF Northolt and back (terms and conditions apply), while Boots Advantage Card owners will get a free nail care kit.
Junior Industry Minister Sally Jones said the scheme was the result of months of negotiating between retailers, the bank and government. '"Generous" is a loaded term in these difficult times, but we feel that this recovery package will stimulate consumer confidence, tend the green shoots of economic recovery and ensure no-one misses out on double points when you spend over a tenner on personal hygiene products,' she said.
'The Nectar deal alone is thought to be worth the value of one 200 gram box of unbranded cereal for every man, woman and child in the south east of England. And Air Mile collectors with more than 10,000 miles will, as a result, be entitled to a packet of cheesy biscuits on selected flights, provided they travel on the fourth Tuesday of the month in Class Y674 when Saturn is rising in the house of Aquarius.'
There are also moves to make quantitative easing more economic. Treasury spokesman Norman Armstrong said: 'Printing the £64 billion the government will feed into the economy to help kick start growth doesn't come cheap. So, in a pilot scheme, the government has emailed pdfs of three twenty pound notes to the whole adult population of Doncaster, along with a licence authorising their printing.'
Sceptics have criticised the scheme, but Industry Minister Sally Jones countered that: 'With the increase in loyalty points put in place, there's never been a better time to buy a full colour printer and a range of coloured inks. So get down to Argos.' If successful in the UK, there are plans to roll similar schemes out throughout the Eurozone to boost the ailing single currency. 'I only wish we'd thought of it first,' said one anonymous MEP. 'If we'd collected Clubcard points on the Greek bailout, I'd finally have enough for a ticket to Chessington World of Adventures.'

It's not unlike 'Eric and Ernie', insists Liam Fox

Defence Secretary Liam Fox has insisted that his relationship with friend Adam Werritty is completely innocent and similar to that of the comedians Morecambe and Wise. "Eric and Ernie often shared a bed without anyone assuming there was something going on," said Dr Fox, "and it's exactly the same when Adam and I bunk down for the night. Often I'll be reading important defence papers, wot I wrote, and he'll just sit there quietly smoking his pipe."
BBC political correspondent Mark Sampson said that most people would be satisfied that this is all about accessing political influence and good old-fashioned greed, rather than opposition hints that things might have gone a bit 'Torchwood'.
In response to the allegations Dr Fox immediately ordered a thorough investigation of himself maintaining there had been no breach of security or the ministerial code and that Mr Werritty is completely trustworthy, before hastily leaving the country. He explained: "If you trust someone enough to let them be your best man, spike your drink, take polaroids of a stripper shaving your bits and then letting them handcuff you to railings in nothing but your pants then surely you can trust them with the plans of a new missile defence system?"
The double-act of cabinet minister and unexplained bloke have been inseparable for many years with Mr Werritty even accompanying the Foxes on their honeymoon where he would pop up with annoying regularity and ask if anyone fancied hiring a jet-ski. The two men also went on other foreign trips together. Mr Werritty said: "It's just like going on holiday with your bezzie mate, except instead of going somewhere wank like Benidorm, we get to go to Dubai and Sri Lanka. Ok, so during the day it's all 'blah blah tomahawk missiles or blah blah cluster bombs' but at night we just hit the bars and get proper shit-faced."
Amid further allegations that Mr Werritty also spent many hours in Dr Fox's office, with the pair playing Killzone 3 on the PS3, drinking beer and watching Judd Apatow movies, the Times also suggests Mr Werritty has been handing out business cards showing the pair 'goofing around' in a photo booth, and describing himself as the minister's go-to-guy. Werritty has denied the cards were improper and as proof produced a string of other cards including one on which he has titled himself, "The Duke of Awesome".
Meanwhile, senior civil servants have requested copies of all memos and documents relating to meetings between business acquaintances of Mr Werritty and Dr Fox. The Defence Secretary said: "I will of course give them all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order."

Blackberry to explain why world still turning

The manufacturers of the Blackberry will today be asked to explain why Planet Earth still exists.
After the crash of its email and messaging service, experts say the smartphone may not be as vital as all the people who own one had led us to believe.
Technologist Stephen Malley said: "According to my calculations none of us should be here.
"In the event of such a prolonged absence of Blackberry messaging facilities, the Earth should have exploded by now in a hellish furnace of molten rock and body parts.
"There should be charred Blackberries spinning silently through space that will one day be picked up by aliens who will then be able to work out where it all went wrong for Earth."
He added: "I did the calculations on my Blackberry."
But Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "It's an easy mistake to make. Blackberries are owned by people who think they're incredibly important, whereas iPhones are owned by people who think iPhones are incredibly important and Android phones are owned by poor people who don't matter.
"Anyway, we worked out that the world was able to continue to exist for two key reasons. Are you ready?
"One - if you're in the office you can get emails and stuff on your computer, and two - if you're out of the office and something happens that actually matters then people can phone you. On your Blackberry."
He added: "We then did another experiment which shows that if people keep using Blackberries then the word will eventually disappear up its own rectum."

Knox to be trained in how not to look shifty

AMANDA Knox will today begin an intensive training course in how not to look shifty, ever.
As the American student won her appeal and flew home to Seattle, the media organisations she has not done a deal with pledged to catch her with either a knowing smile or a sinister sideways glance.
Up to 3,000 photographers will use telephoto lenses to record Knox's every expression in the hope of capturing the crucial moment where she admits her guilt using at least one part of her face.
And the UK's Daily Mail has appointed its emotionally fragile columnist Liz Jones to analyse the best new Amanda Knox photos on a daily basis and give them marks out of 10 for shiftiness.
Media analyst Julian Cook said: "Hopefully we are just a few years away from shifty photographs replacing all this half-arsed dicking about with DNA."
But the Knox family said they will use the money from the book, film, TV interviews, iPhone app and saucy action figure to train the 24 year-old in how to look perpetually innocent.
A family spokesman said: "It's going to be difficult. At times even Mother Theresa could look as if she'd just stolen a pie. We'll get there, though there may be days when she has to walk around wearing a motorbike helmet."
But Knox could still be dragged back to Italy after prosecutors pledged to launch an appeal against the acquittal based on one of the photographs where she looks like an evil, sexy witch.
A source said: "It's a lot stronger than our first case, so we are reasonably confident."
Meanwhile, the media organisations Knox has done a deal with have confirmed they are very close to convincing her to straddle a chair.

Jackson's doctor accused of making him weird

MICHAEL Jackson's doctor has gone on trial accused of making him weirder than a bald cat.
The jury in Los Angeles was told that Conrad Murray's daily injections turned the King of Pop from an everyday chimpanzee owner into a man who was convinced his chimpanzees were having an affair with Uri Geller.
Prosecutor David Walgren said: "The truth is Mr Jackson was a perfectly normal American who didn't know what colour he was and liked to invite children to his fairytale amusement park and then get them pleasantly drunk.
"It's the same workaday story being played out in millions of homes across America.
"But all that changed when Mr Jackson hired Dr Murray to perform the routine task of injecting him with a daily cocktail of drugs to stop his nose from falling off."
The trial is expected to hear from a series of witnesses who will all claim that Dr Murray made them very unusual.
Todd Logan, an LA-based chihuahua astrologer, has claimed he used to provide mainstream, personalised horoscopes to a wide range of tiny dogs until Dr Murray started prescribing him with large doses of over-the-counter weirdness.
And Becky Harper, an unemployed singer, will tell the court that after just two consultations with Dr Murray she started wearing a third pair of celebrity underpants on her face.
But Murray has denied the charge insisting Jackson was incredibly strange by the time he arrived.
Defence attorney, Ed Chernoff, said: "During their first meeting Mr Jackson asked if he could buy Dr Murray's thumbs and then showed him more than 600 photographs of his buttocks.
"My client's first thought was, 'we're going to need a bigger syringe'."

Greggs fury at Michelin snub

PASTY incubator Greggs has called for an inquiry after being overlooked for one of cuisine's biggest honours, it has emerged.
With the recent introduction of the Jaffa Cake doughnut and snout batter lollipop, the UK's leading cholesterol enablers had hoped to gain their first Michelin star.
Gregg's head of hoof procurement Roy Hobbs said: "The public's insatiable demand for brown crispy things that turn the paper bag translucent means we're always going to be solvent, but without the respect of our peers it's all so hollow.'
"There's so much hard work and dedication that goes into our cheese-influenced slice, also quite a lot of gleaming off-white matter, but these snobs seem to be obsessed with food that looks edible."
The Michelin Guide's famously anonymous judges visit restaurants around the country, assessing each venue on atmosphere, service and whether the food induces a paralysing stroke.
Judge Denys Finch-Hatton discussed his visit to Greggs, as well as his GP's prognosis after eating their lunch meal deal.
He said "After being pleasantly surprised by the rustic yet excellent cuisine of some of Britain's gastropubs, I joined my chauffeur for lunch at Greggs and asked what kind of Fanta would go well with their range of browny-gold rectangles.
"I left with something rubbery lodged in a back tooth. I've had it biopsied and am assured that it is from some form of bovine."
Greggs patron Nikki Hollis said: "Greggs is awesome, the haters just don't know the proper way to enjoy it.
"Steak slice is the starter, custard slice your main and sausage roll for pudding."

Blair to teach Murdoch's daughter how to lie

TONY Blair has pledged to school his god-daughter in the ancient ways of dishonesty.
Blair was chosen by media billionaire Rupert Murdoch to be godfather to daughter Grace after the elderly Australian feared he would not be around to teach her how to lie himself.
A family friend said: "Like any father, Rupert wants his daughter to be taught how to mislead people by someone who has a passion for it. He wanted someone who would watch over her, making sure she was being perceived correctly by the media, while encouraging her to be so dishonest that one day she might even believe her own lies."
The friend added: "Tony is very devout when it comes to telling lies. He prays about it for hours. I sometimes think he is trying to see if he can lie to God. Or maybe he is trying to teach God how to be as dishonest as he is. It all points to a man who is still incredibly ambitious and I think that's what makes him such a wonderful role model for the children of billionaires."
Blair's role as godfather emerged in a fascinating Vogue interview with Wendi Murdoch which also revealed that rich people are even worse than you could possibly have imagined.
The article tells how Wendi is actually on her second stolen husband, thinks poverty stricken Chinese towns are 'funny' and obviously reckons that if she gets her children baptised in the river Jordan they will be better Christians than everybody else, in exactly the way Jesus had intended.
The interview also revealed that Wendi's close friend Nicole Kidman thinks it is so important to have a 'moral compass', especially when accepting £20 million a year to play dress-up before putting your hair in a no-nonsense pony tail and visiting people who don't have any food.

Busy parents ask schools to beat their children

ALMOST half the parents in Britain are so busy they need schools to beat their children for them.
A survey found that 49% want the return of caning just so they can be sure their child will be in pain for at least 10 minutes a day.
Jane Thompson, from Stevenage, said: "I work in a very busy office and often don't get home until seven or eight, especially if I've been for a drink. By that time my kids are in their bedrooms and I don't get the chance to hit them with a stick. I feel that we are all missing out, as a family. It would be really helpful to me if their teachers could find some incredibly thin excuse to beat them as hard as they can."
Martin Bishop, from Peterborough, added: "Unfortunately there was a scheduling snafu and I wound up with two children that clash with meetings and tennis, so I simply don't have time to teach them how to be functioning members of society. I would gladly pay a tax deductible monthly fee just for the peace of mind that they are being hurt in public by a professional."
The move has also been backed by parents who are too busy watching television all day.
Emma Bradford, from Doncaster, said: "I've got a stick, but they have to be within a three foot radius or I'm wasting my valuable time. The schools should be doing this anyway. It's a disgrace."
Meanwhile, with 20% of pupils also supporting the return of corporal punishment, Britain's S&M industry said it could finally make long-term investment plans.

Churchill the dog treated for depression over constant accusations of lying

A source close to the nodding bulldog from Churchill insurance's adverts has revealed that the iconic star has checked into a clinic to deal with severe depression. The condition is believed to have been brought on by the fact that nobody seems to believe a word he says, or take his tales of celebrity encounters and extreme sporting activities seriously.
'Churchy's family seem to have turned against him, he doesn't know why but they just laugh at him every time he tells them what he's been up to, and accuse him of making it up.' said the source, 'Things have got so bad that he's taken to carrying a video camera with him everywhere he goes, and filming even the most mundane activities, like a curry with a friend, but they're not interested. They just ignore him when he tries to show them evidence that he's telling the truth, and it's been getting him down for a while. I'm starting to really worry about him.'
This is not the first time that Churchill has suffered from psychological problems. When he first came to prominence in the mid-90s he initially struggled to deal with the spotlight of fame and the media intrusion, and developed a form of agoraphobia, only feeling comfortable in the house or sat on the parcel shelf of a car, where he would sit for hours, happily nodding to himself, and occasionally muttering 'ooohhhhhh yes'.
With the help of extensive counselling he overcame those problems and began to live life to the full, making celebrity friends, such as Roy Walker& Rolf Harris, entering tug-of-war contests and taking part in extreme sporting activities including sky-diving. But when he told his family about his exploits they refused to believe him, thinking that he was making it all up in order to get attention.
'I know some of what he's done sounds implausible,' continued his friend, 'who wouldn't be sceptical if you told them that you'd landed in a porcupine farm during a sky-dive? Why would anybody farm porcupines anyway, can you milk them or something? But the thing that has really got to him is that he has video evidence of it all, and they still don't believe him.'
When questioned about the story and confronted with the suggestion that her actions may be the cause of Churchill's problems, his owner and co-star Amanda Wilcox replied 'I wouldn't believe everything he says – just the other day he claimed that he was in a downward spiral of depression with no positives in his life, no end in sight, and was considering taking a massive overdose of painkillers.'

Can I stay with you? Gaddafi asks Blair

COLONEL Gaddafi has asked Tony Blair if he can stay in his guest room for a while.
The Libyan dictator expects to be homeless or dead by lunchtime but would accept the offer of safe passage if the former UK prime minister can put him up until he gets something else sorted out.
As fierce fighting surrounds Gaddafi's compound the leader was desperately trying to track down Blair on his mobile phone to check if the guest room had ensuite facilities and how they should arrange the whole laundry, food thing.
Amid the deafening sound of gunfire and mortar explosions, Gaddafi told Blair's voicemail: "I'm thinking either we take it in turns to do a wash or I do the laundry and you do the cooking."
Shouting until he was hoarse, Gaddafi added: "I'm not into this whole separate shelves in the fridge thing. I'll just eat with you guys and bung in twenty quid or something, yeah? "Happy to stay in the London house obviously, but would be great if I could use the big place in the country as well. I HAVEN'T PLAYED TENNIS FOR AGES."
But Blair's spokesman said: "It's always really awkward when someone gets the wrong end of the stick, isn't it? Tony always said Colonel Gaddafi could use the guest room as long as he wasn't under indictment for crimes against humanity.
"Plus, he's going to be away for a few days so... you know."
The spokesman added: "He's not being a dick about this, but Colonel Gaddafi clearly thinks they are better friends than they actually are. Tony is genuinely sorry if he gave him the wrong impression.
"It would actually be a lot better for everyone if he could just stop phoning us and get shot in the face."

Gok Wan revealed as crafty heterosexual

CHANNEL 4's How To Look Good Naked is a ruse for the secretly straight Gok Wan to involve himself with female body parts, it has emerged.

The host's on-screen persona as a benign, intergalactic panto dame was blown apart when a production runner found copies of Nuts magazine, a Jeremy Clarkson book and six cans of strong, overtly masculine lager in Wan's on-set trailer.

It has now been revealed that Wan's real name is Roy Hobbs and that he previously worked not, as he had claimed, in fashion but was a Derby-based plasterer and haulage contractor known for his prowess in pub fights.

A Channel 4 source said: "Alarm bells should've rung when Gok recently pitched How To Look Good While Mud Wrestling Naked And Drenched In Baby Oil, Gok's Super Gay Fun Times In The Women's Showers At A Leisure Centre and Gok's Totally Harmless And Very Camp Intimate Breast Massage.

"Clearly this deception is shameful but the show rates well and Gok consistently delivers boobs so I expect we'll just press on."

Housewife Nikki Hollis, who appeared on How To Look Good Naked, said: "When Gok cupped my breasts and referred to them as 'fabulous womanly bangers' it was a real boost to my flagging self-esteem.

"Now I know that he's basically Sid James in Dior glasses I feel less positive about the experience.

"My husband will be furious. He's a closet gay who really fancies Gok."

 

Supermarket forced to withdraw advert featuring happy customers

A TELEVISION advert for Tesco featuring cheerful humans roaming its aisles is misleading, a watchdog has ruled.
The 30-second commercial shows relaxed, attractive humans strolling around the supermarket, selecting products in a carefree and composed manner with no underlying murderous intent.
A spokesman for the Advertising Standards Authority said: "To portray any supermarket visit as anything other than unbridled misery is a foul distortion.
"The reality is angry, dishevelled humans dragging their post-work carcasses around coldly-lit aisles, torn between their hatred of the massive soulless food containment unit and each other as they clutch their trolleys with white-knuckled hands.
"The typical demographic mix is single men in work clothes buying cereal for their dinner, parents of marauding children buying them Pixar DVDs in the vain hope they'll chill out for five minutes, and weirdos.
"A visit inevitably ends with joining the slowest-moving queue and obsessively edging the plastic toblerone-esque divider thing ever-closer to the preceding shopper's stuff in the vain hope it'll somehow accelerate the process and get you out the door a nanosecond more quickly."
A Tesco spokewoman said: "Our customers are treated well and occasionally smile. Our stores are not like Lidl where everything's on palettes like an aid shipment.
"Or Waitrose, where the self-satisfaction permeates the air with a greenish organic haze.
"Basically they are no more inhumane than most aspects of modern life."

Childhood eating disorders may be caused by shit food, say experts

CHILDHOOD eating disorders may be caused by giving them plate after plate of food that is just shit, experts have claimed.
Researchers found that children as young as seven are looking down at their breadcrumbed abattoir scrapings and deciding to watch television while chewing a sock.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute For Studies, said: "Many people seem to think that eight year-olds are flicking through Vogue and comparing themselves unfavourably to a six-foot Amazon modelling shoes on a yacht.
"I think it's more likely that they're being served dinners that don't change even slightly from kitchen to toilet. Say what you like about kids eating their own bogies but at least they're not full of hydrogenated salt and trans-mashed poultry beak."
Eating disorders have also risen sharply amongst wealthier families in direct correlation to the decline in parents telling their offspring that they can either eat their dinner or wear it like a hat.
Tests showed that middle-class children who were not indulged as fussy eaters soon regained their appetite when told their tasty meal of fresh meat and vegetables would be spending the evening either in their stomach or rammed playfully into their Xbox.
But the majority of cases still came from amongst the country's poorest children, where the average meal's main source of vegetable was the ketchup in the 'serving suggestion' photograph.
Brubaker added: "Anyone doubting our findings should pop into their local Iceland. It's like a David Cronenberg film about a psychotic vet."

McDonalds staff patiently explain calorie count is not price tag

STAFF at McDonalds are to spend the next three years patiently explaining that the number next to the photo of the food is the calorie count, not the price.
The burger giant has introduced the calorie information for God knows what reason, but insists it is absolutely vital that customers understand what these numbers mean.
A spokesman said: "Our dizzying array of top quality pulped animals already causes long hold-ups at the tills. We need to find a quick and efficient way of explaining that a Chicken Legend does not cost £535.
"Because when we've done that we will then have to explain what a calorie is to someone who doesn't know what a cow is. And that takes blooming ages."
He added: "We have set out a three year timetable because you know as well as I do that most of these simians will need to be told at least 500 times."
Emma Bradford, who emerged from the Doncaster branch of McDonalds smeared with cheese and mayonnaise, said: "They said it were number of cows in it or summat.
"I thought cows were the size of dogs, but turns out they must be the size of peas."
Bradford's companion, Roy Hobbs, who has had it explained to him 15 times, thus far, added: "Am not payin' four hundred and ninety pound for a burger."

US debt crisis averted thanks to loan from Wonga.com

The US breathed a collective sigh of relief today following President Obama's announcement that the nation's application for a loan from online lender Wonga.com had been approved.

'The site was really user-friendly and made getting out of debt by getting into even more debt a doddle,' said Obama. 'The green undulating fields and cartoon butterflies at the top of their homepage made me feel immediately at ease, plus they had this cool slider thing that went all the way up to $2,400,000,000,000 – which was handy. They didn't even seem bothered about our credit history.'

The deal comes after a night of fraught discussions between Democrats and Republicans around the White House kitchen table. 'Hillary Clinton was writing down 'what we've got coming in' and 'what we've got going out' on the back of a manila envelope, but we quickly ran out space for all the noughts,' continued Obama. 'Then we went online and found Wonga.com. Their guaranteed instant decision and 15-minute payout was just what we were after. I'd certainly recommend their service to any other struggling superpower.'

Wonga are delighted by the deal. 'We usually specialise in small-time borrowers who need that little bit extra to help make ends meet until payday. But anyone can experience cashflow problems, and it's just good to be able to do our bit for the world's largest economy.'

However, many in Congress and the House of Representatives are said to be furious after checking the smallprint and finding that Wonga is charging a typical APR of 4,214% on the $2.4 trillion loan. 'The main thing is that we now have the money to stop us defaulting on our debts,' said Obama. 'Our credibility would have been in tatters if we couldn't keep up our repayments to cash4u.com.'

 

MPs facing 'impossible choice' between two huge fibbers

MPs say they have no plans to call Piers Morgan for questioning over the alleged hacking of Heather Mills' phone while they struggle to decide which of the bare-faced whopper-mongers they should believe.

'From anyone else these accusations would prompt very serious questions, but unfortunately from Ms Mills they just make you roll your eyes, stick your fingers in your ears and go la, la, la,' said Tory MP John Whittingdale, head of the media select committee. 'We're dealing here with a woman who, even if she told you herself that she only had the one leg, you'd still do a quick count to be on the safe side. She thinks veracity's a fashion designer. How can we choose between them? It's impossible – why couldn't I be asked to decide on something simpler like whether to turn off someone's life support machine?'

Fellow committee member Tom Watson MP agreed. 'Christ, and then you're left with the option of believing Piers Morgan – a guy who is rumoured to have given a false name during his wedding vows. If his pants were anymore aflame, you'd think Hell was having an open day.'

After discussing the matter for over nine gruelling hours on the day following Ms Mills' allegations, the Committee was no closer to knowing who to believe. 'You would imagine that coming from a world knee-deep in Nixons, Clintons, Aitkens and Archers this would be shit off a bull's back,' said MP Louise Mensch. 'But this is probably the first time I've encountered two people capable of four-faced lying.'

Labour MP Jim Sheridan added it 'would be immensely helpful to the work of the committee if both Morgan and Mills would agree to appear before MPs, and then on their way in, drive off a cliff.'

While the Committee's deliberations continue, Ms Mills has made futher allegations claiming that while in Piers Morgan's company he admitted he was a warlock and that she witnessed him drink the blood of kittens. In turn, Mr Morgan has sought to draw a line under the matter by arguing that while the alleged illegal hacking was taking place he was playing cards with close friends royal butler Paul Burrell and former Prime Minister Tony Blair. 'If anyone doubted my word, there's no way they'd doubt Paul's and Tony's,' he said.

 

jim died

His will provided €40,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sharon turned to her oldest and dearest friend.
'Well, I'm sure Jim would be pleased,' she said.

'I'm sure you're right,' replied Brenda, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. 'How much did this really cost?'

'All of it,' said Sharon. 'Forty thousand.'

'No!' Brenda exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very nice, but €40,000?'

Sharon answered, 'The funeral was €6,500. I donated €500 to the church. The whisky, wine and snacks were another €500. The rest went for the Memorial stone.'

Brenda computed quickly. '€32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?'

 

Asda introduces 'slapping-friendly areas' for shoppers with small children

Supermarket chain Asda is to create 'slapping areas' where frustrated parents can hit their children without causing offence to other shoppers.
'Parents of course have a right to slap their children, but not everyone wants to see children being hit while they shop, so by creating slapping and non-slapping areas of the store we are meeting both needs,' said a spokeswoman for Asda today. 'Many of our patrons have complained that it can be difficult to land a proper blow when their child is writhing around on the floor of an aisle, so the provision of a purpose-designed smacking area will allow them to mete out a proper thrashing to their disruptive child away from disapproving eyes.'

The supermarket giant says the slapping areas will be in quieter 'neutral' areas of the store, rather than the traditional cereal or confectionery aisles where family conflict often flares up. A special sign featuring a raised hand and a tearful child's face will guide parents to those areas of the store that are designated as slapping-friendly.
One parent who preferred not to be named praised the scheme. 'My mum used to belt me really hard in the Co-Op bacon queue and it never did me no harm. How I choose to bring up my kids is my business. Troy, I told you. Stop making that bleeding noise or you know what you'll get.'

With the idea proving a success, Tesco is now considering a similar scheme to deal with unruly small children, 'Every Little Yelps'.
But not everyone supports the approach. 'Of course you'd never catch me shopping in Asda,' said one lady shopping at Waitrose today. 'I can't bear hearing screaming and yelling while I do my shopping. That's why I pay to send my children to boarding school so they can be abused by trained professionals away from the public gaze.'

 

Four year-old girl to run Royal Bank of Scotland

FOUR year-old Gemma Logan has been unveiled as the new chief executive of the Royal Bank of Scotland.

Logan was hired to run the taxpayer-owned bank after the previous management spent £750m on a series of things that were utterly worthless.

The four year-old, who has no high-level banking experience but can go to the toilet by herself, is expected to reassess the bank's investment strategy and point to all the things it should obviously not have spent other people's money on.

Logan said: "Occasionally my mummy has the radio on when I am having lunch in the kitchen and even though I am not really paying attention and am far more interested in the way in which my peas and carrots have been arranged into a rather manic, smiling face, I was able to work out for myself that investing in Greek government bonds would be, at best, inadvisable.
"I was three at the time."

She added: "I am sure that many will say that I could not possibly have garnered the experience necessary to run a major international financial institution given that much of my time has been spent chasing the cat with a spoon.

"But I'm not sure the Royal Bank of Scotland can actually withstand another 24 hours of being run by someone with a banking qualification.

"It is time for them to stand aside and make way for a spoon-wielding cat chaser who will at least read the papers and watch Newsround before deciding whether or not to buy hundreds of millions of pounds worth of debt from a country that does not have any money.
"Even the cat has worked that one out."

 

No riots in Scotland shock

Scotland: First Minister Alex Salmond today hit back at news agencies for describing the riots as English riots, the Scottish Premier was shocked to find out that no riots were going on in his beloved country, and has accused the media of an English bias.

"We've got an amazing country," explained the Braveheart loving politician, "there is no reason for the people of Scotland to not want to riot as we have as much social deprivation, if not more, than the hated English. Our glorious nation has a long history of violence of which we are very proud, in fact, we originated the famous fighting saying 'Are you lookin at me pal?'"

Mr Salmond has been accused by his political opponents of trying to make political capital out of the situation.

One commentator noted "The First Minister is desperate to prove he has something useful to say and is willing to jump on any bandwagon to get his name in the papers. However the truth of the matter is riots are near impossible in Scotland as everything is just to wet to burn."

Scottish Health Minister, Nicola Sturgeon joined in the debate saying "It's just typical of the English based press to claim everything as theirs only yesterday Scotland was put top of a poll for drug use in Europe, at last we're top of something, but did we get any mention south of the border? No, it's all England, England, England."

Mr Salmond's opponents in the Scottish parliament have described him as "an embarrassment".

 

Robin Hood resigns due to 'disillusionment' with job

Robin Hood, famous for his job as a 'fiscal re-distributor', has announced his resignation from the role having last week expressed his concerns about his job publicly for the first time.

'I took this job for noble reasons,' he said. 'The idea of robbing from the rich and giving to the poor appealed to my socialist ideals. I didn't really care for the salary, or the living conditions. For me it was all about a communist ideal, good friends, and outdoor living.'

However, after time doubts started to emerge, 'I started to realise that maybe I was being naive,' said Mr Hood, 'the rich weren't always the wealthy capitalist oppressors that I thought they would be. And the poor were hardly the paragons of virtue. They started giving me shopping lists, like plasma televisions, Kappa tracksuits and Nike trainers. I would be particularly annoyed when they would waste a large portion of the money I gave them on drunken, violent nights out in the city centre.'

Mr Hood's views of the wealthy also changed during his employment, 'I grew to learn that most of them were doing highly stressed, highly responsible jobs, and that much of their income was being spent on their day-to-day living. They had mortgages, families and other financial commitments. On top of that, they were mostly well-educated and interesting to talk to. I began to feel guilty for my crimes against them.'
Mr Hood's employers said that the news had been a shock to them, but said that they had been considering making him redundant anyway. 'After all' they said, 'the poor seem more than capable of robbing from the rich themselves these days.'

 

 

Firms urged to hire stupid little shits

BRITISH businesses have been urged to hire surly, under educated malcontents because at least they are not foreign.
Ian Duncan Smith, experimental doctor at the department for work and pensions, said companies would benefit from taking on self-absorbed little turds who do not know how to use an apostrophe. He added: "If they do not then the jobs will go to people who travelled here from another area on the surface of the Earth. "Then the young people here will not have jobs unless they then travel to yet another area on the surface of the Earth. There will then be people travelling all over the Earth's surface and doing jobs when they get there. It is a recipe for chaos."
He now wants British companies to throw their business plans into the bin and hope that by employing indigenous youngsters they will be able to get the computers and furniture out of the building before it burns to the ground.
A spokesman for the Confederation of British Industry said: "We don't want to employ foreigners. We only do it because we want things to actually work and not be completely terrible all the time.
"Otherwise, yeah, totally."
Kyle Stephenson, 19, from Peterborough, said: "I went for a job last week and they gave it to some Bulgarian just because he didn't sit there wanking the whole time."
Dr Duncan Smith stressed there should still be some immigrants allowed into Britain so he can then kidnap them and start injecting them with unusual drug combinations to see what happens.

Zawahiri to lead the three guys in his living room

AYMAN al-Zawahiri was last night named as the leader of the three guys sitting in his living room that everyone has agreed to call 'Al Qaeda'. The man who served for years as number two to Osama Bin Laden in a five man organisation will now have absolute authority over the trio of mildly bored jihadists who hang around a shitty, half-built safe-house that is definitely not owned by the Pakistani secret service.
According to MI6 sources there is the guy that runs the website, the guy that does the shopping and the guy who gives amazing back rubs and sorts out the Cup-a-Soups.
Intelligence experts said Zawahiri would now rule the world of terror through a tightly controlled network of complete lunatics who do whatever they want but use the term 'Al Qaeda' because it scares people and is not exactly trademarked. Former CIA consultant, Wayne Hayes, said: "At last count there were about 614 Al Qaedas - Watford's got seven - but crucially Zawahiri is now head of the Al Qaeda inside your brain."
Mohammed Logan, a jihadist from Uzbekistan, congratulated Zawahiri, but added:"You do know that Al Qaeda is not really a thing in the way that actual things are things, yeah? "It's not even a franchise, it's more of a nebulous concept that everyone is free to interpret differently and describe however they want.
"So yeah, he's the leader of that. Well done."
America has described Zawahiri as the 'mastermind behind 9-11' after forgetting they had already said that was Khalid Sheikh Mohammed which was why they have spent the last eight years sending a high voltage current screeching through his testicles.
The White House last night acknowledged Zawahiri's career development before predicting he will soon be shot in the ear by Harrison Ford and then buried in outer space.

Doctors to check for anyone who looks a bit bomb-y

HOME Secretary Theresa May has asked GPs to check if any of their patients look like they might blow up soon.
As May delved deeper into the bottomless pit of her insanity, doctors were told to carry out tests for blood pressure, heart rate and a seething hatred of liberal Western values.
Telltale signs GPs have been asked to look out for include whether the patient has grown a great big beard, complains of back strain from carrying unusually-heavy rucksacks or has covered their body with lots of brown skin.
Martin Bishop, a GP from Stevenage, said: "Any honest colleague will tell you that making it through the week without dropping a fatality-related bollock counts as a good one so I'm not sure how we're going to be able to diagnose latent martyrdom unless it shows up on a person's tongue.
"After asking them how many cigarettes they smoke and how many units of alcohol they drink a week, maybe I'll just pop a question in at the end about how many times a week they fantasise about being smeared across the top deck of a bus.
"Besides which, I work in a small village practise in Buckinghamshire where the average patient is a retired stockbroker, so unless the BBC cancels The Archers I'm not expecting that many jihads."
Bishop added: "That said, after successfully negotiating their way past my receptionist and spending a couple of hours in my waiting room reading a 1994 copy of Take A Break pretty much all my patients look like they want to end it all and take half the post office next door with them."
The plan is part of the government's £60m a year Prevent program, a counter-terrorist campaign that is considering a wide variety of ways to reduce extremism in the UK.

Spiralling UK population 'could overwhelm Ikea'

BRITAIN'S already-overstretched Ikea stores cannot cope with a growing population, it was claimed last night.
According to new figures from the Office for National Statistics, factors including immigration and the baby boom will increase the UK's citizenship to 70 million by 2026. But many could be left unable to furnish their homes with stylish yet economical simplicity as Ikea stores are overwhelmed to the point of anarchy.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Imagine Ikea's deliberately labyrinthine corridors blocked with sweaty, heavy masses of humanity clambering mercilessly over each other, crushing the weak and the elderly underfoot in their relentless quest for the nice things.
"OK you don't have to imagine it, you could just visit this Saturday, but trust me it's going to get worse.
"There will soon ten million extra humans and they'll each want, at the very least, a Billy bookcase and a Kulla pendant lamp.
"Even those few who don't want anything specific from Ikea will still go there every other Saturday, just to look.
"When product stocks inevitably run out, shoppers will refuse to leave, afraid that things will be re-stocked and sold out again in their absence.
"Thus we will see the beginnings of a permanent mass migration into Ikea, with families sleeping on the demonstration futons, subsisting on meatballs and 99p breakfasts.
"Inevitably tribal groups will form, the natives of each department forging their own specific cultural identities. There will be bloody battles over the stores' best products, with the kitchen-section dwellers likely to dominate because they'll have all the sharp objects.
"As conditions within the stores deteriorate faeces and blood will cake the walls. Residents or 'Ikeans' will barricade the doors with colour co-ordinated Ektorp sofas while those desperate civilians left outside will pound at the walls until their fists are bloody."
Plumber Tom Logan said: "We're letting more and more people into the country when there aren't enough Billy bookcases for those who were born here.
"But if they are going to come here and buy our cheap but modish furniture, they should at least have the decency to shop online."

Thing is, you might get hit by a bus tomorrow, say doctors

YOU never know what's going to happen so you might as well eat a load of crisps, doctors said last night. As new research throws doubt on the link between heart attacks and flavour, an increasing number of medical professionals have realised that the world is also full of buses and falling masonry.
Stephen Malley, a GP from Hitchin, said: "I had this one patient, didn't eat red meat, exercised every day, drank litres of filtered water, got hit by lightning while doing squat thrusts. Flash, boom, human jerky. Makes you think, right?"He probably had a miserable existence, devoid of delicious crisps, and for no benefit whatsoever. I mean, has anyone ever had a brilliantly uproarious night in the gym?" He added: "Plus, in case you hadn't noticed, doctors smoke and drink loads. That's why we mostly look awful, with quadruple 'melty face' type eye bags. But I'll tell you what, we're having the time of our lives. "So have cream and fags and whatever nice things you like. In my professional opinion you should fill your boots because one day those boots may contain a deadly scorpion."
Consultant Emma Bradford said: "Some lovely foods may be a bit bad for you, but only in a really ambiguous way. "If you listed everything in order of lethalness, salt and butter would be some way below shrapnel bombs and totally mental snakes. "Incidentally, I know this woman who only eats orange cheese and she's fine."

Lock your PC in a cage, say experts

YOUR computers intends to strangle you while you sleep, experts have warned.
The Botnet, which targets basic internet human interactions such as shopping, masturbating and watching kittens do stuff, infects the hard drive on your PC and turns it an unstoppable death machine.
Thirteen people have already been found dead in their homes as a result of the virus with their printers churning out page after page of the message 'I will kill again' in a cold, ruthless font thought to be Garamond.
IT specialist, Stephen Malley, said: "Soon the virus will have become so dangerous that people will have to carry their laptop to work in the kind of gurney they wheeled Hannibal Lecter around in or it'll have their hand off.
"This latest one is virtually indestructible. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or...hang on, that's the Terminator, isn't it? Well this one's a bit like that."
Over four million PCs have been infected with the virus, essentially making Microsoft the world's seventh largest army with psychotic, ungovernable troops deployed in every street on the planet.
Antivirus software engineers have said they're not sure when they will develop an antidote but they are absolutely positive it will cost you more money.
Malley warned: "If your computer starts being surly or aggressive do not hesitate to smash it to pieces with the nearest heavy object you can find."

Airlines crack down on fraudulent vegetarians

AIR passengers will have their in-flight meal choices stored on a database in a bid to catch fake vegetarians.

Airlines claim they are currently losing millions of pounds a year to bespoke meal fraud by deceitful carnivores.

A US Airlines spokesman said: "Meat eating passengers are ticking the vegetarian meal box when booking their ticket just because it makes them feel a bit special for a while.

"Others simply claim to be vegetarians during a flight so they will get their meal sooner or because, for some reason, they don't like the look of the chicken."

One airborne vegetarian admitted: "On the ground I would eat rare veal but I just don't trust meat once you get it past 30,000 feet.

"And why is all airline meat the same shape? Is a chicken the same shape as a pig? No, it is not.

Under the proposals any 'new' vegetarians boarding planes will be asked to take a 'vegetarian citizenship test' where they must identify various roots and pulses from picture cards as well as demonstrate how to make a black bean and zucchini quesadilla.

The spokesman added: "Coming on our planes, eating all our couscous. And as for pretend vegans, we should be allowed to throw them into the ocean."

Bob Crow successfully infiltrates bourgeoisie

CUNNING socialist and hypocrite Bob Crow has successfully completed a daring reconnaissance mission at an exclusive capitalist restaurant.

The anti-establishment operative cleverly duped staff and diners at Scott's in Mayfair into believing he was simply enjoying a decadent champagne-drenched lunch with friends.

But, it has emerged, he was undertaking a revolutionary mission code named Operation Biteback, for which he had been briefed to observe the eating, drinking and conversational habits of the ruling elite as a first step towards the longer-term goal of overthrowing them.

A spokesman for Crow said: "Showing characteristic disregard for his own personal safety, brother Bob entered the viper's nest at 12.45pm yesterday, knowing full well that if he slipped on a point of etiquette he would be caught and tortured.

"Despite being entirely unaccustomed to the ways of a so-called 'restaurant' or indeed the bourgeois concept of food as something other than a utilitarian means of sustaining physical strength, Bob negotiated the menu, successfully ordering bottles of a revolting drink called 'Morgassi Superiore 2009 Piedmont' which apparently tastes of workers' tears.

"Naturally there were various tricks and traps in place to lure the working class spy, for example a dish called 'sorbett' which is in fact pronounced 'sor-bay'.

"Apparently this foodstuff had a delicate yet repugnant wild strawberry flavour, redolent of the type of perfect English summer's day which in this unjust society only stripey-blazered fops have the freedom to enjoy."

He added: "After several hours of expert pretence brother Bob left the restaurant and quickly vomited the corrupt culinary delights into a plain builders-type bucket.

"His stomach was dreadfully upset for days before he returned to his normal diet of recycled rain water and thin soup flavoured with coal."

 

Greek butlers all round

EVERYONE in Britain is to receive part of a Greek person in exchange for large amounts of cash.
As the European Union confirmed it will take all your money and throw it into a giant flaming pit on the outskirts of Athens, there were demands that the populations of Britain, France, Germany and Holland get a timeshare in a Greek butler.
Plans are now being drawn up to train everyone in Greece to perform a variety of household tasks with absolute discretion.
They will then be bussed across Europe while thousands of EU helicopters drop your children's tuition fees into the unquenchable Greek money furnace.
The move has been welcomed by millions of Britons who said they would much rather have a full-sized Greek human to play with than send their horrible mistakes to university.
Tom Logan, from Finsbury Park, said: "I want one of those wrinkly old grandmothers who will be all loud and gesticulate wildly, but will make me fantastic food and pull me to her bosom and tell me how proud she is before sending me off to work while weeping hysterically.
"I would also like the prime minister of Greece to clean my bog with his tongue."
Julian Cook, from Stevenage, said: "I want Vangelis to follow me on a scooter when I go jogging and play Chariots of Fire on a Stylophone."
And Martin Bishop, from Grantham, added: "Generally speaking I'm quite self sufficient but I would like a young Greek man to wash my car on a hot summer's day.
"Or perhaps a young Greek man to help me look for change down the back of the sofa."
Helen Archer, a housewife from Peterborough, said: "My friends and I are going to apply for a swarthy man in his mid 40s and then we'll take it turns to play Shirley Valentine until we break him and get another one."

 

Council offices to grind to whatever is slower than a halt

STRIKE action by council workers could lead to a redefinition of the concept of movement, it emerged last night.
Unison members will be balloted over whether they should be allowed to avoid the same shit as the country's other 28 million workers and will down whatever their equivalent of tools are if they are not told they are really, really brilliant.
Ninety-two grand a year general Secretary Dave Prentis said: "If our demands are not met, bins will continue to just sit there forever and ever while council offices will grind to whatever is slower than remaining completely and utterly motionless."If nothing else it could herald a new golden age for theoretical physics."
He added: "You'll know they are on strike because they will be wearing a big badge that reads 'my union says I'm special'.
"After spending their allotted 20 minutes on the picket line they will then break for a three-hour encounter session on Placard Sensitivity."
The disagreement is over pensions, with public sector workers being asked if they would actually like to contribute some money towards them.
But the arbitration experts Acas said many Unison members struggle to differentiate between employment and retirement and currently believe they are being asked to pay for going to work.
A spokesman said: "Most former employees only notice they've retired because they don't spend as much time guzzling free Chardonnay in four star hotel conference rooms as they used to.
"They then get terribly frightened and demand some nice, fresh money."

Kent man wins FBI's $25m reward
for finding Bin Laden hideout with atlas and pin

Ramsgate pensioner Albert Renfrew was celebrating today after scooping the FBI's lucky $25 million prize for revealing the whereabouts of most wanted terrorist Osama Bin Laden, who was killed by US special forces last night. The FBI, whose well-known reward program offers millions of dollars in return for information leading to the apprehension of wanted enemies of the USA, said they were "delighted" to hand over the giant cardboard cheque outside Mr Renfrew's council flat this morning.
Realising that the FBI had placed no limit on the number of entries per household, and that there was no penalty for an incorrect guess, Mr Renfrew last April purchased a giant AA motoring map of Pakistan, Afghanistan and surrounding provinces, and peppered it with some eighty thousand drawing pins, each labelled "Bin Laden is here". The CIA have apparently been working their way through the pins for several months, and only yesterday turned to the small town of Abbottabad, a highland settlement north of Islamabad, where Bin Laden turned out to be indeed hiding.
"To be honest, we were starting to lose faith in Mr Renfew's intelligence," explained a grinning Major Dirk McQuickly, head of the team that carried out the assassination. "It felt like we'd been all over the bloody place following these pins, and after we spent two months trawling the bottom of a lake, a few of us were ready to give up. But all credit to that Kent genius – he knew where Bin Laden was hiding all right, and led us straight to him. How he knew, I'll never know."
Mr Renfrew credits his idea to his long experience of newspaper "spot the ball" competitions, where an entry form completely covered in little "x"s was often likely to win the prize. "It won't change my life at all," he insisted while being photographed drinking champagne with attractive models for the Thanet Observer. "I'll still enjoy a quiet pint, and I'll probably move on to Jamel Ahmed Mohammed Ali Al-Badawi – he's wanted in connection with the October 2000 bombing of the USS Cole in Yemen – there's five million for him. Luckily my wife gave me a touring map of Yemen for our first wedding anniversary, so I'll be getting my pins out later."

Clark Kent admits taking out 'Super-injunction

Clark Kent has admitted that he went to the High Court and obtained a so-called 'Super-injunction' in order to keep his identity secret. The revelation is particularly embarrassing as Mr Kent works as a mild-mannered reporter for the Daily Planet which had been campaigning for an end to the use of the law courts to protect celebrities from prying newspapers.
'Yes, the rumours about me being Superman are true,' admitted Kent. 'I only wish I had some sort of power to stop the story getting out. But the ability to fly and lift up trucks and see through solid steel is no match for Twitter.'
Kent, originally from Smallville, Kansas, admitted that it was becoming difficult for him as a journalist to question Metropolis celebrities while he himself had gone to court to stop people revealing that he was actually a superhero from the Planet Krypton.
'I'd be interviewing innocent, upstanding celebrities like, say, a Top Gear presenter, TV chef or one of the stars of Downton Abbey, when all the time I was hiding this dark secret that I had used the law courts to keep my own secret out of the newspapers. I thought, if these people don't do it, then why should I?'
The so-called 'Superman-injunction' prevented the media from even reporting that there had been an original court injunction, and is said to have incredible powers similar to those of Clark Kent's alter ego. It can make celebrities seem like quiet, upstanding citizens, disguising their real identities as sexual superheroes capable of breath-taking acts about which ordinary people can only fantasize.
'I feel so relieved now that the Superman-injunction is out in the open and I am no longer living a lie,' admitted Clark Kent in a Daily Planet interview. 'In fact things would be perfect if only I hadn't discovered that Lois Lane was shagging Ryan Giggs.'

US Navy SEAL banned from hide´n´seek competitions for 'unsportsmanlike conduct'

The World Hide-and-Seek Federation has taken the unprecedented step of handing a lifetime ban to US Navy SEAL Lance Johnson following an incident in Pakistan last week which led to the death of the then hide-and-seek world record holder, Osama bin Laden.
'Lance Johnson has long had a reputation as the bad boy of the sport,' said the governing body's president, Jack Carter. 'From the moment he appeared on the scene – popping out from behind the sofa – it was obvious that we were looking at a prodigiously talented hider and seeker, but his talent was matched only by his lack of respect for the rules of the sport. I'd always warned him that it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye.'
Johnson's 1997 world championship win was shrouded in controversy amid allegations that he waterboarded the first hider he found in order to extract information on the whereabouts of the remaining contestants, and that he made it harder for his opponents to conceal themselves by forcing them to wear bright orange boiler suits. His other infractions include fines for failing to announce 'Ready or not, here I come!' at the start of contests, and once tricking hiders to come out by falsely declaring a game to be over because it was dinner time.
'Johnson's behaviour became increasingly erratic after he lost the top spot to Osama bin Laden in 2001,' continued Carter, 'and ultimately we were left with no choice other than to impose a life ban. We have to send a clear message that shooting fellow contestants in the eye, thereby severely affecting their seeking capabilities, simply isn't acceptable in top-flight competition.'
Following the tragedy, bin Laden was given the traditional hide-and-seeker's send-off as his body was tipped overboard into the sea as his fellow contestants respectfully covered their eyes and counted to one hundred.

Duke of Yuk Can't Find Private Minders to Keep Princesses from Running Amok!

The Queen's recent edict cutting off private security for the Princess Uglies, Beatrice and Eugenie, is causing rising angst to their beleaguered father, Duke of Yuk, who in desperation resorted to the help wanted ads seeking private protection for the fashion challenged duo.
This ad appeared April 10th in 55 of Britain's most popular tabloids: Wanted: Security minded professional to act as minder for almost identical twins who've lost their mum and can sometimes be a royal pain in the arse. Can be cute and affectionate in public after a few drinks. Candidate must be fit, non smoker, non drinker, discrete and expert in self defense for his own good. Salary and Benefits commensurate with experience. Long hours, hard nights. English speaking only need apply.
Reply in confidence to PO Box 162, Buckingham Palace.
Desperate Dad
Concerned palace insiders say that as to date there have been no inquires.
"By now I thought the queue would be around the block,' said Prince Andrew's personal pants presser, " I'd take the job myself if I didn't know better. Throwing red meat to a pool of piranhas more like it...better off sticking with the Buffoon you know than a pair a Boobs you don't!"
Random conversations with the average unemployed man on the street didn't bode well for the position being filled any time soon.
"Sure, I seen it, " said recently arrived Australian deportee Randy Smithe, "I've been given $25,000 to leave Australia, and promised a week's pay and a house since I got here. I can get in enough trouble on me own without having to get involved with those cows....pretty obvious who they are, innit?"
"If I'da bin interested, I'da grabbed me coat and hat and been down the palace in a New York minute, " said chronically unemployed print journalist Harold Worth.
Andrew is said to be so desperate to put a lid on his spawn he's even approached his frequent Bunga Bunga Buddy Bill Clinton to arrange a job in Arkansas for the pair at Clinton's Presidential library.
Reportedly Andrew commented to a close friend whilst on a yacht cruise, who can't be named due to a super injunction, "At least with Bill, I know someone will be there to keep ONE Eye on 'em when they crawl around on their hands and knees...hey, wish I could be there when he asks them if they've ever seen a one eared elephant!"

Libya To Move To The UK

David Cameron has announced that Libya is to move from it's present location to a purpose built warehouse just outside Newport Pagnel.
Cameron met the new Libyan rebel leader Mustapha Laugh during a recent package holiday to Lanzarote. The British PM was saddened to hear of the civil war waging in Libya and pledged to do something positive. "I wanted to act, but had to consult with the experts on foreign policy and William Hague. It was so obvious really. If we could keep Libya away from the middle east where all the trouble is then we could stand a chance of success."
It's a small world: This would not be the first such move. Residents of Peterborough recall how Poland was relocated within their city and there have always been rumours about the inhabitants of Marsden, West Yorkshire who resemble certain characters from Deliverance.
Empty Words: The Prime Minister went on to say that he had been struck by the bravery of the Libyan rebels and how he would like to offer them all possible help, as long as it didn't involve doing something really useful.
"Mustapha Laugh and his brave band of rebels deserve our full support. I promise that this government will provide that support. When resources allow. Subject to numerous conditions being met. With a phasing in of support over a reasonable period. In due course." Mustapha Laugh said that he had invited Cameron and Hague to visit Libya. "They said 'You must be joking'".

George Michael announces comeback arrest

Pop singer George Michael has announced plans for a brand new string of arrests later this year as part of a 47-incident tour that will see him accompanied to police stations throughout Europe by a symphony orchestra.
'I felt this was really what I want to do as an artist,' he told reporters at the Royal Opera House in central London. 'I am really not interested or excited by repeating former successes, but having said that, falling asleep in a Range Rover while spaced out on skunk and Amitriptyline is something you just can't give up that easily.'
'Symphonica: The Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark Tour' will begin at a smashed-in lamppost in Prague on 22 August, and includes 12 dates at the end of October, the show then returns in the run-up to Christmas for some traditional festive drink-driving, with one further date scheduled for Paris next April, pending bail.
The 47-year-old former Wham front man has also revealed that he will be holding a special charity performance in the gents' toilets at the Royal Opera House on 6 November in aid of the late Dame Elizabeth Taylor's Aids foundation. 'It's going to be spectacular,' he said. 'Music, lights, dancing girls and undercover policemen – no expense will be spared. We're even having the disabled cubicle enlarged so we can fit in the orchestra.'
Despite claiming that his 2010 arrest for driving under the influence would be his last, Michael told reporters how keen he was to begin touring again. 'I feel re-energised after my recent troubles, thanks in the main to a series of quickies on Hampstead Heath with a middle-aged van driver from Bracknell. I just can't wait to get back on the road again – it's going to be a tour-de-force of cottaging and dangerous driving.'

Jamie Oliver re-brands bacteria as 'Funky Coli'

THE microbes present in TV chef Jamie Oliver's restaurant kitchens are cool and laid-back, it was claimed last night.
Food hygiene operatives visiting Jamie's Gammon Tongue eateries had expressed concerns about the possible health effects of ingredients getting sprayed with saliva whenever the chef tries to enunciate difficult vowel sounds.
But a spokesman for the chain claimed that all of Jamie's micro-organisms were totally chilled out.
He said: "Our patented 'Funky Coli' are brilliant little geezers, sourced from Jamie's bodily secretions, who are totally passionate about entering your digestive system.
"That is assuming they're not off surfing in their microscopic VW camper vans, enjoying a Sneaker Pimps concert with their tiny demographically-diverse germy friends or performing a similarly on-brand hobby activity.
"We can thus assure customers that any vomiting or liquid diarrhoea induced by Funky Coli consumption is trendy.
"Also we are offering a range of official Jamie's Nifty Barf Bags, ideal for storing your regurgitated stomach contents in an aspirational manner, at totally pukka prices."
He added: "Jamie's Gammon Tongue restaurants are all about delicious, locally sourced food, especially the sort purchased from a much beloved British institution and massive supermarket.
"There's nothing like a big groovy monopoly to make everything really cool for chilled-out small farmers who just occasionally happen to accidentally shoot themselves."

Scrimping show slammed by TV

The scrimping and saving show, Waste Not Want Not on the television channel Living has been slammed by the television watchdog after their article on home electrolysis.
"The show demonstrated how to construct an electrolysis device for removing body hair using an old television, a car battery, a pair of tweezers and two hundred and forty volt mains electricity," said television watchdog spokesperson, Jules Platt. "We felt this was a little dangerous."
The television watchdog has a point after there was a sudden rush of people to accident and emergency rooms up and down the country.
"We had a sudden increase in electrical burn cases," said A&E nurse, Mark V. Cortina. "It took us a while to realise what was going on. Some had quite horrendous burns on their faces, some under their arms, and one man - how shall I put this? - won't be having children in this lifetime."
Apparently, the show suggested using the old car battery as a kind of step down transformer to make the two hundred and forty volts a little safer, but the type of people who would attempt a little home electrolysis are not the type of people who should be allowed near electricity.
"Most of the burns cases were caused by poor wiring," said Platt. "The show did not provide sufficient instruction on how to wire the device together, leaving people to deduce it for themselves."
As well as dealing with dangerous electricity, attaching a car battery directly to the mains is a recipe for disaster, and there were a number of sulphuric acid burns, and in two cases coincidentally on the same street in Keswick, house fires.
Ida Cashstrapped, and Una Moneypenny the show's presenters, writers and producers defended their contraption.
"Electrolysis is an expensive treatment," said Cashstrapped. "Our device is perfectly safe when constructed to the show's specifications."
"Doing electrolysis at home is a real money saver," said Moneypenny. "And was a popular part of our last show. So much so, we will be showing housewives how to extract botulism poison from bacterial cultures to do some home botox treatment in our next show."

Bank reforms to make it look as if
something is being done

A PROPOSED shake-up of the UK banking system is to make it look as if someone is doing something about it.
The interim report from the Independent Commission on Banking sets out a series of recommendations based on their assumption that you and Vince Cable have no idea how any of this actually works.
Meanwhile the report has been given a cautious reception by the British Bankers Association in what experts have described as an insultingly transparent double bluff.
Nathan Muir, senior banking analyst at Madeley-Finnegan, said: "The central idea is that if a bank's investment arm fails then ordinary people's savings will be guaranteed and there will be no need for any more bail outs. But of course in 2008 deposits could have been guaranteed without protecting the investment arms anyway, which suggests they have come up with a solution for a problem which did not exist.
"At this stage you should feel free to start getting very suspicious."
He added: "If an investment bank fails it starts a chain reaction of screwing things up quite tremendously, so the idea that everything will be fine because your little deposit is safe and snug in it's fur-lined box is what we call 'a lot of crap'.
"When that amount of money is lost it has to be replaced somehow, otherwise many, many other businesses will collapse. And the only guaranteed way of replacing it is to get it from the government and the only guaranteed way the government can get it is from... do you really not know?
"That's right. And the reason you are the only guaranteed source of funding in the whole crooked system is because the government controls what we call 'the police'.
"So the idea that these reforms will save taxpayers' money in the event of a future banking crisis is like saying you will never get cancer because you always wear underpants."
Muir said: "You see, the thing we've learned from all of this is that unrestrained free markets are not possible without big government. "How cocked-up is that?"

Mario and Luigi not actually brothers but do live together

MOUSTACHIOED adventurers Mario and Luigi are not related but they do have a special bond, it has emerged.
The Mario 'Brothers' revelation comes in the wake of Dragon Eye 2, a computer game featuring openly gay characters on the mythical fantasy world of Grindr-onia.
Mario said: "Luigi and I are two highly compatible individuals who found each other in the eighties and have been together ever since, living in a little red brick house full of vintage theatre posters and overweight cats.
"We are not actually brothers, more like soul mates." He added: "It just felt like it was the right time to say something. Unfortunately various lucrative licensing deals prevent me from being more explicit, but let's say we're unlikely to fall out over the favours of the Princess Toadstool."
Games reviewer, Wayne Hayes, said: "They wear lurid dungarees. They have matching facial hair. They inhabit a design-heavy environment decorated in bold primary colours. Most of all, they're Italian.
"It's questionable whether this is any kind of revelation."
Veteran heterosexual gamer, Bill McKay, said: "As a red-blooded straight macho male who would definitely be shagging lots of women if he wasn't constantly sat in front of a monitor with the curtains drawn and surrounded by discarded Pot Noodle tubs, I find the thought of same sex relationships disgusting.
"However I am less troubled, and in fact somewhat aroused, by the idea of sexual relationships between men and attractive female cat-type humanoids, or busty unicorns."

Saudi Arabia bans the wearing of berets and strings of garlic

France is up in arms today after learning that the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia is to introduce a ban against the wearing in public places of berets, stripy black-and-white tops and strings of pungent bulbs used for culinary seasoning.
'Wearing this sort of dress only serves to emphasise the differences between members of our society,' said King Abdullah today. 'Those people who insist on stepping out with baguettes under their arm are undermining the basic standards of our shared society, and such nationalistic costume relegates the wearer to an inferior status. In Saudi Arabia we are proud to uphold the equality of all men, and nobody should be demeaned to the extent of being publicly identifiable as French.'
The ban is a reaction to a growing sense of Francophobia among the Saudi people, including anger at French women being forced to wear stylish couture against their will. There is also a fear that French nationals are seeking to impose Gallic values on the Saudi population by encouraging them to eat croissants and jam for breakfast and smoke unfiltered cigarettes all day.
'These fundamentalist Francophiles need to adjust to our Muslim way of life and respect our society's values,' continued the King. 'Those caught breaking the law will be given a fine and forced to attend citizenship lessons where they will be taught the rudiments of politeness, personal hygiene and military resistance. Repeat offenders will have their entitlement to drink wine with all their meals removed, along with their hands.'
The move has caused uproar in France where all public services have been brought to a standstill by an impromptu general strike against the Saudi government's proposal. The strike started late in the morning and, after a three-hour lunch break in the middle of the day, is expected to go on well into the afternoon before everyone knocks off to play boules.
Critics of the ban have suggested that Saudi Arabia should first address its own problems, including the gender inequality deeply engrained in its culture. 'We take a very progressive attitude towards women's rights,' said King Abdullah. 'But we draw the line at French women insisting on going topless on the beach. The breasts are fine, but until they learn to shave their armpits they should all be made to wear the burqa.'

Google Streetview extended to upstairs bedroom windows

Privacy campaigners have hit out at the latest version of Google Streetview, which not only shows the front of any selected property, but also allows users to zoom into a close up on any part of the building to peer through into bedrooms or bathrooms.
Google's mobile photography units have been busy recording millions of images over the past two years, and the new upgraded version of Google Streetview went on-line this morning. The images were taken by Google's mobile photography units, generally on a Saturday night after closing time, although in more sedate neighbourhoods, Sunday mornings were also found to be quite revealing.
'This is a massive personal intrusion' said Matthew Hunt of the National Campaign for Personal Privacy. 'Just with a couple of clicks of my computer I was able to zoom into the home of that young couple who live a few doors down from me and then I was able to go right up to their bedroom and look right in. The couple had been captured in the middle of undressing and then as I scanned across to the bathroom and I was able to see her in the shower, her body glistening through the soap suds. Frankly, I was shocked.'
Google have defended their new facility, saying that the view is no greater than a passer-by could obtain if he glanced across at a house in any given street, noticed a ladder down the side and then propped it up against the front to secretly watch the householders inside. Mr Hunt however has backed down from a threat to take Google to the European Court of Human Rights and has asked that they show different pictures of his own bedroom, adding that he was simply putting on that wet suit to try it on before he went on holiday and that the baby oil on his wife's best friend was to treat her dry skin.

Mobile users spending 100% more than necessary

BRITAIN'S mobile phone users could save hundreds of pounds by babbling at a calculator instead, say researchers. As a new study showed that 75% of users are on the wrong contract, further examination of the content of their texts and calls showed that not a single word of it was worth paying for anyway.
Campaigners are now calling for legislation forcing phone providers to stop offering lengthy contracts with massive call-time and text allowances to unspeakably dreary self important twats.
They want a tightening of the regulations similar to reforms which stopped banks and credit card companies from selling chocolate payment protection fireguards.
Phoneologist, Dr Wayne Hayes, said: "The main problem appears to be people getting a much larger contract allowance than they actually need for fear of going over their monthly allowance without once considering the option of getting a cheaper contract." He added: "A simple way of saving money is every time you're about to send a text with 'lol' in it, just punch yourself in the teeth and put 10p into a jar.
"And you could wait until you next see your friends before giving them your soul-destroyingly banal views on the latest batch of televised crap. "Or if you're using your phone to browse the internet for videos of kittens just, y'know, don't."

Shoplifter Peaches Geldof cursed by anagram karma

London - Is the 'Feels Dog Cheap' name rearrangement at the core of Peaches' attraction to petty shoplifting?
Ms Geldof's PR was staying schtum today as Red Tops poured scorn over the latest 'misunderstanding' over a £70 dress than vanished from a Camden Lock boutique rail.
The Three Desperados shop said one of their popular slutty-style skating frocks 'simply walked' out of the store last weekend - along with the 23 year-old TV presenter.
A previous eight shopping 'misunderstandings' with other shops have seen Geldof exonerated after returning items from her amnesia-fuelled High Street rampages.
"This time we've got her over a barrel," the Camden store's Manolo Dinos said today as he handed CCTV footage over to police.
Her April 29 royal wedding invite is now under review.

Italy evacuates 120,000 teenage girls from vicinity of Silvio Berlusconi

The Italian government has announced the urgent evacuation of nearly 120,000 teenage girls from the area around Silvio Berlusconi, the ageing prime minister has recently been damaged by a huge wave of allegations about his moral conduct.
Italy's Interior Minister, Roberto Maroni, announced the measures in an emergency broadcast. 'If you are under twenty years of age, busty, blonde, naive or possibly just a frisky little minx, then you are in danger,' he said in the broadcast. 'We will be sending minibuses to pick you up and move you at least 150km away from Silvio Berlusconi in the next 24 hours. We urge you to dress sensibly, tell your parents, and cooperate with the authorities, but not in the way that Silvio Berlusconi means it.'
The move is said to be in response to signs that Mr Berlusconi, 75, has finally begun to overheat dangerously. 'This old facility has been generating power for a surprisingly long time now,' said Mr Maroni. 'But in recent years, its facade has needed a great deal of expensive but unconvincing repair work, and it has started to consume ever greater amounts of the politically-toxic fuel Bungabung-A just to keep going'.

The danger is that Berlusconi's final meltdown will cause a chain of thirteen sexual reactions, blowing its dangerous load for miles around. The Interior Ministry has despatched a team of erotic engineers, clad in their protective birthday suits, to attempt a delicate cooling operation on the ageing premier, which has has been under increasing criticism in recent years for its poor safety record, inefficiency, and tendency to miscalculate.

'This thing has been all over the media for years,' said Mr Maroni, 'so nobody should be surprised at the peril we find ourselves in. If Berlusconi's main fuel rod finally gives out after all these years, then the resulting explosion will leave a huge power vacuum - and God knows what we'll all end up covered in. It could be worse than one of his late night Cabinet meetings.'

 

Third world development: UN suggest internet fraud

The United Nations is proposing a radical new way to end poverty in Africa; training farmers to switch from subsistence agriculture to internet fraud.

'It's simple;' said Mr James Bowen, UN Spokesman for Development. 'Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him to phish, and before you know it he's ordering a Merc and moving fast up the Nigerian rich list.'
The so-called 'ScamAid' initiative will teach modern-day Robin Hoods to empty the bank accounts of rich Westerners to pay for schools and health clinics in third world communities. According to the United Nations, only 0.5% of the developed world would have to be thick enough to hand over their personal details to a local ScamAid partner in order to vaccinate and educate every child under twelve. 'It's basically a tax on stupidity' explained the UN spokesman. 'So we're forgetting all that worthy water pumps and irrigation stuff. Instead local church leaders are learning how to send emails about penis enlargement and Viagra samples.'

A pilot scheme in Burkina Faso raised millions of dollars sending out messages telling Western office workers that they have won the Nigerian lottery. Speaking through an interpreter, a local villager elder explained how ScamAid had helped his family. 'In my land there is no water. The cattle die. My wife walk many miles for water and firewood. But now I have laptop and Paypal account. Sell stuff on eBay I don't have. Thank you United Nations.'
However some local politicians have grown so rich siphoning money out of the 'ScamAid' project that they are now spending all day on their expensive new computers. One military leader has complained that he sent off thousands of dollars in response to a Spanish time-share investment opportunity, but has yet to hear anything back.

People still unsure how banks work

THE £6.5m bonus paid to Barclays chief Bob Diamond was last night criticised by people with no real grasp of capitalism.

Angry online word-flingers roundly condemned the sum which coincidentally was the jackpot amount won in the weekend's lottery by somebody who did approximately 12 seconds' work buying their ticket.

Julian Cook, from Donnelly-McPartlin, said: "I will cheerfully give a weeks' wages to the first internet Paxman complaining about our bonus system that can even vaguely explain what it is we do for a living.

"Bob Diamond earned his bonus by maximising Barclay's equity differential market by a factor of six whilst ensuring their contingent capital base stayed under 2.3% Or have I just made all of that up? You haven't the faintest idea, have you?"

But taxi driver and part-time financial analyst Roy Hobbs said: "It's all about fat cats and bailouts, isn't it? We own Barclays along with all the other banks so where's my £6.5 million? That's the question I'm absolutely convinced I'm the first person to ever have asked."
But Cook stressed: "Arsing off about the capitalist system is rather like a fish complaining about the preponderance of water in its life.

"Unless, of course, you're somehow venting your dreary, uninformed fury on the internet via a computer made from twigs by a worker's collective.

"And complaining that bankers are obsessed with making money is like saying lions are obsessed with eating gazelles.

"Perhaps you'd prefer us to sit around weaving fair trade wicker baskets and then use the profits from that to lend you cheap money so you can buy all those things you simply have to have."

He added: "We could try communism but then Bob Diamond would earn millions from being in the politburo, only you'd know nothing about it because the newspaper has just the one story and it's about how great your community tractor is.

"You could try complaining, just like you are now, but then someone who works for Bob Diamond would shoot you in the face."

 

Supergran Was Spurned Seventh Member Of Gang

The plucky grandmother who intervened in an attempted robbery at a Northampton jewellery shop earlier this week, had, in fact, been the seventh member of the gang, but had fallen out with its leader in the days leading up to the raid.

Elsie Watkins, 83, told police she had, until last Wednesday, intended to take part in the robbery, but was told that her distinctive red coat would draw too much attention from passers-by. She was then unceremoniously booted-out of the scheme.
Shunned, she formulated her own counter-plan, which she then executed with the utmost precision, intervening as the gang tried to break the windows of the store in order to get at the loot.
Watkins sprinted up the High Street like a woman possessed, before clattering her former friends with her handbag and shouting at the top of her voice:

"Stop Stephen! 'Ere, Billy, now you just pack that in! You wouldn't let me take part; now I'm going to spoil it for you, you rapscallions!"

Members of Northampton Police today praised her brave efforts, and said that Elsie was currently 'down at the station' helping them with their inquiries. One officer told us:
"She was part of the set-up, but was then thrown out at the last minute due to some logistical discrepancy. It's typical of the attitude towards the elderly in this country at the moment. Elsie's story is a shining example of the grit and determination shown by all the old dears in Britain today, and I, for one, take my helmet off to her."
Last night, several clothing chains were reporting a massive increase in sales of red coats of the style worn by Elsie, especially amongst the elderly and decrepit.

 

"Desperately Seeking" Sally Bercow "the Alley Cat"

Sally Bercow played the little woman at the weekend when she took her family to the Grimaldi Memorial service.
After a week of being in the limelight and playing the "femme fatale" in a sexy, provocative photoshoot the wannabe posed with her husband and made him look "like a right Charlie". Speaker John Bercow had a rictus-like grin on his face
In the wake of the publicity of the nude photoshoot and the toe-curling details about their sex-life Mr Bercow looked like a very embarrassed man.
It has been rumoured that the sexy blond bimbo is now to play the lead role in a new series of "Westminster Call Girls." Sally said she was looking forward to taking on the role played by Billie Piper. She said, "I am able to diversify and use my knowledge of the sex industry. I will get on the Internet and offer to give MPs a kick up the backside and a bit of S & M and flagellation. I will market myself as a "Scantily Clad Woman In a Bedsheet". Sally obviously will have to train up more staff to run her 7 day a week vice empire.
She is hoping to go into the House of Lords and be a paid dominatrix and she is also asking Max Moseley for his expertise in developing the corporate side of her Vice Business. At the moment Sally is developing a Website of Westminster Call Girls. She is an entrepreneur and is asking consultant Deborah Meadham's advice on learning about being in business and not scrabbling around in a sheet. On the website there will be glossy pictures of Sally and her girls. Friends like Baroness Warsi and Yvette Cooper will be on her books at her escort agency. Sally is putting together a very solid business plan to utilise her physical attributes.
Sally is hoping to provide an Internet Cafe where MPS networking at Westminster will be able to have the confidence to make a date with one of her "Cougar Cuties".
As an entrepreneur Sally has a duty to ply her trade however big a tit she makes of herself. Entertainment in the shadow of Big Ben will give the honourable members a thrills.
To start the company Sally will arrange a series of events where she will showcase her talents appearing as a naked clown with a bow-tie and a clown's red nose. Poor Sally will have to manage her business without an office, only her bedroom and is solely in charge of the orgy events. Events management will enhance her skills and the opportunity to develop new skills as a madam. All of the profits will be ploughed back into the business and she will be buying some nipple tassels for her vice girls. Project Manager, and entrepreneur Sally will also be teaching Sex Events Management and will be doing a lot of 'in house parliament events'.
Sally has complete belief in the product she is selling and is very aware of her own strengths but is unable to acknowledge her weaknesses.
The Speaker is said to be bemused by his sexy wife's plan but is hoping that she will make useful contacts and be able to mingle with people like John Prescott and Boris Johnson.
Sally said she was looking forward to making a film called "Sex in the City" She said she did not realise how powerful an aphrodisiac it would be having a bedchamber where she could hear the bells of Big Ben chiming.
Odds on husband Bercow getting the boot are now 3:1. He is lucky his entrepreneurial wife has her "Good Time Girl" vice business on the side.

M25 'just ends up back where it started'

THE M25 is a huge waste of money that goes round in a loop and just ends up back where it started, according to a devastating new report.

MPs have discovered that the motorway does not even go anywhere and instead sends motorists in a pointless circle around greater London.

According to the House of Commons transport committee, the M25 had already cost taxpayers £15bn even before ministers approved a £1bn plan to widen bits of it instead of making it go somewhere interesting or useful.

The report stated; "The improvement programme presented ministers with a perfect opportunity to take the M25 over to the seaside or up a big hill with a nice view. Or perhaps even to Norwich.

"Instead they have simply made it easier for more cars to go nowhere at all."

Roy Hobbs, deputy chairman of the Royal Institute of Chartered Engineers, said: "The M25 is the greatest engineering scandal since the west coast mainline was found to be an elaborate hoax involving film sets and bits of old scenery from the Theatre Royal.

"If I was going to build a road I would want it to go from one place to a different place. I wouldn't just draw a circle on a map and then say 'do that' to a bunch of builders."

He added: "The M1 goes to a huge variety of windy Northern hellholes, while the M4 could take you all the way to Wales if things ever got that bad.

"The M6 has two distinct ends that are miles apart and the M5 is absolutely brilliant at getting people from Clevedon to Tewkesbury.
"Now that's a proper road."

 

Billy Bragg has absolutely gigantic house

YOU would not believe the size of Billy Bragg's house, it emerged last night. As Bragg's neighbours received anonymous letters urging them to drive the hectoring socialist monster out of their sleepy Dorset village, everyone said who cares about that stuff, look at the size of that bloody thing.
Bragg bought the house 11 years ago as a protest against living somewhere really pokey without a glorious view and an acre of expertly manicured left-wing garden.
Tom Logan, a man who thinks New England is quite good, said: "I always imagined he lived in a terrace in a moderately gentrified part of east London, surrounded by people from a variety of cultures that he would 'jam' with. "And I assumed that he would keep just enough money to live a simple life and give the rest to poor people or small circulation magazines about struggles.
"I have to say that the sheer heft of Mr Bragg's house has come as something of a shock."
Helen Archer, a woman who's having none of it, said: "I'm sure he's done very well for himself - that song he did about having sex is very jaunty. But wasn't he supposed to hand over most of his money in order to promote some notion of equality? Or did he think the government was supposed to do it for him?"
Bill McKay, a man who has not worked in 11 years because of Thatcher, stressed that he would have been willing to accept a very small percentage of the money Mr Bragg spent on his sprawling seaside mansion.
He added: "I would have gladly given him my sort code and account number so he could do a BACS transfer.
"Or I would have got the bus down to Dorset and waited in one of the beautifully appointed rooms of his gigantic house while he finished his latest song about the unfairness of everything."
Last night Bragg said he would have given more money to poor people if it was not for the extension and the double glazing and confirmed that anyone who noticed the size of his house was just an 'old fashioned racist

Britain to celebrate Royal wedding with massive fight

THE ban on street brawling will be lifted temporarily for the royal wedding to allow celebratory fighting, it has been confirmed.
Pubs will also be open until 1am on the night of April 29, providing cheap, strong drinks to fuel a national outpouring of jubilant violence.
A Clarence House spokesman said: "Nothing is more emblematic of modern Britain than pints of nut brown ale and random acts of savagery, especially against strangers who happen to have a distinguishing feature, such as a hat.
"The union of our future king and his live-in girlfriend is a wonderful opportunity for his loyal subjects to visit their favourite vertical drinking establishment, probably on some sort of leisure estate sandwiched between a cajun restaurant and a massive craft shop.
"The wedding will be shown on a large, wipe-clean kevlar screen that they can throw things at.
"Then they will turn on each other in an orgy of festive blood lust never forgetting that viscera is this generation's confetti."
He added: "It's going to be a wonderful day, whether you enjoy it in town or at home, hiding."
Trainee plasterer, Wayne Hayes, said: "I'll be treating it like a big sporting event. I will pick a 'side', either William or Kate, for entirely arbitrary reasons and then kick the heck out of anyone who disagrees with me."
Architect Roy Hobbs said: "These royal jamborees are an over hyped, superficial distraction from the harsh realities of modern life.
"Which is why I'll be down the Mason's Arms, necking a load of vodka and going mental with a pool cue."

Look at these fat freaks, says television

THIS year's television schedules will focus on staring blankly at the immensely fat, it has been confirmed.
Broadcasters have unveiled their new series for 2011, all of which feature enormous people being filmed from every conceivable angle.
BBC3's new four-parter Tubby Trek follows the life-affirming journey of Britain's fattest man, Stephen Malley, as he is winched and towed across the Andes in search of the world's most calorific food - a quasi-mystical paste called Gondok made from reduced yak butter, whale thigh and cloves.
A spokesman said: "This is one man's transformation from hungry to not hungry. The scenery is as breathtaking as his big, crazy arse."
Channel 4's Fat Shock season will return with "Cheese In Their Folds", a documentary which graphically fails to disprove the myth that very obese people have a dairy-like sediment in their back cleavage. E4 will screen "amous Cheese In Their Folds".
Meanwhile Channel 5 will follow-up hit show "You Wouldn't Believe How Blooming Fat This One Is" with "No Wait, This One's Even Fatter, Look What Happens When We Poke It".
TV pundit, Nikki Hollis, said: "Massive people make perfect television because they are simultaneously endearing and revolting. They're like pandas that it's ok to hate.
"Also, when they fall over, they really struggle to get back up. "It can actually be very moving."

Petrol to be 'watered down'

FuelLeaks, the whistle-blowing energy site have revealed shock details that the government are proposing to water down petrol in order the save money.
It follows a lead by drug dealers who are peddling powder containing as little as 1% pure cocaine as they try to make up for lost sales in the recession. They are mixing it with Benzocaine and lidocaine which mimic the numbing effects of cocaine. Just by sight you are not going to know what the quality of the cocaine is.
FuelLeaks say that Phil Hammond, Transport Minister, has agreed, in principal, to allow major petrol suppliers to mix their petrol with water. Hammond's rationale is simple: As fuel prices continue to rise drivers will be much less willing to fill their cars up, particularly if their cars don't work properly. We have worked out that, with a ratio of 1 part petrol to 99 parts water, at current prices the actual cost of the petrol itself will be around £128.70 a litre.

America one step closer to realising life is not a film

THE United States has taken another small step towards realising they are not all the stars of some badly written melodrama. Faint neural connections were achieved in the country's 300 million brains after it emerged that when the people who run the country talk like a Stephen Seagal character and you give guns to nutters then actual humans get killed in real life.
As the investigation began into the shooting of Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords and the murder of six others, psychiatrists said America may now be starting to recognise that if you are not on a film set then grabbing a massive pistol and saying 'let's dance' in a deep, croaky voice is terrifying and insane.
Dr Julian Cook, head of geo-cultural psychology at Reading University, added: "When we're little children we imagine we're James Bond or the star of a violent war film. We clutch at our chest in fake injury before recovering and killing all the baddies with our high-powered index finger.
"Now imagine a hugely powerful economy where everyone thinks like that every minute of the day and they all have incredibly real guns."
But Todd Logan, from Minnesota, said: "I was one of the stars of 9-11: Freedom's Darkest Hour. I played the character who phoned up the White House and told the President he had to kick some ass.
"Then, a few minutes later, you see him contacting me personally through my television to say 'mission accomplished' before kissing his wife who we all thought was dead. It was a really great scene."
He added: "I only have a very minor part in Arizona Takedown - I play 'Man with Opinion' - but I am up for a big role in How Todd Logan Succeeds in Business Without Really Trying."
Meanwhile Sarah Palin, star of Lock and Load: The Sarah Palin Story, has insisted that gun sights can be used for all kinds of things, such as baking, jam making and homeopathic medicine.
As she came under attack for publishing a map which showed rifle crosshairs over Gabrielle Giffords' congressional district, Palin rejected claims she had promoted violence and said gun sights are rarely used in conjunction with guns.
She said: "I actually bought the sight for my R-15 Bushmaster semi-automatic hunting rifle as an attachment for my bread maker.
"Once you've removed the glass and the bolts you can use it as a funnel for adding chocolate chips or little pieces of marshmallow."

China hoaxes Edinburgh Zoo with two men in black and white furry panda suits

Scotland: Panda Diplomacy took a new twist today with the donation to Edinburgh Zoo of 'two breeding Chinese males' dressed in fluffy panda suits.
The outfits are identical to those worn by keepers in Shendong Panda Reserve's rehoming program that reintroduces young cubs to the wild for the first time.
The disguises apparently make the young bears adapt more easily to their new habitats and are manufactured from 100% washable nylon.
Commenting on today's gift by the Spoof Chinese Wildlife Conservation Association Scotland's First Minister Alex Salmond said "WTF?"
The gift of bears was witnessed by Deputy Prime Monster Nick Clegg and Chinese Vice Premier Li Keqiang.
Tian Tian and Yangguang, a breeding pair of males, will be under the custodianship of the Scottish Zoological Ass-Ossiation.
A government spokesman said today that 'the project represents the culmination of five years of political and diplomatic negotiation at the highest levels.'
Any offspring from the breeding pair are thought to be extremely unlikely.

UNIVERSITIES MAY BE FORCED TO CUT MEDIA STUDIES AND HOSPITALITY MANAGEMENT

BUDGET cuts will mean Britain's universities will no longer be able to teach young people how to read newspapers and smile at tourists, it was claimed last night. University leaders have warned that unless the proposed cuts are reversed Britain could soon have the worst trained public relations executives in the developed world.
Dr Julian Cook, vice chancellor of the University of Didcot, said: "In recent years we have been able to propel Britain to the top of the PR executive league table to the extent that everything in this country is essentially some form of public relations exercise. "If we cut back now then we will deny an entire generation their dream of trying to mislead a journalist who has spent six long, hard years at university learning how to switch on a tape recorder."
Dr Cook, who has a Phd in the films of Chevy Chase, from Caddyshack to Goose on the Loose, warned that many of Britain's leading higher education institutions could be forced to teach science. He added: "And I would like Lord Mandelson to explain how we're supposed to take less than three years to train hospitality workers to smile, carry things and not be a sullen, belligerent, moronic pain in the arse from the very second you check in.
"People are not born with a natural ability to smile and perform really simple tasks in exchange for money. It takes tens of thousands of pounds and a huge amount of public relations. "Unless we maintain our current levels of investment, Didcot University's motto of 'Your Tomorrow Future Today Now' will soon start to sound hollow and meaningless."

BRITAIN'S POOR PEOPLE NOW BEYOND THE PALE

BRITAIN'S poor people have plumbed new depths of sheer, unbridled ghastliness, according to a new report.
A survey by the Office of National Statistics revealed that people on low incomes have abandoned all recognised forms of decency and are now locked in a spiral of jaw-droppingly unspeakable horror.
The ONS survey found that 64% had considered selling their children to Chinese pirates, while 38% had actually locked their child in a trunk and sent it to the Isle of Man, before asking the News of the World to donate £50,000 to their 'Find My Precious Baby' campaign.
Poor women now have an average of 5.4 children each from an average of 42.6 possible fathers, while more than three-quarters no longer speak a recognisable form of English but communicate with each other through a series of grunts and whistles.
The typical poor person's diet consists of extracting the grease from cheeseburgers and mixing it with Wotsits, before tossing the squeezed meat to their illegal fighting dogs. Meanwhile more than half spend up to 15 hours a day watching black market Hungarian pornography and Steven Seagal films, while 94% are engaged in depraved sex acts with their girlfriend's great-grandmother in the hope of an all expenses paid trip to the Jeremy Kyle show.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Poor people were especially horrid until the mid 19th Century when many of them suddenly became Australian.
"Since then we have seen a steady increase in their squalid awfulness to the point where their behaviour would be enough to make Fagin puke up his lunch."

EVERYONE TO GET A FLAMETHROWER

THE government is to overcome Britain's inability to order grit by giving everyone their own flamethrower.
As ministers launched a wide-ranging inquiry into the nature of coldness, the first flamethrowers were being handed out in car parks across Surrey.
Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford, said: "Gosh, it's quite heavy isn't it? Now then, let me just try and point it at some snow."
Officials said that instead of the bi-annual round of buck passing and recriminations followed by a comprehensive overhaul of Britain's grit ordering procedures that was obviously not going to work, it was actually much easier just to give everyone in the country their own petrol-based snow-melting capability.
Mrs Gerving added: "Ooh, it's got quite a kick when you fire it up. You really need to keep your shoulder very steady. Funny pong too. Can you use it indoors?"
Meanwhile, Nathan Muir, a trainee accountant from Redhill, said he will use his flamethrower to live out his Tour of Duty fantasy where he is a 19 year-old 'grunt' from Cleveland called Joe who is on a tense foot patrol near Da Nang, if Da Nang was under four feet of snow and had a Holland and Barrett.
The upcoming inquiry, to be chaired by TV chef Gary Rhodes, will be the first time in more than a decade that the British government has explored the nature of coldness and the effect that very low temperatures can have on everyday objects like aeroplanes, chocolate and Kay Burley.
Rhodes said: "As a busy chef I use fridges and freezers almost every week, so I know just how devastating coldness can be. Especially to fondue and Scotch broth."
But the government last night rejected opposition calls to widen the scope of the inquiry to cover the full range of temperatures and their effect on British goods and services.
A spokesman for the department of inquiries said: "This is not the time to be asking questions about hotness. Let's wait until we have a hosepipe ban in place before we open that can of worms."
The coldness probe is likely to follow the same criteria as the annual inquiry into where water comes from and why it moves around so easily.

CONSUMERS TO LINK OIL COMPANY PROFITS AND PETROL PRICES ANY DAY NOW

OIL company executives were last night heading to undisclosed locations amid speculation that consumers were about to make the link between high petrol prices and corporate profits.

As Shell and BP both reported a sharp increase in first quarter earnings, industry experts said drivers who are currently sitting in a queue outside a petrol station in Scotland waiting to pay £1.25 a litre would soon work out the connection.

Tom Logan, an analyst at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: "At that point they will get out of their car, calmly dust themselves down and then commit every fibre of their being to hunting down oil company bosses and killing them like rabid dogs.

"They will develop a far away look in their eyes, wear camouflage clothing and sit around campfires at night, sharpening their machetes and describing all the ways they are going to inflict pain on the finance director of Texaco.

"There will also be those who want to hang them up by the feet until the last remaining pennies fall out of their pockets and then beat them to death like one of those Mexican donkey things full of sweets."

Many oil executives have put in place contingency plans including false beards, wide, floppy hats and unusual foreign accents.

Some have even changed their names and signed up as Greenpeace volunteers in the hope of throwing angry drivers off the scent.

Logan added: "The executives may think they are safe inside their volcano fortresses, but I suspect they have not had to deal with a Scotsman who wants his money back."

 

Ealing borough to import igloos

MP for Ealing Central, Angie Bray, has confirmed reports the borough are to import Igloos from Greenland in a bid to increase affordable housing in the area.
Ealing is currently in the midst of a housing crisis, likely to be impacted further by the recent changes to Housing benefit announced at the Budget.
Thousands of Inuits have been evicted from their homes to allow the excavation work to proceed.
Council worker Sheila Baste said, 'This is a very sensitive topic for those residing in the borough of Ealing, with some feeling the population is high enough without encouraging more to target a council deemed by many as a soft touch.'
Ealing Common is the proposed location for the igloos, with planning permission granted for some up to five stories high. Work on lift shafts is said to have commenced some weeks ago with locals enraged at the lack of consultation.
Commoner Charlie Buck said, 'We were lead to believe that this was Thames water conducting surveys of the area, only to find that was not the case. We are disgusted at the deceit of Ealing Borough council.'
Angie Bray denied reports that this was an immigration programme agreed between the two countries to re-house anti-social Inuits on British shores.
'There is simply no way we would agree to such a thing, we have enough social unrest in the borough as it is. Besides, they simply aren't agressive enough to fit in.'

 

Cat Bin Woman Fined - "Wrong Type of Litter" say Council

A woman from the West Midlands, who became a national figure of hate for putting a cat in a bin, has been fined £250 by her local council.
Coventry City Council say they took action when video footage taken by a neighbour showed Mary Bale putting the animal in the wrong type of bin. The council's communications officer, Tony Ballbag, explained the decision:
"It is quite clear: the woman in question was seen putting a cat in a green wheelie bin, and not the designated red bins that the council has provided for live pets.
"As a council, Coventry prides itself on increasing our domestic animal recycling rates from 0% in 1997 up to 68% this year.
"The vast majority of those animals have been re-directed to local Chinese takeaways, apart from the rodents - which are shipped directly to Richard Gere's residence to be "re-homed"."
Miss Bale had earlier pleaded guilty to various offences brought by the RSPCA, but a judge had thrown out the case because "the cat did look a bit scruffy, so it seemed a fair enough course of action."
Former Really Wild Show presenter Terry Nutkins was present at the court, but seemed less than interested in the case of Miss Bale. He refused to be drawn on the matter, but was wearing a sandwich board bearing the slogan:

I HATE OTTERS.
DID YOU SEE WHAT THEY DID TO MY FINGERS?

 

DREARY WOMEN GIVEN SOMETHING NEW TO TALK ABOUT and friends to do it with?

DREARY women across Britain finally have something new to talk about for the next six to nine months.
As Clarence House confirmed the engagement of Prince William and Kate Middleton, women with turgid, empty, pitiful lives set up Facebook pages dedicated to a dress that does not yet exist.
Jane Thompson and her friend Alice Maynard said in perfect unison: "Oh my God I'm so happy for them she's going to look so beautiful they are the most perfect couple you have ever ever seen the wedding is going to be the high point of my life I'm sleeping on a pavement."
Thompson added: "Oh look, I think I've pissed myself."
The wedding ceremony will be held at either Westminster Abbey or St Paul's Cathedral, followed by a reception filled with people who regard the likes of you as barely the same species.
Prime minister David Cameron led the congratulations saying: "This is a great day for our country. Shut up, yes it is.
"Once again Britain will lead the world as we make the most enormous fuss imaginable over two incredibly wealthy young people who have been handed everything on a plate."
But angry socialists condemned the wedding insisting it was 'bread and circuses' for a population already seething with anger over the government's budget cuts and the cynical hairstyles of X Factor's Katie Waissel.
Martin Bishop, the left-wing Labour MP for Gateshead Toilet, started to say something about an establishment con-trick and starving Africans before everyone wandered off or began talking over him.
Julian Cook, professor of Kate Middleton at Reading University, added: "I'm all for classical allusions, but the smart-arse 'bread and circuses' remark doesn't really work in a world full of fat people and satellite television."
But thousands of ordinary subjects across the country defied socialism, wished the couple well and said they were looking forward to Miss Middleton becoming the Princess of Wales and then devouring her like a suckling pig.
Helen Archer, a woman with a Princess Margaret teapot and a thousand yard stare from York, said: "She will become me and I will become her. Unless she gets too uppity or hangs about with poofters."
Emma Bradford, from Stevenage, said: "I will take possession of her thoughts, they will become my currency and the Daily Mail will be my cash machine."

Meanwhile a spokesman for the Defence Manufacturers Association added: "Our best wishes to William and Kate and wouldn't it be refreshing to hear a Princess of Wales say something nice about landmines for a change?"

 

TWITTER TRIAL JUDGE ISSUES ARREST WARRANT FOR WILE E. COYOTE

A LEADING circuit judge has today issued an arrest warrant for hungry cartoon predator Wile E Coyote.
Jacqueline Davies said there was now clear evidence that Mr Coyote intended to commit murder and should be arrested and held on remand until a trial date can be set.
Judge Davies said: "Mr Coyote's recent purchase of a giant crossbow is clear indication of menace."
But lawyers for Mr Coyote said that not only had his early attempts to use the crossbow ended with him smashing head-first into a cliff, he was also just a cartoon.
Stephen Malley QC said: "My client - and the alleged target of his aggression - are the result of thousands of individual drawings which have been photographed and then screened in rapid succession.
"We are sure that if the court watches all 48 of Mr Coyote's adventures in their entirety it will become apparent that not only is he unlikely to commit the murder, he was never supposed to.
"Additionally, the series of unsuccessful purchases Mr Coyote makes from the Acme Company underline not only his inability to commit the murder, but suggest that my client and his alleged target are merely the subjects of some short, animated films in which the normal rules of physics and biology are suspended."
But Judge Davies said: "The nature of Mr Coyote's existence and the efficacy of his methods are both irrelevant. It is his stated intentions that have brought him before this court.
"And if counsel insists on maintaining the position that a cartoon character is somehow physically and psychologically incapable of attempted murder, I would urge him to examine my summing up in the Crown versus Fudd."

Mega-mosque Plans to Be Put on Hold

Plans to build a mega-mosque in London West Ham have had to be put on hold for the time being after it was discovered that the land on which it is to be built, was once the site of a butchers shop.
A spokesman for the group who wants to build the mega-mosque, Ali-s bin-Wankin, told In Seine News today; "we bought this land in good faith and had plans to build a large community complex in time for the 2012 Olympics in London. We were led to believe that the ground had not been built on since the blitz, when a row of shops received a direct hit from a doodlebug [V1 flying bomb]. There had certainly been no development there for over 50 years and apart from the occasional house brick and piece of scrap metal, the ground was clear for development."
"An estate agent calling himself Mr Kipper [something fishy about that] approached us and asked us if we would like to buy a building plot for the very reasonable price of £100,000 for 55,000m² - that is under £1 per m2. We thought it was an offer that we could not refuse so we bought it from him. We thought that Allah was being most merciful to us and was giving us a base to operate from. We were even given planning permission from the local council to build a large community centre.
Once we got our hands on the deeds to the land, we looked at them and indeed discovered that there were indeed a row of shops there until the war. One of them happened to be a butchers shop with its own abattoir in the garden and it can be safely assumed that there are a huge quantity of pigs buried there!"
"With a name like West Ham, we should have known better!!!"
The group is now considering selling the land for a knockdown price of £99,000.

Biggest Robbery In British History

The biggest robbery in British history occurred earlier this week, as thieves made off with the astonishing amount of £3.2 billion, dwarfing such robberies as the Brinks-Mat one. Police are uncertain as to how this was pulled off, but are questioning a number of suspects in central London.
Criminals persuaded millions of people to send them over a hundred pounds each, for a service that is already free all over the world, and one that is already paid for in Britain by the government. Then they simply kept the money, and didn't even bother doing what they were supposed to be paid for.
A source close to the thieves said: 'It was brilliant, one of the gang got £18 million for doing nothing at all, and more millions were stolen by their computer handlers, claiming they needed the cash to create the most expensive weathermap programme in the world, something that any student could design for a hundred quid.'
And further investigations revealed that tens of millions were used to build a fake toy town in Hertfordshire, even with tube trains that go nowhere, for no other reason than to line the crooks' pockets.
A Metropolitan Police spokesman said: 'We appeal to the public to help us stop these dangerous criminals, £3.2 billion is bigger than most countries' annual defence budgets. If they strike again, then hospitals may need to be closed, and thousands of jobs lost and state benefits cut. Pensioners should particularly beware of the thieves when they're entering post offices.'
And in an anonymous phone call, one of the criminals said: 'We still can't believe we got away with it! And not just once, but for year after year! This swindle makes all other ones look trivial. I'm off for my 8-month holiday in the Bahamas, will be back next year to try and do it all again.'
One Swiss merchant baker in Zurich added: 'I'm sorry, we can't reveal any details of the accounts of our billionaire criminal clients. All that we can say is that some of our German ones are extremely envious of the alleged fraud in London, and so are we.'
Sir Terence Wogan was seen running down a side street with a stocking on his head.

Apple launch special phone for prisoners

Always eager to find new gaps in the shrinking mobile phone market, Apple believe they are on to a winner with the new Icon phone, designed specifically for prisoners' use.

The phone is small, only the size of your thumb, and has a Teflon coating making it non-stick and easy to slip into hard to search body orifices.

It has a built in camera for those money-making tabloid exclusive photographs and sound recording technology to record confessions in the punishment block.

Instead of a ringer it has a pulsating vibration alarm so prisoners can just slip it out easily to answer calls.

The long-life battery can be charged by sticking its two probes into an orange (or lemon).

It comes ready loaded with drug dealer information for the whole of the UK and its special GPS facility allows accurate information during escapes.

To pass the time it has 15 great built-in games.

Apple say the new Icon represents a step forward in phone design and should find many users inside and outside of jail establishments.

It is due to be launched on Friday, at HMP Holloway, when 25 phones will be thrown over the wall at midnight.

A Prison Guard's Union official said that the new phone would not go down well with warders since they each make many thousands of pounds a year selling phones to the cons.

 

"Looking for something to do and friends to do it with? "

PUB chain Wetherspoons is to open outlets in accident and emergency departments for injured brawlers who want another drink.

The hospital pubs will cater primarily for the weekend crowd of young, bleeding partygoers who have just been in a drunken, violent fight about nothing.

A spokesman said: "These outlets will be designed in a way that is sensitive to the other patients. There won't be any loud music or fruit machines. Just booze, value for money food and a fag machine.

"They will also have appropriate names like 'The 16 Stitches', 'The Mutiple Contusion' and 'The Face and Bottle'."

He added: "There is a long tradition of drunk people having their limbs sawn off going back to the Napoleonic wars. Admittedly they were soldiers and sailors rather than people who had received a shoeing outside a kebab shop that was largely their own fault."

A&E consultant, Dr Roy Hobbs, said: "There is a fear that drunk, aggressive people will continue to drink and become more aggressive if they are effectively being stretchered into another pub.

"However I'd prefer them to be unconscious through drink rather than three-quarters pissed and trying to bite my face off."

Julian Cook, who gets in a fight with a human or an object most weekends, said: "I don't think there's anything wrong with enjoying a pint and a cajun platter while waiting for your head to be pieced back together.

 

BBC Guide To Spotting Upset Licence Payers

BBC licence fee collectors have been advised to be wary of customers using words like "shambles" and "useless" - they might be complaining about the broadcaster's service!
The advice comes in a new "idiot's guide" for the collectors.

It highlights what to look out for in letters, such as key words like "disgraceful," "appalling" or "furious."
It also says: "Remember, underlining of key words and phrases or the use of bold or capital letters designed to make certain parts of a letter stand out is also an indication of a complaint."

"I don't know about 'idiot's guide' - this is more like a moron's guide," said a BBC insider last night.

"And what about the advice to those who collect the fee at the doorstep? 'A smack in the mouth probably means the customer is unhappy about something,' it says.
"Then it adds that if the customer looks like he's about to release his snarling Staffordshire Bull Terrier at you, he's not entirely happy for you to be there."

 

WOMEN CALL FOR€10 BILLION G-SPOT EXPEDITION

BRITISH women are calling for an 'unprecedented national effort' after new scientific evidence suggested the fabled G-spot may be real.
Researchers last night unveiled blurred images which they claim confirm the existence of the region, dismissed for centuries as a cruel myth.
Professor Henry Brubaker said: "Einstein was right. There's definitely something up there."
Demand for a full-scale expedition is now at fever-pitch with millions of women signing petitions, sending emails and grabbing politicians by the neck and pinning them to wall.
Marjorie Kenilworth, president of the Women's Institute, said: "I believe that this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of sending a probe to the G-spot and returning it safely to the back of the bedroom drawer.
"No single project in this period will be more impressive to mankind, or more important for the long-range exploration of our tubes."
She added: "We go to the G-spot, not because it is easy, but because it is hard."
The Institute wants an immediate £10 billion injection to complete the development of the Denzel Washington probe, and provide plenty of scented candles.
Mrs Kenilworth added: "After the near misses of the Clooney and Pitt programmes, the Denzel V remains our last, best hope. God speed."

Police Cutbacks - 'Brilliant Idea' Say Criminals

Criminals across the UK have greeted the news of radical cutbacks in Britain's police service with a resounding thumbs up.
"That'll do for me," Freddie 'Fatfingers' Kosilikit of the Russian Mafia told us. "They're a pain in the arse, the Dibble. It's about time somebody cut back on them. They're an obstruction to good business practices. Now we may be able to get back to earning some decent wonga without unnecessary interference."
Leading Con-Dem politicians have lauded the cutbacks as a necessary step in the continuing battle of good against evil. One leading player said that anti-social behaviour and violent crime were nothing more than figments of a paranoid public's collective imagination.
As were serial killers and terrorists.
Speaking from his country pile in Gloucestershire, he said that he had not, at any point witnessed such carrying on.
The government proposed yesterday that all citizens should be issued with warrant cards, pointy helmets, whistles and truncheons so that they could sort out their own problems without interference from the law.
And riot shields in run down inner city neighbourhoods.
Sir Robert Peel was reportedly turning in his grave.
More as we get it.

RETIREMENT AGE RAISED TO FIVE YEARS AFTER YOU DIE

PEOPLE will be expected to work for a minimum of five years as a zombie under new government plans to raise the retirement age.
Funerals will include a compulsory back to work assessment and any corpse refusing to attend job interviews will have their supply of brains cut off.
Work and pensions secretary, Iain Duncan Smith, said: "From the fast food sector to Britain's burgeoning call centre industry, there is a great untapped market for the shuffling undead.
"ASDA have already shown that it is possible to staff large premises with nothing but the denizens of the underworld.
"With these new measures we hope to finally remove the warming promise of death's embrace that used to give so many a vague glimmer of hope."
Exemptions will be made for those who died in explosions, plane crashes or catastrophic chainsaw failures but their body parts will have to be examined by a benefits officer to assess whether a retraining course could secure them a job at an IT helpdesk.
Nikki Hollis, who died eight months ago after trapping her head in an industrial steam press and is currently employed as a surly, useless bitch in B&Q, feels the zombie work scheme has given her a whole new outlook.
She said: "I dont know where the shelf brackets are, ask someone else. Oh and by the way, BRAAAAAAIIIINS!"

Hampstead ganja dealers desolate as George Michael goes to jail

London - (High Times): The North London weed dealing economy is facing penury as top Hampstead toker George Michael heads for HMP Wormwood Scrubs tonight.
The singer got eight weeks for pranging his motor in Hampstead High Street in a combustible tragedy blamed by some on a bit of dodgy skunk.
Local Green Party herbalist Skanky Dave sobbed as Michael, 69, was lead away in shackles to start a 28 day detox.
"Mah best customa! How will I feed the babes back home now?" Skanky cried as the cuffs were slapped on Michael's wrists.
The singer will serve four weeks in the Scrubs' dopers wing followed by a month on licence.
A SatNav-enabled ankle bracelet and remote-controlled cannabis detector will be fitted during the parole stage and may be reinstated at any given moment if he breaks a five year driving ban imposed today.
Highbury Corner Magistrates Court heard how Michael wrote off his 'ninth or tenth' SUV while driving under the influence.
Judge Perkins also fined Michael £1,250 - "about the same as a day's recreational skunk use" - and banned him from charging up prison inmates' rechargable cannabis patches (similar to nicotine patches used by wannabe cigarette quitters) by letting them be placed on his arm.

Hidden Accounts find UK deficit

Auditors representing Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom and its Colonies (PLC) have released a statement overnight saying that they believe that they have found a substantial part of the UK economy deficit after forcing a number of online companies to reveal transactions.

The statement from Royal Auditors Ltd shows that a number of large transactions were found, including 1 for £2.5million by a Mr Nodrog Pink to WorldLeaderPoker.web which were opened by somebody using the email address nodrog@number10.gov.

Over the course of 12 months, some £3billion pounds was depositied and wagered in online poker games against players with names such as "CavemanAfghan", "RedSqMisl", and "ObamDaPres" with much of it being lost in the first half of 2010 until it abruptly stopped in the early hours on 07 May 2010. The biggest win that was found was by a North Korean player who took a pot of some £4.5billion on a hand of a game called Nuke Stike Poker which from what we can tell involves lots of posing, and verbal betting with no action going on until someone claims to have pressed "The Red Button".

When challenged the Government Press Office, commented that "anyone can have a Number10.gov e-mail address if they ask, so we can not prove that this came from inside Downing Street. When we asked the Chancellors office who had access to the UK Governments bank accounts, widely suspected of being in a Post Office Basic Bank Account (due to Experian giving the government a "Poor" credit rating), the Press Office commented: "Only the Chancellor and the Prime Minister can make online payments from the Government bank account."

So that narrows it down to two then.

Everyone will get A stars in A levels from now

The Government decided that the old system, whereby some students got Bs, Cs, Ds and ever less, was unfair, since it discriminates against candidates according to how clever they are, which is contrary to the Human Rights Act. Under the new system, everyone will get an A star.
In fact, A stars will also be awarded to people who didn't sit any A level examinations, since it would be wrong to exclude them for geographic, age-related or any other reason.
The news was warmly received across the country. One 78 year old man said "Now I can finally get some school exam results. This will make up for the 40 years I spent down 'pit, which fortunately ended when Maggie Thatcher closed 'pit."
Students and employers were less enthusiastic, though. One 18 year old girl who studied really hard said "Why should stupid or lazy people get the same result as me?"
The Government is thinking of abolishing Bs, Cs, Ds and lower grades in other exams as well. A spokesman said "It will be much easier if everyone gets the same result. Think how much money we can save if we don't have to mark these tests?"

Record A Level Results Announced

Remarkable results this year for A level results as 100% of papers were awarded A* grades.
Speaking on behalf of the Department for Education Mr C Dick said "All this nonsense about papers getting easier is very frustrating. These exams are really really hard and I defy anyone to say otherwise."
Examples of this year's questions are as follows:
Science:
Which of these is not a vegetable:
A: Potato B: Cucumber C: Lettuce D: Burger
Spell hydrogen (without looking at the way we've spelt it)
A: Hdrogen B: Hydrogen C: Dryogenh D: Ydrogen
Maths:
You have two apples, I take away one of them - what should I have:
A: One apple B: Four bananas. C: A bicycle D: A criminal record for theft.
When asked whether he felt the questions were easier than 20 years ago Mr Dick said "I think these questions are just as difficult to be honest. I only got 97% in one of them. That question about the apples really threw me."Mr Dick was last seen trying to work out how to open the door to his office.

TORY TAX CUT FUNDED BY LOW INCOME CHILD AUCTION

THE Conservatives have pledged to reverse Labour's national insurance hike by selling no more than 1.5m of Britain's least important children.
The tax cut-child auction will form part of the Tories' campaign to reduce the budget deficit and will also be imaginatively cruel.
Under the bold plans children from households with an income of less than £22,500 a year will be offered for sale via a series of online auctions, email newsletters and live events at some of Britain's biggest race courses.
Labour immediately attacked the policy, but leading economists stressed it will be difficult for any party to cut the deficit over the next four years without some sort of massive child sale.
Mr Osborne said: "Many of these children are pointless, dirty and rude. Nevertheless they do posses an underlying asset value that any responsible chancellor faced with historic levels of debt would be duty bound to exploit.
"And bear in mind, an increasing number of them are unbelievably fat, making them particularly attractive to foreign circus owners and Cambodian sweatshops keen to control their food-related overheads.
"We can say to these entrepreneurs 'look, it has good hands, sturdy legs and you won't need to give it a chocolate biscuit until Christmas'."
The policy is designed to appeal to middle income parents who are short of cash and have children that may one day be able to work for John Lewis or the customer services department of a UK-based telecommunications company.
Meanwhile, early bidders for Britain's army of under-performing youngsters are expected to include the Roman Catholic Church, the Nanjing Iron Ore Refinery and Kentucky Fried Children.

NEW SUPERBUG IS FOREIGN AS WELL

THE deadly new superbug that is going kill you by Friday is not even British, it emerged last night.
It even looks foreign Experts say NDM-1 is from Pakistan or India or one of those hot places where people live piled on top each other and share the same piece of lavatory paper for a month.
According to medical journal The Lancet the bug found its way into British hospitals via UK residents who had gone to India for medical treatment as part of a growing trend.
In a report that is already being photocopied by skinheads in Deptford, researchers said the foreign bug 'invades' host bacteria shortly after getting off a plane from Delhi or Islamabad.
Professor Julian Cook said: "There have only been 50 cases so far in the UK which means the country will be nothing more than a giant pile of rapidly decomposing flesh by two o'clock this afternoon."
Meanwhile Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre, frustrated by the total indifference to his cloned cow horseshit avalanche, is said to be running round the office like a toddler who has just been given a puppy that shits Milky Ways and ice cream.
Helen Archer, some bloody woman from Doncaster, said: "I'm so relieved it's from Pakistan. My theory that they were all terrorists was starting to wear a bit thin, but now a scientist says they're going to kill me with their bugs. I'm bullet proof."
Tom Logan, a dick and two arms from Peterborough, said: "Can I just ask - who in their right mind is going to India for an operation? Is there really that many people who would actively prefer to have their chest cut open in a country that still has typhoid?"
And Nikki Hollis, an empty space from Grantham, said: "Apparently India is a big centre for cosmetic surgery. Instead of a tummy tuck they inject some of the local cholera straight into your lower intestine and then you just shit yourself thin by the weekend. I'm very interested."
Logan added: "I also heard on the radio that NDM-1 can only be treated with one or two types of antibiotics. "So maybe those are the ones they should use."

Kerry Katona gives birth to giant McNugget

An odd scene met the Warrington community yesterday, as one Kerry Katona of Atomic Kitten and 'inebriated mother of the year' fame gave birth to a humungous Chicken McNugget in a Juicy Couture store in the towns high street.

One resident, a Mr Speck of local haberdashery fame, was heard saying: "I cant say i'm particularly surprised, it is a famous old wives tale that if one consumes nothing but happy meals and Cocaine, one will give birth to a giant McNugget."

Dr Simpson, who was on hand to help deliver the savoury surprise, described Mr Speck's diagnosis as "bollocks" and instead stated the incident was a likely caused by "sex with the Hamburglar and/or Ronald McDonald".

Both the Hamburglar and Ronald McDonald have been connected with Ms Katona in the past, but neither were available for comment.

A source stated Ms Katona was "over the moon" with the hearty bundle of poultry joy, however refused to comment on the snacks' father.

 

CAMERON BEGINNING TO REALISE EXACTLY WHO HE'S IN CHARGE OF

PRIME minister David Cameron was on the brink of resignation last night after finally realising what British people are actually like.
Downing Street insiders said that since learning of the Facebook tributes to idiot murderer Raoul Moat, Mr Cameron has become increasingly depressed and has talked about taking up watercolour painting and moving to Umbria.
A source said: "As prime minister it's his ultimate responsibility to protect the British people from external and internal threats, but in the last few days he's realised that he doesn't want to.
"We were in a meeting the other day and he was very subdued and just kept staring out of the window until eventually he said, 'is it just me, or are NHS survival rates far too high?'.
"He then started sketching out this plan to radically reform it so that it gets much better at killing people. Especially people with blogs."
A senior cabinet minister added: "What he absolutely must not do is go onto Facebook, the Guardian or the Daily Mail and start reading through the comments.
"If he does then there's every chance he will try to steal a nuclear submarine and give it to Iran. It'll be a bit like Hunt for Red October except that it ends with a load of warheads pointed at 60 million twats."

Constitutional historian, Denys Finch-Hatton, said: "I have always believed that the defence of the realm can only be guaranteed if the prime minster does not interact with ordinary people under any circumstances.
"Because if they do, they invariably walk away from the encounter thinking, 'I hope that person dies incredibly soon'."
But Nathan Muir, an utter dick from Peterborough, said: "It's his own fault. If he wants to be in charge of me then he has to accept me for what I am - which is unspeakable.
"Now if you'll excuse me I have to finish my 'Raoul Forever' collage and update my 'Get Well Soon Cheryl' Facebook page."

 

APPLE FORGOT TO HOLD iPHONE BEFORE PUTTING IT IN THE SHOPS

APPLE has admitted it forgot to check its new mobile phone worked before shipping millions of them to stores around the globe.

The company has advised owners of the new iPhone4 that the device should function normally as long as they do not try to hold it with their hands.

A spokesman said: "Holding it with your feet should be okay as long as you're wearing Jesus sandals or flippers.
"But to get the most from your new iPhone you really need to fashion a holding device made from a coathanger, a Kraft cheese single and a fish slice.
"This should allow you to get the phone to within about 18 inches of your chin. You can then operate the touchpad with an easy-to-use jumbo pencil, or maybe a chopstick."

The spokesman said pictorial instructions for making the fish slice contraption are now available from the Apple Store for £59.99.
Meanwhile insiders said that this would have to be absolutely the last time Apple issued a product without anyone in the company actually picking one of them up and switching it on.
A source at Apple's Cupertino headquarters said: "When something looks that nice the idea of checking to make sure it works seems a bit rude. It would be like asking Sienna Miller the capital of Ecuador."

Nathan Muir, an iPhone owner, said: "This is not my first mobile phone. In fact I bought my first one in October 1998 and in less than a fortnight I had worked out how to hold it properly. But I have always been really good with technology.

"Over the years Steve Jobs has managed to come up with so many colourful and imaginative ways of saying he's made a cock-up, but I think 'you're holding it wrong' is my new favourite."

 

EMERGENCY FRIED BREAKFASTS DROPPED ON GREECE

AID organisations are parachuting emergency fried breakfasts into Greece after a tour operator's collapse left thousands of Britons stranded without proper bacon.
The demise of holiday firm Goldtrail left 16,000 UK tourists stuck in Greece and Turkey with the vast majority already having had quite enough of foreign food by that point, thank you very much.
Charities said the pretend breakfasts provided by the hotels consisted of little more than cereal and yoghurt served buffet-style with some funny looking bread, a slice of cheese and a selection of weirdly-flavoured jams.
Trapped tourist, Bill McKay, said: "Having already eaten the saltiest parts of my own right arm, I had been considering the nuclear option of foreign bacon.
"They call it bacon but it's not really. I mean you can call a tiger a horse but that doesn't mean you could safely jump on its back and ride it over a hedge."
The emergency fried breakfasts included two rashers of smoked bacon, two eggs, beans, fried bread, mushrooms and a sausage of above-school dinner quality.
A spokesman for UK relief charity, InstaAid, said: "The operation has been a success despite one serious injury involving a Hercules transporter, a goatherd and a wayward black pudding."
Stranded mother-of-two, Donna Sheridan, said: "These breakfasts have been a godsend. I was glad to see the sausages weren't the really cheap ones that are slightly grey and have a sort of foreskin.
"I think next year we'll probably just ruin other people's holidays in the UK."

Queen wipes Osbourne at Poker

The queen has sensationally won a game of poker against the treasury that is set to cost the taxpayer an eye-watering £1 billion pounds.
So desperate is the new government to raise money that George Osbourne invited her majesty to No11 for a 'cordial' game of cards in the hope of topping up government coffers, but failed to anticipate the monarch's savvy hustling skills.
Things started in the normal fashion with a one 'guinea' blind which had been the tradition since 1812 but ended in Osbourne betting the keys to the MoD, Home Office and Foreign Office and then losing.
So what happened?
Osbourne started with 8 and 10 of hearts, QE2 2 sixes. 'The flop' was a teasing 2, 3 and 7 of hearts. Osbourne up'ed the stakes to £100,000,000 for the home office and the queen duly matched - asking that a dozen 'old masters' be brought to the table - meanwhile requesting some sunglasses, chewing tobacco and a spit bowl.
The 'turn' card was a 6 of spades. With his 'flush' in the bag, the chancellor went for broke - adding the MoD in the pot. The Queen with equally deep pockets calmly added the deeds to Australia.
And so it was 'to the river card'. In a haze of smoke and tension, down it dropped - yet another 6. The Lord of the Dominions stayed calm, even with her '4 or a kind' she sipped her gin and dubonnet. But Osbourne had to make a play, handing over the foreign office in the process. Sadly for the taxpayer - the rest is history.
The following morning Osbourne, still clothed on his bathroom floor, called Mervyn King - "HMQ has the keys to most of Whitehall but she doesn't want any of it. Can you courier £1 billion to SW1A 1AA and let everyone in please? Sorry, I won't ask again."

NHS HOSPITALS 'BETTER THAN BEING HOMELESS', CLAIMS LUNATIC

SPENDING the night in an NHS hospital is better than living on the street, according to Britain's most demented vagrant.
Christopher Dearlove said that NHS wards had the edge over a disused carpet factory teeming with rats and that hospital food is better than scraping something brown and sticky off the side of a wheelie bin.
Mr Dearlove, who has admitted himself fraudulently to six state run hospitals, was yesterday served with an antisocial behaviour order and told to stay well away from the NHS if he knew what was good for him.
Experts now predict that millions of people across Britain will apply for their own healthcare 'asbo' wristband, amid fears they could be knocked unconscious and treated by the NHS by mistake.
Claiming to be a fully qualified 'Jesus Astronaut' with solid gold telescopic legs and a bionic chin, Mr Dearlove added: "I know it must be really difficult for people to get their heads round, but I think what I enjoy most is the sense of danger.
"The thought that every time I am admitted there is a less than 20% chance I will come out of it alive. I suppose I'm a bit like one of those 1950s test pilots, but with dodgy bed linen and a pudding that looks like an aborted calf."
But Julian Cook, a homeless man from north London, said: "The thought of spending the night in an NHS hospital makes me want to throw up the rather tangy, half-eaten tortilla wrap I had for breakfast.
"In my experience the NHS makes being homeless seem like a month at the Savoy. And that's based on nothing more than a couple of minor outpatient treatments and the fact that I used to be head of thoracic surgery at Doncaster Royal Infirmary."
He added: "By the way, this is the bathtub I've been sleeping in for the last six years. As you can see it is completely free from both MRSA and clostridium difficile.
"And I also use it as a toilet."

Superdrug pulls Katie Price perfume

Reality TV star Katie Price's perfume has been pulled from Superdrug's shelves because of "ethical" reasons, according to the high street store. It coincides with another perfume range, Spoof, by Vacherie, also being withdrawn.
That followed a report claiming the fragrances were made 'from the blood, sweat and tears of Indian workers.' And they meant literally.
The report claims that a factory in Mumbai making clothes for a well known low-cost high street fashion store, attaches tubing to their workforce in order to extract the ingredients for the perfume. The workers are paid well, but the working conditions are far from ideal, so the ingredient recovery is very effective.
A spokeswoman for the company said that the ratios of ingredients were naturally adjusted to give the correct 'notes' for each fragrance. "A hot summer produces a muskier scent with a salty tang," she explained, "whereas pinker, coppery-scented themes are associated with temporary holiday workers and an increased industrial accident rate."
Surprisingly, this was enough to prompt several high street stores to withdraw all Spoof perfume on ethical grounds.
The Spoof perfume range consists of two distinct fragrances; Spoof by Night, a dark, exotic scent guaranteed to spice up an evening rendezvous, and Spoof Sportiff, for splashing in your trainers after two hours in the gym.

 

BP Announces New "Harvest Your Own Oil Program"

Marketing director for beleaguered giant oil company BP announced a new "Harvest Your Own Oil" program for US consumers. Newly employed, Mr. Matthews stated that the problem with deep sea oil has previously been that it is "deep down in the sea," but that thanks to BP's recent technological advances, "that is no longer the case."
"Now," he said, "we have lots of surface oil that anyone with two, or even one hand, can harvest themselves." Matthews explained that American consumers are always enthused with "do-it-yourself" projects and other harvesting programs such as "pick-your-own" fruits and vegetables. "Now," he said, "the American consumer can harvest his or her own crude oil."
For just a few dollars a gallon, people can come out with bleach bottles or milk cartons or whatever, and get their own crude. For everyone who has been asking how to help with cleaning up the Gulf oil spill, Mathews explained that this program will do that too. Volunteerism and self sufficiency at the same time. When asked by this reporter if the program "Would be killing two birds with one stone?" Matthews twisted his face in a very uncharitable expression and said "No, not at all, poor choice of words."
A more detailed explanation of the program will be available from corporate shortly and will be released to all news media.

Gordon Brown found in cupboard at No.10

Ex Prime Minister Gordon Brown has been found hiding in a cupboard near the Cabinet Office at No.10 Downing Street.
The discovery was made by cleaning staff shortly after Prime Minister Cameron's historic first Cabinet Meeting of the Liberal-Tory coalition.
Brown is reportedly in a dishevelled state and it was revealed he has been living in the cupboard for the past 48 hours. He has drilled a small hole into the adjoining wall of the Cabinet Office and it seems was able to overhear the full proceedings.
Officials at No. 10 are deciding how he can removed, the difficulty being he is claiming Security of Tenure under the 1976 Housing Act.
A spokesperson for No.10 said "We are unsure of his motives. Brown is being somewhat uncommunicative. There are fist marks on the cupboard walls and we are particularly concerned about his toilet arrangements."

Greece Announces National Holiday After Getting Massive Bailout from EU-UK!

Declaring it a "Zorba the Greek" moment, hundreds of thousands of Greek citizens poured out into the streets to celebrate the announcement that a last minute financial reprieve granted by the International Monetary Fund,(IMF), would enable them to continue their proliferate life style whilst others toiled.
It appears that the Greeks, not known to raise a sweat in labour, but known to perspire heavily after Ouzo bouts and frenzied folk dancing, saw their ironic prophesy come true after they announced "The Rich Must Pay" when it became known that years of cooking the government's books and massive giveaways had finally come to an end and bills were due.
According to IMF officials, Britain's share of the bailout will amount to €900M a year for the foreseeable future as Britain is on the hook for 5% of the IMF's 30Billion Euros funding for "The Greek Connection."
The low interest 'loan', was issued without collateral as there are no assets worth bothering with in Greece since Socialists sold off all assets a long time ago, it is said to be only a temporary reprieve with '10's of BILLIONS" more needed over the next three years.
Hearing the good news, thousands of Greeks poured out of their homes, denuded the remaining Fig trees of their leaves, slaughtered the remaining lambs, and kicked off a massive street party with free government bought stocks of Ouzo and a complimentary Greek Salad.
Posters of Anthony Quinn as "Zorba" appeared magically around the island, as Greeks embraced Zorba's devil may care attitude of living for the moment.
The government, in order to placate 89% of the populace, who work in the public sector, announced 12% raises, a shorter work week, extended vacations to 4 months, and a Costa Rican Health Care plan since the Greeks refused to go to America for treatment after Obama adopted European Health Care Standards.
George Soros, the left leaning financial manipulator who broke the bank in 1992, said " Brits will just have to 'get off their arse, work longer, harder and forego retirement in the near run!"
Soros is said to be in line to profit big time from the bailout, as he 'went short' years ago on Greek Bonds , and is a big supporter of the theory
that "Only when you have nothing, can you be truly happy." Of course Soros is only talking about people other than himself.

Cheryl Cole to post bail in brother's armed robbery arrest

Tyneside - (Smoking Barrel Stuff): Oops! That squeaky clean glamorous sheen of stardom is beginning to look a bit tarnished.
This morning singer Cheryl Cole's errant brother was arrested in a dawn raid on armed robbery charges.
Andrew Tweedy is among five busted following an armed attack on a post office in Longbenton, North Tyneside.
A sawn-off shotgun and a machete were involved as thousands of pounds were snatched by the masked raiders.
Tweedy is being held at a Newcastle police station where worried men in suits are poised to hand over wads of readies if and when Tweedy makes police bail.
The twentynine year-old is no stranger when it comes to the long arm of the law.
He spent his sister's wedding day to Chelsea footballer Ashley Cole behind bars and has a reported bit of previous for drink and drug-related crimes.
Sources close to the Tweedy family say Cheryl and her mum Joan are gobsmacked with shock.

Special Escort Group goes AWOL!

The New British Prime Minister, David Cameron was sensationally left unprotected after the Special Escort Group visited "Rambo's Kebabs" on Bayliss Road in Waterloo for a celebratory snack having got rid of Gordon Brown & his annoying habit of trying to tell them the quickest way to get everywhere.
As Maggie from the control room of the Secret Police station on Lambeth Road tried desperately to contact them they were shoving doner kebabs down their necks & swigging Dr.Pepper!
David & Sam Cameron were said to be fuming after being left to make their own way to Buckingham Palace & Downing Street where they became a mobile tourist attraction in the rush hour traffic. If anyone spots any white BMW motorcycles with a registration plate ending in SEG, please contact the missing persons unit at New Scotland Yard & ask for Superintendent Brian Panzer who's waiting for your call as his Knighthood is riding on it!

Global Warming: Bonuses given to some scientists

Professor Karl Carlton known to his friends as the nutty Professor, has spoken out about the myth of Global Warming. Professor Carlton speaking at a meeting in London today informed the audience that he has discovered that Media people and scientists, are being paid huge bonuses to spread the Global Warming Myth.

The Professor went on to explain how they have managed to manipulate the minds of the people, with the idea of Global warming by repeating it constantly in the news and not allowing any scientists who oppose the idea to speak on television or to newspapers.

The most severe winter for more than 100 years has only been a temporary setback to their agenda,there will be an increase in Global warming indoctrination, because most of the Worlds super powers want to increase taxation on their citizens by making them believe in spending on environmentally friendly products like green cars.

 

Gordon Brown Sells Isle Of Wight To France

New Labour plans to halve the national debt in the weeks running up to the General Election. An insider at No 10 today blew the whistle on Gordon Brown's plan to sell the Isle Of Wight to France for £100 billion, complete with all fixtures and fittings.

Rumours were circulating last night about further plans which include selling the Orkney Islands to Sweden and Buckingham Palace to Roman Obramovich.

But so far there is no confirmation that Argentina has been offered a leasehold deal on The Falkland Islands, nor news of a similar arrangement with Spain for the occupation of Gibraltar.

It is believed that Prime Minister Brown is holding out for as much as he can get.
Meanwhile negotiations with China for the sale of the Crown Jewels have reached an advanced stage.

 

Doctor Who Not A Real Doctor Shock!

The old head of Doctor Who's University has shockingly revealed that the time travelling wonder geek never finished his studies and so is not infact a qualified doctor.

Barry Trent, 96, claims "that fraudster has been getting away with it for long enough. Running around, telling everyone he's going to save the world and how he's a doctor. He never finished anything at university, he struggled to finish his lunch!"
When we caught up with the 'doctor' he merely stated, "that old trout is a madman, don't listen to a word of it! I'm more doctor than Crippin"
There seems to be weight in Mr Trents allegations however, as we can not find any photographs of the doctor in any year books held on record for the university. Nor do any of his class mates remember him being at the passing out ceremony.
The 'doctor' tried telling us that he doesn't show up on photographs, but when we explained that was vampires, he just pushed us over and ran off.
While this reporter does not condone passing oneself off as something you're not, we do agree that 'Who' would not have been a particularly catchy title for a TV show.
And Mr.Who sounds like a race horse.
Or a Chinese gangster.

 

TV presenter invokes the Dunkirk spirit and is stopped by officials

The intrepid TV reporter, Dan Snow, has been sunk at sea by officials. Fortunately, he had no passengers in his rubber dinghies. After setting up a website and Twittering, Mr Snow, was prevented from making any further rubber dinghy round trips between Dover and Calais.
Officials became alarmed that illegal immigrants, were also using rubber dinghies to get into the UK, disguised as genuine UK nationals.
Ferry companies on both sides of the Channel, complained that they were losing fares and questioned whether Mr Snow had the necessary passenger carrying licences. They also reported that their ferries and other huge oil tankers in the Channel were having to take drastic diversionary tactics to avoid drowning the rubber dinghies. Eurotunnel bosses are furious that a maverick should be allowed to poach their business. UK security forces expressed grave concern about the possibility of terrorists entering the UK by dinghy. Mr Snow is drying off at Dover.

Icelandic Ash Claims First UK Victim

On Wednesday, the unpronounceable volcano Eyjafjallajoekull erupted for the first time in over two centuries. The last time it erupted it caused a mini-ice age in Europe that killed tens of thousands; and this time around, it is no less devastating, grounding flights in and out of large swathes of Europe, but mainly Britain, ruining holidays and filling airports with people who believe that planes must use the roads. All of this pales into insignificance when news broke that the volcanic ash cloud claimed it's first UK victim. The ash cloud, containing microscopic particles of glass, rock and strawberry jam has started to descend to ground level across much of the UK. Along the North East coast, it devastated a family in Bishop Auckland.
"It was awful," said Carrie Bagg. "It had been so nice over the past few days, and this has come as a terrible surprise. We just weren't expecting it, and neither was my mother."
Carrie's mother, Hanna Bagg, is widely believed to be the UK's first victim of the ash cloud as Carrie explained.
"My mum had left her washing out over night, what with the unseasonal sun we were experiencing, and when she woke up this morning, it was covered in ash. She's had to wash it all again, and the glass and rock has ruining her washing machine. They didn't warn us about that, did they?" Even worse news for Hanna Bagg, the insurance company have claimed that this is an act of god, and won't pay out.

 

Volcano eruption is a hoax staged in Hollywood studio

The so-called volcanic eruption in Iceland that has led to air travel chaos across Europe is a hoax. We have received a leaked email from the University of East Anywhere's climate change unit that provides conclusive proof that the whole incident was staged at studios in Hollywood.

The UEA scientists were so upset at the allegations that they have made up the issue of climate change that they decided to get their revenge on the sceptics. Apparently, it all started as a joke in the UEA canteen when Nigel (the nerd) Higinbottom said, "Wouldn't it be great if we could get the European airline industry to shut down for a few months? That would upset all those dickheads who like to fly off to the Mediterranean every weekend."

Nigel told his colleagues that a mate of his who worked in Hollywood knew a bloke who worked in a studio there and who was involved in the faking of the Apollo moon landings in the 1970s. His mate had told him that the studios were so desperate for work these days, and with all the new technology, they could fake anything for the price of a few pints of beer and a packet of pork scratchings. Nigel also had a mate who worked for National Air Traffic Control System (NATS). The chap at NATS had told him that they were so paranoid about safety that they would stop flights on the slightest pretence if they thought that there could be an accident and they would be sued. So, a fake story about volcanic ash would be enough to stop all flights.

Nigel Farrage (no relation), leader of UKIP, said, "I am not convinced that it was just a few eggheads in East Anglia who organised this. I suspect that it was that bloke from Luxembourg who claims that he is President of the European Union who is behind all this. It is the sort of thing that these foreigners tend to do because they don't like us."

 

COCAINE 'BETTER VALUE THAN EVER'

AS prices drop to just £2 per line, cocaine has topped a consumer poll as Britain's best-value street drug.
Experts say that with dealers and producers working together to drive down prices, a line of gak is now cheaper than a Starbucks Coffee, and several million times more likely to help you meet cool people.
Tom Logan, street drug analyst at Porter, Pinkney and Turner, said: "Of course the cheaper, low-end, cocaine is more likely to be cut with brick dust or feline erection pills but, like Tesco Basics products, the quality's often better than you'd expect.
"On a moral note, there is still concern about the welfare of drug mules and coca farm labourers, but it's only fleeting concern of the type commonly felt for people living in hot places you'll never visit. Certainly it's not worrying enough to spoil a good night out on the nosebag."
Cocaine dealer Stephen Malley said: "At the end of the day people like coke because it's less fattening than lager and incredibly addictive.
"Plus, unlike the people who sell fruit smoothies, most cocaine dealers have the integrity to treat their customers with little more than thinly-veiled contempt, rather than pretending they're their bestest mates in the world ever and want to cuddle them, just because they've exchanged some money for a thing."
Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford, recently switched from sloe gin to cocaine as her drug of choice.
She said: "I'd always thought of cocaine as only really affordable for special occasions. But its surprising cheapness has allowed me to buy in bulk, dealing directly with a cartel to ensure the best value.
"It is addictive and probably quite bad for you if you have too much. But the same applies to Battenburg cake, and no one seems to freak out about that, do they?"
She added: "Although it is rare that an overindulgence of Battenburg will make me all paranoid and fidgety while jibbering like a muppet."

PHILOSOPHIC QUESTIONS

Ponder these questions when you don't want to think about important stuff!
If you choke a Smurf, what colour does it turn?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair colour do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is
prohibited?
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?
Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your
headlights on, what happens?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If you throw a cat out of the house, does it become kitty litter?
If aspirins are always "Take Two," why not increase the size of ONE?

ANGRY TAXPAYERS DEMAND TUTORIAL FROM LORD ASHCROFT

VOTERS across Britain have expressed outrage at Lord Ashcroft's ability to avoid more tax than them.
The billionaire Tory donor has used his non-domiciled status to lower his tax bill by an estimated £127 million leading to demands he conduct a mass tutorial at Wembley Stadium using short, simple words and an easy-to-follow Powerpoint presentation.
Julian Cook, an economist at Madeley-Finnegan, said: "Lord Ashcroft is one of around 60 million people in Britain who want to pay less tax.
"He does this by hiring an accountant who reduces his tax bill by as much as is legally possible, sends him an invoice and then everyone goes about their day. As you can see it's all incredibly evil."
Based on current UK tax law, Ashcroft has structured his financial arrangements so that his thighs, knees, eyebrows and chin spend at least half the year on a 4000 acre satsuma plantation in Belize while his arms, his torso and the remainder of his face live in a luxurious three bedroom duplex overlooking Hyde Park.
According to his accountants the constituent parts of his body are joined up twice a year in Monaco where they are able to eat a roast chicken, enjoy a glass of Chablis and go to the toilet.
Labour has seized on the revelations, insisting Lord Ashcroft's ability to make vast amounts of money and hang on to as much of it as he possibly can shows the Tories cannot be trusted with the nation's finances.
A spokesman said: "By failing to persuade the Telegraph and the Mail to go on and on and on about all the non-domiciled Labour donors who have done exactly the same thing, David Cameron has shown an appalling lack of judgement."
Meanwhile Nathan Muir, a Guardian reading Labour voter from Highate, insisted: "If I was a multi-millionaire I would pay all my tax at the full rate because I want to help build a fair and equal society where every child has a chance to be all they can be." Julian Cook added: "As an economist the only problem I have with that statement is that it's a massive lie."

TALIBAN TO BE WOOED WITH PROPERTY MAKEOVERS

NATO's latest Afghan strategy aims to wean the Taliban off Islamic fundamentalism and onto obsessing about their living rooms.

In the second phase of Operation Moshtarak British home makeover experts will help insurgents to unlock the potential of their hideouts, giving them a top-quality living environment with enhanced marketability.

Brigadier Julian Cook said: "The key to winning hearts and minds in Helmand lies in showing people a better life is possible via the strategic deployment of downlighters.

"The low standard of interiors in much of the country has created an environment where the people feel they have no option but to use improvised explosives because they haven't got a pleasant lounge in which they can just chill with a decent red and a Groove Armada CD."

Following the push into Taliban strongholds, experts including Linda Barker and Kirstie Allsop will move in with fabric swatches, shabby chic sideboards and, crucially, a selection of great ideas.

A NATO spokesman said: "Amazingly, there is no word in Pashtun for 'buy-to-let', which is probably why they stick to making their money from smack.

"But once the ordinary Taliban fighter has seen Linda transform a dowdy hideout into a 'mocca chocca' lifestyle complex with characterful reclaimed timber shelves and deep natural hues, he will soon be clamouring to maximise the liveability of his property, be it a cave, a trench or a semi-exposed rocky outcrop with a lovely view that's close to a really good abandoned school."

UK BUSINESSMAN WANTED OVER DEATH OF BILLIONAIRE MEGALOMANIAC

A BRITISH businessman has been named as the prime suspect in the death of a billionaire intent on taking over the world.

Hugo Drax, owner of Drax Industries, was killed last Friday when he was ejected from the airlock of his personal space station 120 miles above Holland.
Detectives in Rotterdam, where the charred remains of Mr Drax's torso fell to Earth, say they want to speak to UK sales manager James St John Smythe, though they stressed this may be an alias.

Police captain Johan DeVelt said: "He is about six feet tall, he has light brown hair and speaks in a refined English accent. He actually looks a bit like Roger Moore.
"We believe he uses false passports and fake identities including 'Mr Fisher', 'James Stock' and 'Dr Mikhail Arkov'. And he also has a Lotus Esprit that can go under water."

Captain DeVelt said St John Smythe is often seen in the company of beautiful woman with sexually suggestive names including Holly Goodhead, Pussy Galore and the Taiwanese acrobat U Fook Mi.

The suspect is believed to be the same man who was briefly wanted in connection with the death of a young woman in a Miami hotel who had been covered from head to toe in gold paint. A chubby, red-faced Latvian billionaire and his Japanese henchman were eventually convicted of the crime.

Captain DeVelt added: "We are pretty sure it's the same man, though back then he was a bit taller, had much darker hair and spoke with a Scottish accent. A bit like Sean Connery."

Last night friends of Mr Drax paid tribute insisting he was a kind and decent man whose only flaw was trying to kill everyone on the planet with giant bombs full of deadly bacteria.

KILL THE POOR, SAYS CAMERON

THE Conservatives have pledged to bring in a new law guaranteeing the right to kill poor people, foreigners and socialists.

Party leader David Cameron said too many hard-working, middle-class families were being criminalised just because they want to slaughter everyone who is not exactly the same as them.

Mr Cameron said that if the Tories win the next election they will close a loophole in the current legislation which makes it illegal to murder someone who is either brown, earns less than £35,000 a year or supports secondary picketing.
He added: "The £35,000 rule was imposed on this country by the European Convention on Human Rights. We will introduce a bill reinstating the ancient right, enshrined in Magna Carta, to dispose of the disproportionately ghastly."
A party spokesman explained how the legislation would work: "If you come across a poor person you don't like very much - perhaps they smell of cheap meat, or mispronounce 'Val d'Isère' - then you'll be able to thrust an axe into the middle of their chest or whack them on the back of the head with a nice, heavy Le Creuset griddle pan.

"Then all you need to do is bundle them into the boot of your car, drag them into your house, slip some old tights on their head and leave them sprawled across the rug as if you happened upon them in the middle of the night while they were rifling through your grandmother's cutlery decanter."
He added: "A nice touch may be to force a valuable necklace or a solid silver candlestick into one of their stiff, chubby, unwashed little hands."
The party has also promised to make the new law retrospective so that Douglas Hogg can finally get round to dredging his moat.

 

ENORMOUS AMERICANS EAT JAMIE OLIVER

 

OBESE Americans last night rejected Jamie Oliver's latest healthy food campaign by deep frying him in hog fat and eating his head.

The chef was lecturing parents in Huntingdon, West Virginia, about the benefits of giving their children healthier food, ideally from Sainsbury's, when the group were overwhelmed by a sudden lust for flesh.

Welder Tom Logan said: "It was that big ol' tongue what done got ma juices flowin'. You could see that it was all good eatin' meat - no gristle.

"Fore I knew it I was dribblin' like a hound in a chitlin factory. Then I caught Randall Hobbs's eye an I knew he was thinkin' the same." Mr Hobbs added: "Yessireebob, I done ate his feet!"

As Jamie launched into a demonstration of how to prepare asparagus fettucine, locals surged onto the stage and started biting the fleshy parts of his face and body.

Amid the commotion local sheriff Stephen Malley fired his pistol into the air, ordering the attackers to cease until a suitable grill could be found.

He said: "It was nearly a damn waste, to eat an animal as good an' plump as that without proper cookin', seasonin' and a nice helping o' Grandma Logan's potater salad. We takes pride in our food 'round these parts."

A Channel 4 spokesman said: "Jamie and his production team went out to film a cookery show but like so many documentaries filmed in West Virginia, it quickly descended into a load of fat people eating a fat-tongued stranger."

The Town that Ate Jamie Oliver is on More4 this Friday at 8pm.

 

BROWN TO APPEAR IN HILARIOUS RECESSION VIDEO

GORDON Brown has begun his political fightback by appearing in a hilarious video about Britain's economic collapse.

Produced by the Number 10 comedy video unit, the film features the prime minister in a series of madcap, recession-based skits.

The film opens with Mr Brown knocking on the door of mortgage defaulters Tim and Sue Hayes and telling them they have '48 hours to get the hell out'.
But he soon breaks into a giggle and puts his arm around Mr Hayes saying: "No, I'm just kidding - you've got 36 hours!"
His smile disappears suddenly as he adds: "Seriously, start packing."
The prime minister is also seen wandering around a branch of Waitrose near Chequers, his country mansion, filling his trolley with fancy French cakes and three cases of Veuve Cliquot champagne.
He then tells the scowling check-out girl, "cheer-up, I'm putting it on expenses", adding, "you don't mind paying for all this, do you?" before throwing his head back and cackling loudly.

He is later seen filling up the prime ministerial Jaguar, and as the cost rises above £100, he looks into the camera with his comedy 'shocked' face and says: "Flippin' 'eck guv'nor, the old petrol's a bit pricey aint it?"

The film ends with the prime minister sitting by the fire at Chequers, sipping champagne and giggling to himself, as he sniffs at the cakes and then throws them in the bin.

 

FAT PEOPLE SQUASHING NHS EQUIPMENT

THE NHS is in imminent danger of collapse because skilled staff and vital equipment are being squashed flat by obese people, a new report warns.
Almost 400 doctors and more than 1,000 nurses have died already this year after becoming trapped under giant people demanding treatment for fat related ailments such as heavy sweating.
One entire hospital disappeared into a giant hole earlier this week after an obese family of four were admitted at the same time complaining that their fridge was empty when the building was already overburdened with giant patients.
Sir Derek Wanless, the author of the report, said there was not a single functioning chair left in a hospital or doctor's waiting room because all had buckled under the weight of enormous patients.
He said: “Our only hope now is that these huge bastards become so fat that they cannot get in through the doors of our hospitals and surgeries and so will die in the street like dogs. Otherwise we are buggered.”
Sir Derek said the best possible outcome for the NHS was that most people became so fat they imploded under their own weight leaving a jellied mess on the floor which could easily be swept into the gutters.
Until then he suggested a number of emergency proposals to cope with the current crisis including:
All fat people to stand all the time when on NHS property to prevent them destroying any new chairs or beds.
All fat people attending hospital to stay in the basement and stand in balanced groups to prevent any sudden movement by one of them from tipping a building onto its side.
Every hospital in Britain to be covered in bubble wrap to prevent further accidental damage from collisions with enormous people.
Fat people to be banned from using ambulances to prevent axle damage.
Sir Derek said: “We are going to make the bastards walk to get their treatments, they will lose some weight on the way or expire on the journey. Either way it’s a win-win situation for the NHS.”

BRITAIN DECIDING WHICH SOUVENIR TO HURL AT BROWN

BRITAIN was last night pondering which model of a famous building it would throw at Gordon Brown's head.

Families across the country became embroiled in heated arguments over the best historical souvenir for knocking the prime minster's teeth out, as experts stressed that if you wanted to leave Mr Brown with stitches you should really use a tiny cathedral.

Roy Hobbs, from Doncaster, said: "We were in Stratford back in June and I picked up this lovely, detailed model of Anne Hathaway's cottage. It's got three little chimney stacks and it's good and heavy."

But his wife Jill insisted: "Anne Hathaway's cottage is bullshit. You want something with lots of spikes and knobbly bits. What about York Minster sellotaped to a brick?"
Tom Logan, a mental patient from Hatfield, said: "I once threw a Royal Albert Hall paperweight at Jamie Oliver. It left a beautifully symmetrical dent in the middle of his forehead and temporarily cured his lisp.

"But if I was hurling something at the prime minister I'd probably go for an Edinburgh Castle or a Forth Rail Bridge on the basis that he would find them reassuringly familiar and would then forget to duck."

Mr Brown's Special Branch protection officers are now expected to receive additional training in how to throw themselves in front of miniature versions of some of Britain's most treasured architecture travelling at up to 40 miles per hour.

Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Surrey, added: "I'd really like to throw the Royal Yacht Britannia at Harriet Harman, though I suspect I'd need an absolutely enormous crane."

 

LONDON SACRIFICES VIRGINS AFTER CENTIMETRE OF SNOW

SOCIAL order crumbled and mass executions of sacrificial virgins were ordered as over a centimetre of snow fell in some parts of London today.
As temperatures plummeted mayor Boris Johnson abandoned snowbound boroughs and told them to fend for themselves and eat each other if necessary.
Johnson said: "We can't save the people of Putney now, we can only pray that the gods spare them. All we can do is hope the blood of 100 virgins appeases the snow sprites and makes the roads usable once more."
Many famous London landmarks, including the National Gallery and Madam Tussaud's are currently ablaze as locals try to ward off the white terror.
London cabbie Charlie Reeves said: "It's a bleedin' shame all them Rembrandts had to go up but that weird white stuff has gorn away now, so maybe Jack Sleet hates Dutch Golden Age art? I blame the Polish comin' over here and bringing it wiv them, meself.
He added: "Mind you, Tussaud's has gone up a treat. It’s like a giant candle made out of corpses. Luverly."
This evening will see the sacrificial virgins pushed off the top of Nelson's Column into a blazing pit of Monets followed by a carol service by the Westminster choir. The ceremony has not been conducted since 1751, when half of London died as several ponds froze over for three days.
Boris Johnson added: "We can only assume we have angered Old Flaky in some way, possibly with our plans to extend the Congestion Zone. I've commissioned a think tank to look into alternative methods of snow god appeasement, such as public stoning of Ken Livingstone or making the Queen dance erotically on the roof of Buckingham Palace."
Martin Bishop, a Carlisle-born builder working in London, said: "They're like this all the time, you know. You should have seen my neighbours when some of their roof tiles blew off last winter. You couldn't move for slaughtered chickens in our cul de sac."

DRINKERS KEEP FAITH WITH BULLSHIT HANGOVER CURES

MOST people still cling to the belief that you can drink four bottles of cheap red wine and feel fine the next day if you have a special magic breakfast, according to a new survey.

Despite every conceivable shred of evidence to the contrary, 62% of respondents said they persist with eating a bowl of tomato soup that has been breathed on by a badger, forcing camomile tea up their nose with a stirrup pump or rubbing a elderly chimp's belly in an anti-clockwise direction.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "If you throw a litre or two of recreational poison down your neck before staggering home via a spaniel-in-pitta-bread vendor and falling asleep in the airing cupboard with your trousers on, you are going to feel unwell the next day.
"That's how it is and a pint of egg white is not going to save you, nor is the pile of unmitigated bull's faeces your cousin's wife's friend read in the Sunday Times style section."
But Stephen Malley, author of 100,000 Miracle Hangover Cures That Cannot Fail, said: "The efficacy of my methods is not based on any genuine medicinal evidence but rather on their being sufficiently unpleasant to divert one's attention from the fact that your cranium feels like its been scraped out with a broken bottle dipped in battery acid.
"'My personal favourite after a heavy night on the pop is to stab myself in the eye with a rusty fork. The hangover soon finds itself hopelessly overshadowed by the onset of major haemorrhaging."
Drinker Donna Sheridan said: "After my usual quart of Kahlua followed by four litres of Lambrini consumed through a dirty traffic cone and a chaser of unprotected sex, I like to bathe in seaweed with a piece of liver under each armpit.

"I'm not sure if it makes any difference, but it's a bit like my attitude to witches. I don't really believe in them but I'm still a bit scared of them. Does that make sense?"

 

CHILD ANVIL INJURIES AT RECORD HIGH

VIOLENCE in cartoons is causing children to drop massive anvils on each others' heads, stockpile TNT or mess around with huge magnets, a new report has warned.

The study also recommends the Acme corporation withdraws a number of products from sale immediately, including its big round black bombs with BOMB written on them and long rope fuses that go out a lot.
Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Our research shows a worrying increase in children trying to ambush each other with elaborate traps involving boulders, detonators and seige catapults.

"These invariably backfire, leaving the children with concertina-ed bodies, singed fur or squashed flat as a pancake for a few seconds before they scuttle off on their now-stunted legs, which make a strange tinkly sound."
Additionally, parents' groups have recommended that cartoon violence be more realistic to deter children from emulating talking animals.

A spokesperson for Parents Against Bad Things said: "When Wile E Coyote's 'Instant Leg Muscle Vitamins' give him enormous lower limb trength and he powers straight off a high ledge into a ravine, he returns unscathed in the following scene.
"Surely we should see his broken, bloodied body at the bottom of the cliff, twitching slightly as the life ebbs out of it? It's vital that children learn about the perils of gravity and the consequences of Instant Leg Muscle vitamin abuse."

A spokesperson for the Federation of Haunted Castle Caretakers said it supported the campaign for greater realism in cartoons: "Our members should be able to go about their work without being labelled 'skull-faced phantoms' by groups of pesky kids and their anthropomorphic canine companions."
He added: "Not that it's interfering with our dastardly plans or anything."

OAPS DECIDE NOT TO GIVE PENSIONER-PC A CHANCE

PENSIONERS have declared that they don't like a new PC designed for them, despite it not being released yet.

Easy-PC is a new computer offering simplified functions designed to make it easier for senior citizens to complain about Pakistanis.

But despite the manufacturers bending over backwards, pensioners have decided collectively that they don't like it, never will like it, and if anyone tries to give them one for Christmas they will throw it straight in the bin with all the other rubbish, which is exactly where it belongs.

Dennis Fynch-Hatton, 83, said: "I hate it. The people who make this tripe, whatever it is, should be taken out in the street and shot, and their bodies left to be picked clean by rooks.

"I've never owned a computer, but if I had, then the one I had before would definitely have been better than this one, and whatever the old one had been like, that'd be what I'd want."

He added: "If anyone comes near me with one of these computers I shall disengage my colostomy bag and squirt its contents all over them with a loud 'tally-ho'. Computers? What did you say? Leave me alone."

Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford, said: "During the war, I had ever such a lovely PC. It was made of good strong Hampshire Bakelite - by white people - and it had pedals.

"You don't get better than that, and if any strange man or relative tries to give me one of these Easy-PCs I shall shout 'rape' and do everything I can to ruin their lives.'

A spokesperson for Easy-PC said: "We're starting to wish we hadn't bothered."

BROWN VOWS TO END Wii POSTCODE LOTTERY

GORDON Brown has taken personal charge of the escalating Nintendo Wii crisis which could force millions of British children to play outdoors with real friends this Christmas.

Mr Brown last night dramatically quit his own game of The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess to chair a meeting of the Cobra emergency committee, even though he was already in the mine under Death Mountain and well on his way to Fire Temple.

It is the first time a British prime minister has intervened in a toy crisis since 1985, when Margaret Thatcher fought a year-long battle with Arthur Scargill to ensure no child went without a Transformer on Christmas Day.

Mr Brown pledged his government would use all of its special powers to defeat the evil forces ranged against it so that even poor children could point an electric stick at the television.

He said: “As a young boy growing up in Scotland I saw the social divide that is caused by gift inequalities.

“I saw rich children on spacehoppers bounce repeatedly on poor children. I saw one boy bounced on so bad his Clackers split in two.”

But anti-Wii campaigners are urging parents to throw their children into the street.

Denys Hatton, of Wii Concern, said: “You could shell out the best part of £200 so your children can play virtual tennis while pointing a stick at the telly. Or you could just buy them A TENNIS RACQUET.”

 

 

JOHNSON AND WINDSOR IN WIG SHARING DEAL

LONDON mayor Boris Johnson has entered into an historic wig-sharing agreement with Eastenders actress Barbara Windsor.
Under the deal the pair will share wigs in the event of fire, flooding or theft in a bid to ensure that at least one of London's two most unbearable icons is always available for public viewing.

The move follows Johnson's incredibly tedious appearance on the popular soap opera, during which he ordered a pint of bitter without trying to have sex with anyone.
A spokesman for the mayor said: "Boris really wanted to do a story line where he had sex in a cupboard with one of the young, blond actresses, preferably the one with the plastic nose.

"But we eventually agreed a compromise where he did a scene with Barbara Windsor while imagining he was having sex in a cupboard with the Barbara Windsor from Carry On Doctor."
Meanwhile the BBC has rejected accusations of political bias from former mayor Ken Livingstone, reminding the Labour politician that the election was two years ago and he was soundly beaten by his worst nightmare.
Livingstone said: "When I was mayor I wanted them to do a story about how the US government should drop its economic sanctions against Cuba in exchange for Castro repealing laws which discriminate against homosexuals.

"But they said it would not have rung true as Ricky and Bianca both felt Castro had betrayed the founding principles of the people's revolution and would therefore have dismissed the idea out of hand."
A corporation spokesman insisted: "Allowing Ken Livingstone to appear on Eastenders would have breached the BBC's guidelines on allowing Ken Livingstone to appear in Eastenders.

 

HALF A MILLION BENEFIT CHEATS THROW THEMSELVES DOWN THE STAIRS

A CONSERVATIVE plan to cut the number of people on incapacity benefit was in tatters today as 500,000 people threw themselves down a staircase.
Across Britain council houses and tower blocks echoed to the tell-tale thump of work-shy layabouts hurling themselves towards a guaranteed £25 a week.
Under the Tory plan all those who are deemed fit for work will have their benefits cut and be forced to look for jobs that currently exist only in the mind of Norman Tebbit.
Private training firms will assess all 2.6 million people on incapacity benefit to see what work they might be able to do, which experts say will most likely be assessing people on incapacity benefit to see what work they might be able to do.
Tom Logan, of the London School of Economics said: "By 2014 we should be in a situation where half the country will be assessing the employment capabilities of the other half until they get bored and throw themselves down some stairs.
"They will then join the queue for assessment and will eventually be employed assessing people who have recently thrown themselves down some stairs. And so on."
Tory leader David Cameron denied the move was a return to the harsh Thatcherite policies of the 1980s, adding: "I will personally ram a knitting needle into the thighs of all those who claim they are unfit for honest labour.
"Any scoundrel that lets out a shriek will have the gin bottle snatched from his grasp before being manhandled into the back of a cart and dumped outside the gates of his local cotton mill, bobbin factory or call centre.
"The wretch will then be forced into an upright position where he will learn the virtues of toil and the base immorality of screen breaks.
"If they apply themselves and refrain from griping, then perhaps they will rise to the rank of tradesman and one day may even be in a position to ask me how much money I have."

CHILDREN SHOULD BE RAISED IN THE 1950s, SAY EXPERTS

BRITISH children will be much healthier as soon as they start being raised in the 1950s, according to a new study.

The Institute for Child Health said modern child rearing had failed and called for all British children under the age of 16 to be sent back to 1953 where they could spend their days eating ripe Dorset peaches and running alongside steam trains.

The study found children are healthier if they are brought up by a mother who wears a starched white pinafore, knows how to bake a pie and organises tasty food parcels for our brave boys in Aden.

A spokesman said: "The early 1950s is now the optimum environment for successful child rearing thanks to an abundance of skipping ropes and fresh cabbage and the welcome absence of a certain Mr Cliff Richard.

"And of course, children can enjoy a healthy diet and a rigorous exercise programme secure in the knowledge that their mother will not be going out to work everyday like a common prostitute."

He added: "If we hurry we can send them back just in time for the Coronation."

Mrs Margaret Gerving, a mother of two speaking from 1953, backed the study, adding: "While I do not agree with the having of opinions I must admit to being puzzled as to how these women find the time to be typists and telephonists and what have you.

"After a full day of baking, roasting and boiling I have barely enough energy left to be taken roughly from behind by my darling Trevor.

"Now, enough of politics, who would like a nice piece of my raspberry tinkle?"

 

SCOTS DEMAND HUGE INCREASE IN GLOBAL WARMING

A MAJORITY of Scots are backing a total reliance on fossil fuels in a bid to deliver up to three months of t-shirt weather every year.

According to research by Dundee University, most Scots believe they have been let down by the first phase of global warming and want environmental groups like Greenpeace to, "shut their holes".

More than 70% would like to see wind farms demolished and replaced by gigantic machines that do nothing but emit carbon dioxide and methane, while 65% are calling for a moratorium on trees.
The survey also found a large majority want the Scottish Executive to stop investing in wave power and instead use the money to buy everyone a Range Rover.
Climatologist Bill McKay said: "It seems most Scots would happily accept rising sea levels, crop failures and forest fires if it meant a summer that lasted for more than 12 hours."

He added: "There are a number of things you can do such as washing your clothes three or four times a day or using 'mute' instead of the 'off' button on your TV.

"You may also want to picket railway stations or throw manure at people who use the bus."

FAT GIRLS HAVING BEST DAY EVER

FAT girls are having the best day ever after a scientist said all the skinny girls were going to die first.

Across Britain big women cracked opened fresh tubs of ice cream as new research found that people with giant thighs are somehow healthier than people without giant thighs.

Emma Bradford, 18-stone of girlmeat from Doncaster, said: "You may have skinny little legs Nikki Hollis, but in 20 years time you'll be dead and I'll be the one bouncing up and down on your boyfriend until he bursts.

"I'll be thinking of you as my giant thighs almost smother his grinning face. Then I'll put on my massive pants and make him a big, sexy breakfast of sausages and pies."

Emma warned that acquiring a healthy set of thighs takes a lot of hard work and would not happen overnight, but advised would-be thigh perfectionists to start with a box-set of One Tree Hill and an enormous amount of Pringles.

The thigh boost comes just 24 hours after a magazine published a naked photograph of an attractive woman with at least two chins and a belly.

Dr Margaret Gerving, director of the Simply Be Foundation, said: "We have been saying for years that big girls offer much better value for money.

"They live longer, they have stronger personalities, they clean their plate and they can they can take several days to explore."
She added: "Now then, who's up for a chocolate sandwich?"

SCHOOL SUBJECTS TO BE DICKED ABOUT WITH!

BRITAIN'S primary school curriculum is to be radically reformed after ministers realised they hadn't dicked about with it for at least a year.From next year the school day will be split into broad themes including noises, shapes, colours, feelings and relentless political indoctrination.
Educational experts say it is too early to tell whether the system will improve standards of literacy and numeracy, but insist it has given them something to do for a few weeks.
The six new subject areas are:
Noises: Moo. Baa. Grrr. Vroom. Plop. These are all noises. Make three of them before lunch.
Shapes: What shape is a lesbian? Are circles French? What rights does a triangle have? Will also cover the shapes of numbers, although the sound of numbers will be covered in Noises.
Colours: The children will be encouraged to mix blue with yellow and green with orange as a way of understanding contraception and exotic sexual positions.
Feelings and Flavours: Does seven taste of cheese? How do you feel about two plus two? Does spelling make you sad and angry? Let's not do it then.
The Labour Party: Will cover the ideology, evolution and structure of Britain's Natural Party of Government and why the Conservatives want to touch you in the bad place.
Nintendo: Everything else is probably covered by some sort of Nintendo game, so from 10.30am until 3pm each day the children will be given a Wii and left to get on with it while the teachers stand at the back door smoking cigarettes and booking holidays.
The Conservatives last night attacked the proposals and set out their own curriculum, including money, standing up straight, poof-spotting, advanced money and remembering the names of staff.

CHILDREN DON'T LIKE SCHOOL, SAYS REPORT!

CHILDREN don’t like going to school and would prefer not to have to do any work at all, according to a major new study of education in Britain.

Around 60% said they would prefer to play computer games with their friends instead of listening to a man with poor personal hygiene reciting the names of the Kings of England.

The other 40% said they would be happy if they never saw another sum and instead got to sit on the sofa all day watching repeats of Balamory with a a bottle of Tizer and a tube of Pringles “as tall as a house”.

Professor Robin McKay, the report’s author, said: “Children do not like travelling to school, they do not like the work they do at school, they do not like being given homework and they do not like sitting tests. They think all these things should stop right now.

“They are also deeply concerned about global warming, terrorism, the gulf between rich and poor and whether that big fat ginger bastard is going to steal all their crisps at lunchtime again. They think we should stop all those things right now too.”

Eight year-old Paul Bates, said: “I want to live in a castle and have a big sword with magical powers and a dragon I could fly around on and I’d like my friends Rob and Alan to come and live with me although obviously I would be the king and everything and they would just be my slaves. And we would not allow no girls.”

But educationalist Professor Henry Brubaker disputed the report’s findings and cited his research which proved that children should just sit down and shut up for 18 years.
He said: “Tell them to sit down and shut up.”

 

GLOBAL WARMING TO BRING CANNIBALISM TO SOUTH EAST

CLIMATE change will transform the south east of England into a steaming jungle filled with giant snakes and marauding tribes of blood-thirsty cannibals, scientists have predicted.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies have warned that unless carbon emissions are reduced Essex and Kent will resemble the darkest reaches of Amazonia, probably in about 18 months time.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: "First will come the mosquitos. They will be huge, about the size of a crow. Then the giant snakes will arrive to feast on the mosquitos.

"Within months towns including Colchester, Ashford, Gravesend, and possibly even Braintree, will be little more than mangrove swamps. However, local rail services should be unaffected."

He added: "Before long the populations will be reduced to primal savagery. Unable to grow crops on the dark jungle floor they will raid each others settlements with the victors feasting upon the flesh of the vanquished.

"The strongest tribes, driven on by their insatiable lust for human flash, will soon descend upon the slow, fat people of Hampshire."

Meanwhile doctors are warning that fewer old people will die as a result of rising temperatures.

Dr Wayne Hayes, of the British Medical Association, said: "Warmer winters will mean more OAPs I'm afraid."

He added: "If you feel that your local community is being overrun, then it might be an idea to nudge one of them under a bus."

 

SWINE FLU CATCHES CHERIE BLAIR

SWINE flu is on the verge of a hideous and unstoppable mutation after contracting a virulent case of Cherie Blair, scientists have warned.

Experts who had predicted the virus was unlikely to mutate, now say that it definitely will and it is going to be disgusting.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "The Cherie virus will attach itself to the swine flu and suck at it like a big, patronising leech that thinks it's better than you.

"Viewed through a microscope the early form of the the mutant CherSwine virus looks like a spiky ball of pus with the mouth of Ronald McDonald.

"And after just ten minutes on the Petri dish it leapt into my wallet and started pocketing all the fivers."

Research scientists are now working frantically to develop a vaccine using a handful of questionable property deals, a dash of extreme Catholicism and an awful lot of Dettol.

According to Prof Brubaker a virus with the contagiousness of swine flu and the eye-gouging awfulness of Cherie Blair will be 'a bit like the Black Death, if it was obsessed with money and status'.

He added: "Have you seen 28 Days Later? I thought it was rather disappointing actually."

The public have been urged to reduce the risk of infection by avoiding new-age bullshit gurus, £1000 charity lunches and Bargain Books.

 

NEWS OF THE WORLD READERS COULD NOT CARE LESS !!!

NEWS of the World readers have no interest in how the paper gets its celebrity sex stories, as long as it gets them, it was confirmed last night.
As the tabloid faced legal action from celebrities whose phones were tapped and Tory leader David Cameron stood by his beleaguered spin doctor, the paper's readership said its priority would continue to be all the stories about sex.
Tom Logan, a reader from Grantham, said: "I think I would have been disappointed, perhaps even a little bit hurt, if they had not been tapping Gwyneth Paltrow's phone on my behalf.
"To be honest I've never really given much thought to how they get the stories, but I suppose on a sub-conscious level I've always just assumed it involved money and/or breaking the law.
"At least now I know the stories were all true, as if that's ever made the slightest difference. Anyway, I wonder whose been doing all the sex this week?"
Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from York, said: "I had no idea who Andy Coulson was and I've been reading the paper for 35 years. But now I do know I would just like to say thank you very much for all the sex stories."
She added: "In a way I do feel rather sorry for those poor journalists. Poring over transcripts of Gwyneth Paltrow going on and on about AIDS and tofu and Chris Martin crying when he orgasms would have done my frigging nut in."
Publisher Rupert Murdoch said: "I was shocked to discover that I even owned a tabloid newspaper let alone one that uses highly questionable and innovative methods to deliver page after full colour page of stories about celebrity intercourse and all for just £1."
He added: "AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! AH HA HA HA! Ah ha! Ah ha... Ha... "AH HA HA A HA HA HA!"

SWINE FLU SLOWLY CATCHING UP WITH DIARRHOEA AND HICCUPS

THE number of cases of swine flu could catch up with the number of cases of hiccups and diarrhoea, given 10-12 years, doctors have claimed.

As the department of health turned the panic knob back up to seven, GPs said there was a danger that runny tummies and spasmodic diaphragms could eventually be outnumbered if the RAF carpet-bombed all of Britain's major towns and cities with water balloons filled with swine flu round-the-clock, for a fortnight.

A spokesman for the British Medical Association said: "There are currently about three million cases of hiccups, some of them very nasty indeed.

"Meanwhile there are about four million cases of diarrhoea, all of them very nasty indeed.

"There is even a handful of people who have diarrhoea and hiccups, and that's one of the worst combinations you can get. Probably even worse than toothache and plague.

"But where is their leaflet? Where is their TV advert? Where is their desperate, pathetic front page of the Daily Mail?"

The BMA is proposing three large digital counters at Piccadilly Circus in the centre of London to display a running total of Britain's swine flu, diarrhoea and hiccup victims.

The spokesman added: "If at any point the swine flu total overtakes one of the other two you will either shit yourself or be so frightened it will cure your hiccups.

"As for all the swine flu, there's a good chance that I have contracted it and then recovered from it at some point between the beginning and the end of this sentence."

 

NEW EMERGENCY NUMBER FOR HALFWITS

THE department of health last night unveiled a non-emergency alternative to 999 for the thousands of people who call in everyday to say their leg feels funny.
The 111 number, chosen to match the numeracy level of its most likely users, will be manned by professional operatives who will use small words to explain why no-one is going to come to your house because your knee is making that weird clicky noise again.
Martin Bishop, an ambulance dispatcher from Knutsford, said: "It's very simple. If you're well enough to list your symptoms, you don't need an ambulance.
"Call back when you're unconscious, or can see a bright light at the end of a long tunnel."
Officials stress the 111 service is not designed to replace NHS Direct and its key function of keeping you on hold for an hour before telling you to go to your GP.
However the new service will offer a range of ringtones, hangover cures and will even advise on the nearest cock and fanny clinic to your postcode.
If successful, GP provision could be similarly overhauled, with surgeries replaced by a vending machine dispensing tamiflu, anti-depressants and contraceptive pills and a mechanical arm that pats patients on the head while saying 'there, there, that must be awful' in a soothingly robotic voice.
Holly Turnbull, 23, from Carlisle said: "I really hurt my finger yesterday. I would have called an ambulance but I couldn't dial because, like I say, I really hurt my finger."

MPs BEGIN DESPERATE HUNT FOR LOOPHOLES

A NEW system of MPs' allowances was outlined by Gordon Brown last night as shamed members of parliament immediately began scouring it for scams and loopholes.

After 10 days of shocking revelations which have left them chastened but still unbelievably greedy and corrupt, MPs from across the House of Commons brought in specialists to examine the fine print of the new system on a 'no-win, no-fee' basis.
Scam consultant, Julian Cook, said: "Cleaning will now be reclassified as 'secretarial services', so they just have to ask their cleaner to lick a few stamps while she's hoovering the moat.

"They can still claim for computer equipment which means that television sets are now 46-inch, high-definition LCD 'monitors' that just happen to have a built-in Freeview tuner.

"They can't claim for furniture but they can claim for food, so what they'll need to do is place a Kraft cheese single on a vibrating chair and put it through as an open sandwich."

He added: "And of course, with an upper limit of £1,250 a month in mortgage interest payments, they will still be able to buy a house worth at least £300,000 using your money. Ha ha ha - what a bunch of absolute gits."
But officials say the new system will end the controversial practice of 'screwing', where an MP buys a house and then uses it to 'screw' the taxpayer into the middle of next week.

The prime minister was forced to act on a momentous day that saw Britain plunged into a constitutional crisis following the resignation of the old man who shouts at everyone in that big wooden room you see on the news a couple of times a week.

Unveiling the reforms, Mr Brown insisted the House of Commons could no longer operate as a '19th century gentlemen's club' filled with ghastly people like Harriet Harman and Hazel Blears.

 

SACKING JONATHAN ROSS EVEN CHEAPER THAN 40% PAY CUT, SAY LICENCE PAYERS

YOU know what's even cheaper than giving Jonathan Ross a 40% paycut? Sacking the git, licence payers said last night.
As BBC bosses said they would be forced to slash the salaries of some of the corporation's highest paid stars, viewers across the country wanted to know exactly what they were waiting for.
Margaret Gerving, from Doncaster, said: "You mean to say the BBC is short of cash after allowing a long list of talentless hacks to decide their own multi-million pound salaries? I find that very difficult to believe.
"Like everyone else, I just assumed they had finally run out of money after filming hour after hour after hour after hour - after hour - of people you would not normally associate with dancing."
Tom Logan, from Finsbury Park, said: "I know there are some people who think Jonathan Ross, Jeremy Clarkson and Graham Norton add meaning and colour to their lives, but the thing you have to remember about those people is, they're stupid and wrong.
"At first it may seem a bit odd that Jonathan Ross is not on the telly anymore, but after a couple of days no-one - and I do mean absolutely no-one - will care."
He added: "I suppose Jonathan Ross could go back to being a researcher for a production company which is what he should have been doing all along if television wasn't run by total idiots."
Bill McKay, from Peterborough, volunteered his services to the BBC stressing he had thought about it constantly for over a month and had come to the unavoidable conclusion that he could not possibly be less talented than Jonathan Ross.
"So it's basically two hours a week asking dead-eyed celebrities about their crap films and reading out some funny-but-true stories on Radio Two? I'll do it for a fifty grand.
"That should still leave me plenty of time to do voice-overs and enjoy a very comfortable standard of living."
He added: "And I promise to try my absolute level best not to use my two hours a week to phone-up a nice old man and take the mickey out of him"

MP BECOMES FIRST EVER PERSON TO FORGET HE HAD PAID OFF HIS MORTGAGE

LABOUR MP Elliot Morley was last night confirmed as the first person in the history of the world to forget he had paid off his mortgage.

The former minister admitted he had completely forgotten to stop claiming taxpayers' money for the mortgage he had paid off before forgetting which of his two houses he actually lived in most of the time.

Mortgage slaves across Britain were stunned at the sheer scale of Mr Morley's forgetfulness.

Martin Bishop, from Darlington, said: "Complete strangers will remember where they were and what they were doing when I pay off my mortgage. I fully intend for it to be this generation's Kennedy assassination."

Tom Logan, from Hatfield, said: "I'm going to get Earth Wind and Fire to play Boogie Wonderland so loud it explodes every window within a 12-mile radius while the Red Arrows do a flypast over my house. I will probably have to take out another mortgage but it'll be worth every penny."

And Emma Bradford, from Peterborough, added: "Remember when they attached millions of gigantic fireworks to the Eiffel Tower? I'll make that look just like a birthday cake."

Elliot Morley said last night: "Gosh, I am terribly forgetful aren't I? Perhaps I should eat more oily fish."

Forgetfulness expert Dr Margaret Gerving said: "As a former agriculture minister he may have spent a bit too much time with farmers. They're always forgetting how rich they are and then claiming thousands of pounds from people much worse off than them."

Mr Morley will today attend a brief ceremony at the London office of the Guinness Book of World Records after which he is expected to hand himself in to the police.

 

MPs CALL FOR BAN ON HUGE, IRRESISTIBLE TELEVISIONS

MPs from all parties last night demanded a ban on the gigantic, irresistible, state of the art television sets at the root of the House of Commons expenses scandal.
As politicians attempted to rebuild their shattered reputations, they said it was no coincidence the expenses system began to spiral out of control shortly after the introduction of the first widescreen LCD TV with Dolby digital surround sound.
Veteran Labour backbencher Sir Gerald Kauffman, said: "Cynical manufacturers are making these exquisite televisions as expensive as they possibly can, knowing full well that it simply makes them even more attractive to vulnerable MPs. "Within a few years of the first flat screen models they started developing things like high-definition and built-in Freeview tuners. For an MP, that's like adding crack cocaine to a bottle of chocolate heroin."
A committee of senior members from across the House is now drafting emergency legislation that will make it illegal to import a television larger than 19 inches, while the government is urging Japan, Germany and South Korea to convert their television factories into strawberry farms.
Mr Kauffman, who somehow managed to spend more than £8000 on one television set, added: "And of course one cannot be expected to watch a 50 inch, wall-mounted Bang and Olufsen in an old battered chair that sits atop a cheap, grubby-looking, non-Harrods rug. That would be an insult to the television."
Angus Robertson, the SNP leader at Westminster, said he was forced to spend £1100 on a beautifully engineered high-definition television so that he could 'watch political programmes as the director intended'.
He said: "The cinematography on the Politics Show is simply breathtaking. It makes Lawrence of Arabia look like some amateur wedding video made by a four year-old dog."
Meanwhile Shahid Malik, the former home office minister, said the television culture had become so insidious that he was forced to record himself being interviewed, freeze frame his own face on a huge £2000 flat screen and and then stare at it in the dark while sitting in a large, vibrating chair.

THERE'S NO MORE MONEY, SAYS MAN WHO PRINTS ALL THE MONEY

BRITAIN has run out of money, the man who prints it said last night. Bank of England governor Mervyn King urged everyone to take his word for it and that if they didn't believe him he could show them the big room where he keeps it all.

Mr King's comments have put him on a collision course with prime minister Gordon Brown who last night insisted the Great Money Forest of Hampshire would soon be in bloom, promising a bumper harvest of ripe, crisp tenners.

But Mr King told a committee of MPs yesterday: "If anyone is still inclined to agree with the prime minister's magical Hampshire forest theory, I would advise you to open your wallet, get out a ten pound note and read it.

"You will notice that across the top, in large, capital letters, it says 'Bank of England'. Well, I'm the boss of that.

"And if I can draw your attention to the bottom left hand corner, you will see that it's signed by someone called the 'Chief Cashier'. That's right, you've guessed it, he works for me.

"If you then turn it over you will see there is also a portrait of the eminent scientist Charles Darwin, who, if he was alive today, would undoubtedly agree with my assessment, what with him not being a complete bloody idiot."

Mr King added: "I might be persuaded to print a little bit more money later in the year so that RBS can give Sir Fred Goodwin enough cash to finally buy his own volcano, but that is absolutely it."

A Downing Street spokesman said: "Everyone in the world agrees with the prime minister that we need to keep spending loads more money - except the Conservatives. And the Bank of England. And the CBI. And the French and the Germans and the European Central bank?"

 

JACQUI SMITH CHANGES NAME TO 'TRIXIE BEAVER'

HOME secretary Jacqui Smith has changed her name to 'Trixie Beaver', it was confirmed last night.
Ms Smith said the new name was a major step forward in her drive to complete the pornification of the Home Office by the end of this year.
The minister has instructed all staff to adopt their porn names, while the department's website will become a showcase for shockingly explicit Japanese home movies and renamed www.tokyoslutsonfire.gov.uk.
A Home Office spokesman said: "The Home secretary's first pet was an old donkey named Trixie and her first home was in Beaver Close in Malvern. We also used a random porn name generator which produced 'Madam Jammer', but that'll just be for Friday nights."
All male staff will be given three weeks to grow a thick moustache, while all female staff higher than grade four will now be known as 'vixens'.
Meanwhile junior female staff will be told to behave like young, naive country girls who have just arrived in the big city and are willing to try anything once.
Later this month Ms Smith and a delegation of senior Home Office officials will embark on a fact-finding mission to the US city of Dallas in a bid to find out exactly what Debbie did and where she did it.
Other government departments are expected to follow suit over the next six months with the Department of Health finalising a series of pamphlets on oral fun.
But chancellor Alistair Darling stressed there were no plans to pornify the Treasury as it has been screwing Britain in a wide variety of exotic positions for over a decade.

 

RYANAIR PLANES TO SMELL STRONGLY OF URINE AND FAECES

BUDGET airline Ryanair is to introduce the overwhelming stench of bodily waste to its 145 routes across Europe.

The company said that by removing the toilets, adding extra seats and transforming its planes into flying cesspits it was simply keeping pace with customer expectations.
Chief executive Michael O'Leary said: "Passengers should feel free to urinate on their seats or into a cup which they can then hand to the cabin crew who will be going up and down the aisle with a couple of buckets.

"Inevitably, given the nature of air travel, there will be some spillage, but the whole point of this policy is to make sure the aircraft is awash with as much human waste as possible.
"Anyone who has to expel solids can either turn round in their seat and try and squeeze it into the little magazine pocket, or they can take the magazine and squat in the aisle for a few minutes if that's more comfortable."

He added: "As always, Ryanair's first priority is the health and safety of our staff so we will be giving them climbing boots and crampons so they don't keep slipping in all that fresh dung."

Tom Logan, a frequent flyer from London, said: "I'm really looking forward to loading up on curry and Guinness and then going off like a muck spreader the next time I fly to Bratislava."

A spokesman for rivals easyJet said: "Letting people shit and piss all over the plane... no, I don't think we'll be doing that."

JACKSON TO BE SOLD FOR SPARES

MICHAEL Jackson's London concerts will be his last public appearances before he is broken down into his constituent parts and auctioned off for scrap, it has been confirmed. The singer's mangement said the cost of repairing the 50 year-old had become prohibitive and that he had now been rendered obsolete by newer, more efficient pop stars.
Experts say the latest version of Pharell Williams can produce four times the amount of falsetto- based pop-funk but with fewer outward signs of total insanity.
Producer Quincy Jones has placed a $9m reserve bid on the singer's feet so he can finally learn how to moonwalk, while a Japanese businessman has bid an undisclosed sum for Jackson's hair, which will be placed in a private collection alongside Nat King Cole's larynx and the knees of James Brown.
Jackson will combine his O2 arena concerts with an enormous carboot sale, selling what is left of his unhinged, 35 year-long shopping spree.
The singer's spokesman said: "There's eight thousand bags of out-of-date monkey feed, a thirty foot statue of Macauley Culkin touching his toes and a lifesize watercolour portrait of Michael doing the 'Thriller' dance with the Elephant Man's skeleton." Meanwhile queues are already forming outside the venue as hundreds of middle-aged virgins with self-printed Jackson t-shirts mill about, comparing buttock tattoos of the singer that look like someone wearing a 'Scream' mask and one of Elizabeth Talylor's old wigs.
An O2 spokesman said: "It's easily the biggest collection of obsessive fruit-loops to hit the UK since the funeral of Princess Diana."

 

SO, WHERE'S ALL THE bloody GRIT? ASKS BRITAIN

PEOPLE across Britain contacted their local councils yesterday to ask what has happened to all the grit.
As grit supplies ran low, leading to thousands of car crashes, motorists said that if there is one thing you would think the council could not cock up, it would be making sure there's enough grit.
Experts claim the shortage has been caused by climate change, childhood obesity, or possiibly the influx of unskilled, non-EU immigrants.
A spokesman for Hertfordshire County Council said: "I have seen some rather fat, hungry looking children hanging around the depot.
"And let's not forget that one of the most devastating effects of climate change is to make council officials forget to order more grit.
"But no, on second thoughts you're right, it's probably all that immigration."
The grit shortage has also presented Britain's newspapers with their most irresistible metaphor since that big, stinking cloud wafted across the Channel from Brussels in 2007.
Melanie Phillips, writing in the Daily Mail, said: "As if it was not already obvious, modern Britain has no grit.
"The arctic weather has exposed not only our lack of grit, but also, and in a very real sense, our lack of grit.
"DO YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?"

 

 

RBS EXECS TO REV THEIR FERRARIS VERY LOUDLY OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE

ROYAL Bank of Scotland executives are to use their six figure bonuses to buy Ferraris which they will then rev loudly right in front of your house.

The bankers said they wanted to thank you for all the money in a really insincere way which not only rubs it in but reminds you what idiots you've been.

An RBS spokesman said: "When you come to the window they will wave and shout 'cheers sucker!' before tooting the horn and driving the car the 20 yards to your neighbour's house where they will then repeat the process.

"Admittedly this will take up quite a lot of office time but when you get £20 billion from the taxpayer for, essentially, cocking up, work does tend to become less of a priority."

After the gloating the bankers will then drive their Ferraris to a rally in Hyde Park where they will hold a contest to decide who is most like Ferris Bueller.
Tom Logan, an executive in the small business division, said: "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

He added: "This is my ninth sick day this month. It's getting pretty tough coming up with new illnesses. If I go for ten, I'm probably gonna have to barf up a lung. So I better make this one count."

Logan then jumped on a passing float, grabbed the microphone and gave an outstanding rendition of Twist and Shout.

WIND TURBINE DAMAGE 'MAY NOT HAVE BEEN ALIENS'

DAMAGE to a Lincolnshire wind farm turbine may not have been caused by aliens, experts claimed last night.
Police insist the most likely explanation for the damage to the 300-ft turbine is a high speed crash involving an extra-terrestrial spacecraft.
One of the blades was badly dented and another disappeared, as is often the case in alien-windfarm collisions.
Inspector Tom Logan said: "What seems to have happened is an alien being has travelled millions of light years across space from a planet we have never heard of, using technology we can only dream about, and then collided with a windfarm in Conisholme.
"I've said it before - these alien craft are designed for high-speed intergalactic travel. They do not handle well in the Earth's atmosphere, mainly due to our fluctuating magnetic fields.
"The aliens need to slow down or preferably use a different mode of transport once they arrive on Earth. There's an excellent bus service between Mablethorpe and Market Rasen."
Although police consider aliens the most likely explanation they are not ruling out other lines of enquiry, including giant wasps or a massive urang utan.
Local villagers have also reported gangs of angry voles with ladders, while nearby farmyards are being checked for cow catapults.

IT'S A HORRIBLE LIFE

GORDON Brown sat on the railing of the old iron bridge that takes people in and out of the small town of Bedford Falls and stared at the freezing water. Everything was messed up. Some people were saying it was all his fault. Maybe it was. Maybe it would be better if he just jumped into that deep, dark river and let it swallow him whole. He sighed and shook his head, wondering if he really had the courage.
Suddenly, he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned to see the smiling face of a kindly old man. The stranger held out his hand. "Hello Gordon, I'm Clarence," he said.
"Looks like you're fixing to do something drastic," said Clarence. "Well, let's just take a minute. Tell me Gordon, have you ever wondered what the world would be like if you had never existed? No? Well let's have a look, shall we?"
In the blink of an eye Gordon found himself transported to the middle of Main Street. Amid the glowing lights the good people of Bedford Falls were enjoying their last minute Christmas shopping. A cheerful song and the smell of roasted chestnuts filled the air. Everyone wished each other 'happy holidays!' as the shopkeepers stood in their doorways, beaming with delight and looking forward to another prosperous year.
"Nothing like having a man in charge who knows not to spend money you don't have on things you don't need and to save something for a rainy day," said Mr Malley, the baker.
"Last thing this town needs is a man who gives jobs and big, fat pensions to all and sundry at our expense just so as they'll vote for him," replied Mr Logan, the butcher.
Gordon spun around, taking it all in. His drab little town seemed so alive. With the giddy excitement of a child on Christmas morning he raced along the pavement, running so fast he almost tumbled over. "Hello Woolworths!" he shouted. "Hello MFI! Hello Whittards!"
But just as as he reached the local branch of Northern Rock, everything turned dark. He looked back along Main Street to see the shops boarded up, and for sale signs in every window. Mr Logan, a cleaver in each hand, was desperately fighting off some local youths. A burning mattress was the only source of light and somewhere in the darkness, someone screamed.
In an instant Gordon was back at the old bridge. Clarence appeared at his shoulder. "I'm afraid that's how life really is Gordon. And yes, it is all your fault, you total arsehole. Anyway, I just wanted you to see all that before I pushed you in."
And with that Clarence grabbed Gordon by the heels and tipped him into the dark, freezing river.
They found his hat three days later

GOVERNMENT TO BAIL OUT PATHETIC LAPLAND THEME PARK

LORD Mandelson has added the pathetic Lapland theme park to his list of businesses that must be saved.
The business secretary insisted the ludicrous attempt at recreating Santa's magical wonderland was essential to Britain's economic future.
He added: "Christmas is the most businessy time of the year and nothing is more important than Christmassy businesses.
"Future generations are unlikely to forgive us if we do not save at least one tawdry hellhole where they can dump their children for six hours while they continue their search for cheap alcohol."
But opposition parties said the government should not be in the business of picking business winners and stressed that the Lapland theme park was unbelievably pathetic.
A Lib Dem spokesman said: "It's basically two garden sheds and a stuffed badger with a Comic Relief nose.
"The 'elves' are obviously just drunk, angry Welshmen while Santa is a foul-smelling Polish gentleman who lets the children sit on his knee but then gives them a flyer for his plumbing business."
Other firms on Lord Mandelson's list include Corbett and Barker's Stationery and Saddle Emporium, the Coventry and District Pigeon Mart, Betamax Video Recorders-R-Us and the Daily Mirror.

_____________________________

PREDICTIONS FOR 2009

January. The New Year will begin, almost certainly, on the 1st January, although for some civil servants, it may not be until at least the 16th.
George Michael's new single "I'm going for a cottage in the country" will reach number one, although there will be accusations of chart entry via back door methods.
February. Gordon Brown announces a tax on tax. Everyone paying income tax will have to pay the new ITT (Income Tax Tax) at a rate of 4% on every pound they pay in tax.
Amazon.co.uk will court controversy by losing CD's in the post, namely "The Eagles Greatest Hits" and "Pavarotti sings the Sex Pistols". Gordon Brown will deny all responsibility despite it not being his fault.
April. Tesco will reduce the price of their Christmas trees, crackers, wrapping paper and other Christmas profit-generating crap.
May. The entire Manchester United football team, including Alex Ferguson, will get through an entire football match without spitting, chewing gum or attempting a Bafta award-winning fall.
June. June is designated as British Annual Water Shortage Month, with celebrations of localised hosepipe bans and forest fires.
Tesco announce a Christmas sale.
July. An animal month. An English Sheepdog called Phyllis wins "I'm a celebrity get me out of here" and Dingo the Donkey wins the East Ham by-election caused by the death of some chap with a moustache and glasses. Unison decide it is in the best interest of their members to organise a national strike ballot in sympathy with overworked bus drivers in Bogota.
August. The LibDems announce their 2002 election manifesto. No one has the heart to shatter their illusions by telling them it's 2009. Rare British Coronation postage stamps are discovered on some undelivered mail from 1953. Wales declares the 14th as National Self-Abuse Day.
September. Arnold McFroggitt of Lerwick in Scotland is fined by e-bay for selling the Scottish Government on their auction website. A refund had to be made, as someone buys it for 47 Euros.
December. Easter Eggs go on sale in Tesco. The Internet Research Company release figures showing that up to 3% of the world's spam is genuine email. Hewlett Packard invent a computer printer that never runs out of ink because it never works from the minute it is taken out of its box.

 

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