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British sport welcomes Haye excuse

DEFEATED boxer David Haye has heralded a new dawn of British sports excuses by blaming a 1cm bone in his four tonne body.
Football managers and cricketers are now keen to explore the broadened horizons in verbal horse dung.
Pundits are anticipating excuses such as 'the referee's whistle was the wrong shade of silver' to 'the mixed critical reaction to the latest novel by Philip Roth'.
Meanwhile, the ECB has employed a dedicated excuse consultant to exploit the rich, new seams of self-justifying folderol.
Haye's manager, Martin Bishop, said: "David was just going to admit to not throwing a single punch, but I thought it would be more convincing if we blamed his ickle-wickle piggy instead.
"We are now working on a Muhammad Ali inspired, post-retirement excuse, such as 'I would have been the greatest but I had a really dicky tummy'."
Britain's history of sporting alibis stretches back to the Norman invasion, when the head coach of Harold's conquered army claimed the soldiers had been distracted by a dispute with the shirt sponsor.
Sport psychologist, Tom Logan, said: "The perfect excuse is a combination of self-belief, determination to find any mitigating evidence other than just 'being rubbish' and of course, the abject rubbishness that necessitates an excuse in the first place.
"But Haye has shown that we need to move beyond the assumption that the excuse should have something to do with what actually happened. "
Logan said the 2012 Olympics presented Britain with an opportunity to reach new heights of excuse, and predicted many athletes would blame their failure on a constant fear that the stadium was about to collapse into an enormous pit.

Liverpool to experiment with 0-11-0 formation

KENNY Dalglish is hoping to improve Liverpool's fortunes next season by fielding a side comprising entirely of midfielders.
The incomprehensible spendthrift has signed 15 midfielders in the last two days at a cost of £112m and has had to be talked out of selling the other parts of his squad by an increasingly-terrified Steve Clarke.
Clarke said: "Before Sammy Lee was wheeled out following his nervous breakdown, the one bit of advice he gave me was not to let Kenny go scouting for players driving anything bigger than a scooter because you've got no idea what he'll come home with.
"Granted, strikers are a bunch of prima donnas, defenders a bunch of thugs and goalkeepers are just mental, but they do serve a purpose on the pitch even if, as in the case of Glen Johnson, that purpose is purely decorative."
The latest acquisition is Blackpool's Charlie Adam, despite the fact during his medical carbon-dating showed the '25 year-old' to actually date from the last Jurassic period.
Dalglish's rationale for the new direction is that an 11-man midfield will form an impenetrable wall between the opposition and their half, and will be able to slowly advance toward the opposition goal in what he has dubbed 'the Kitchener formation' after the unbelievably wrong Word War I general.
Using a series of flash cards to indicate his tactics, he said: "We've proven pretty conclusively that we can't pass the ball five yards without accidentally conceding a penalty or bursting into flames so this way they just need to link arms and walk forward whilst kicking.
"Imagine a West End chorus line with Dirk Kuyt in it."

Multi-billion pound outdoor pastime still struggling with liquid

FORMULA 1 bosses have been urged to make their multi-million pound cars slightly more adaptable than a 10-year-old Nissan Micra.
As Jenson Button pointed the remains of his car over the finish line before anybody else in the Canadian Grand Prix, many viewers wondered how several billion pounds worth of design had struggled so much to cope with the average road conditions of Manchester in July.

Ferrari boss Stefano Domenicali said: "While I realise that our racing cars might not have a decent cup holder due to weight considerations, I would hope that after spending the GDP of Burkina Fasso they might be able to turn the odd corner when there's enough water on the road to drown a millipede without hurtling themselves over a crash barrier or just bursting into flames.

"In fact, by now I'd really expect them to generate their own microclimate which not only dried the track around them but also encouraged the driver to change into his shorts by the time he's finished the race."

Footage from the race is already being pored over by Hollywood producers who believe it could be invaluable in their upcoming reboot of Harold Lloyd and the Keystone Cops Go Ice Skating.

F1ologist Wayne Hayes said: "It's difficult to hear over the sound of the engines and Lewis Hamilton voicing his opinion of Button, but in the background you can actually hear the cars generating the noise of swanee whistles and trombones.

"While all eyes were on Button's dramatic not-suddenly-forgetting-how-to-drive-like-Vettel-did, at the back of the race you can clearly see the last car crossing the finishing line with 37 old-fashioned policemen clinging to the sides of it."

Olympic ticket applicants receive first set of clues

 OLYMPICS ticket applicants have been posted an elliptic set of messages that will eventually reveal what sport they will be watching.

As entirely random amounts of money were taken from bank accounts, the person behind the clues for Ted Rogers' 3-2-1 was brought out of retirement, along with an army of cryptic crossword compilers, to write the receipts.

Baffled Carlisle purchaser, Wayne Hayes, said: "I got a slip confirming I'd paid £385 and a scroll of parchment saying 'What walks on the earth but cannot see sky? Its eyes number 20, but has just six thighs'.

"There was also a train ticket to Knutsford and a false moustache.
"Am I going to the rowing, the opening ceremony or the official firing of Seb Coe? For all I know I may even be competing in the bloody thing."

The next stage will be a series of adverts directed by David Lynch and Darren Aronofsky featuring dream sequences and mathematical equations that will, according to organisers, 'spark image clouds in the collective unconsciousness of the public which will gradually reveal to them whether they managed to get to see any athletics or not'.

The ticket lottery method is being adopted by other companies including Ryanair, whose chief executive Michael O'Leary was drawn to the arbitrary and completely unfair aspects of the process.

A spokesman said: "From next April a customer who wants to go to Alicante could find they have actually bought 200kg of freight space on a flight to Uzbekistan."

But the process was criticised by Olympologist, Tom Logan, who said: "In China everybody knew seven years in advance what event they'd be going to see and how many times they would be required to clap their hands together.

Work starts on Olympic Stadium excuses

SEBASTIAN Coe has launched the first tranche of excuses about why something in the Olympic Stadium doesn't work. With just 16 months until the games begin, many had feared workers would run out of time to explain why the toilets don't flush and all the seats are facing the wrong way. But Lord Coe said: "It's a beautiful testament to British buck-passing and I can't wait until the opening ceremony to be given the chance to explain why the place is half-empty and smells like a cesspit.
"I don't think anybody wants to see a re-run of the disgraceful scenes in China with its breathtaking spectacle running like clockwork. "And if they do, they're barking up the wrong ill-conceived, mindblowingly expensive and ultimately ruinous tree."
Some have cited the stadium's completion on time and under budget points to a successful project not requiring excuses, but the builders have promised that will all change as soon as anybody tries using the electrics, the plumbing or any of the floors.
Coe added: "Then there's the issue of a transport system unable to cope with a coach party of pensioners from Leeds, let alone the numbers associated with a hamfisted international sporting event, to concoct excuses for.
"And, lest we forget, the whole thing is in East London."

 

 

 

Tragedy as 21 year-old earns £78,000 for four days work

BRITAIN was inconsolable last night as a 21 year-old man was forced to collect the best part of eighty grand for poking a stick around a field.
Ulsterman Rory McIlroy carried the hopes of a nation as he went in to the last day of the Masters with a commanding four shot advantage and all the money he could ever possibly need.
But the dream collapsed at Augusta's par four 10th when the meteoric youngster drove into the trees after being distracted by a glimpse of a really nice Porsche 911, that he has since bought, grown bored of and abandoned in the car park of a seven-star hotel.
TV viewers in the UK wept as McIlroy missed a series of putts that could have been holed by Italian grandmothers, all the while hiding his tragic face beneath the brim of the heavily-branded hat he gets paid tens of thousands of pounds to wear.
The BBC responded to McIlroy's collapse by placing a black border around the screen and playing Barber's Adagio for Strings over and over again.
Distraught presenter Hazel Irvine screamed 'Roooo-reee! Roooo-reee! Roooo-reee!' before cutting all her hair off, stripping naked and drowning herself in the lake at the par five 15th.
Commentators Ken Brown and Wayne Grady self-harmed with plastic forks and sharpened pencils, while Peter Allis said it was worse than watching Shoah, the nine and a half hour-long documentary about the Holocaust.
Allis added: "Cruel mistress... young lad... lesson learned... character-building... where am I?"
After his catastrophic final round of 374, McIlroy said: "I don't know what I'd do if my job wasn't inconsequential and I had absolutely nothing to worry about."
Meanwhile winner Charl Schwartzel said he will use his £880,000 prize money to buy back the missing letters from his name.

Formula One is rubbish, admits Ecclestone

BERNIE Ecclestone has confessed that Formula One is bollocks and he's sick of looking at it.
The world's longest midlife crisis has spent the last 30 years somehow managing to convince people to gawp at a 200mph rollerskate that weighs less than your dinner and costs more than your house.
The deception has made him one of the world's richest men under four foot tall and has been described by financial experts as 'a sporting ponzi scheme with lots of big-titted blonde women milling around for no apparent reason'.
Now Ecclestone has finally admitted that Formula One is not so much a spectacle as it is an unremitting procession of eye-clawing dreariness, enjoyed by people who need to have a right good word with themselves.
He said: "Even if we make it rain spaceships onto the track every five minutes and tune the engines to sound like Kylie Minogue reaching a spectacular climax it's still going to be like staring at a stretch of the M25 but with an even higher concentration of tedious men with too much money sitting in pointlessly expensive cars.
"You can carry on watching in the hope of a really good pile-up but you may as well watch Eastenders in the hope that Arthur comes out of his allotment shed with Dirty Den's head on a stick."
Earlier this year Ecclestone drew up a series of ideas to make the sport more exciting, including the use of agent provocateurs to provoke a revolution in Bahrain and then attempting to stage grand prix right in the middle of it.
But the plan was abandoned when a feasibility study showed motor racing was better at quelling unrest than a job-lot of tranquilser darts.
Ecclestone now hopes to spice up this year's British grand prix by stopping it halfway through for a poetry reading by Sir Ian McKellen

Volleyball sold out

OLYMPICS organisers have pleaded with the public to buy tickets for events not based on bikinis or hotpants. The 2012 website crashed within minutes of being launched as Britain's men clamoured to apply for the various thinly-veiled excuses for jiggling. Front-row seats for beach volleyball, rhythmic gymnastics and the warm-up area for the women's high jump have been most in demand.
Ruddy-faced Olympic enthusiast Wayne Hayes said: "I've applied for the most expensive seats as I'm going to need plenty of elbow room.
"I've always enjoyed myself vigorously when watching the games but to actually be there to witness the magnificent spectacle and be able to see every bead of sweat trickling down the....sorry I´m getting distracted."
Organisers are desperately trying to raise interest in the more heavily-clothed events with the introduction of qualifying swimsuit rounds for judo, three-day eventing and women's cricket.
Olympic Führer, Lord Coe, warned that without more flesh, tickets for events like fencing and archery will remain unsold unless local people are allowed to bring their own weapons and join in.
Coe added: "The Olympic ideal is to bring harmony between nations, but I don't see why we can't have loads of tight, hot arses bouncing up and down at the same time. And thighs."
Meanwhile, ticket helpline operative Nikki Hollis is fielding up to 200 calls a day from furtive, grunting customers asking whether they are allowed to pay extra to take home the competitor's towels. She added: "Putting banknotes in an athlete's waistband will get you thrown out of the stadium."

Indian cricketers now embroiled in new fixing scam

Another two cricketers from the Indian team are now facing a new fixing scam. Rather than match fixing it has been alleged that these two stars have been fixing toasters, kettles and even DVD players on the side.
While on tour over here instead of training in the nets the two are said to have been working on a cousins repair stall in Tottenham offering to fix allsorts of items ranging from Cappuccino makers to vacuum cleaners. However, they were spotted by an eagle eyed official who witnessed an old lady complaining about their efforts to repair her teasmaid.
With their team mates banned for years they are now said to be shittin poppadoms at the thought of having to fix electrical items for the rest of their lives.
Although the average repair man in the UK can earn over £100,000 per annum scamming old folk out of their life savings while pretending to fit a new element to their kettle, their Indian equivalent isn't so lucky.
'Indians generally try and fix these things themselves rather than call out a local scammer,' said one poor Indian repair man. 'Besides, they haven't got two rupees to rub together in most cases.'
An official said: 'Its one thing to claim to be able to fix a match but a TV is another thing entirely. These guys have had no training, have no formal qualifications and largely no idea what they are doing.'
Just like their British counterparts then!

Olympic stadium to become 'world class' car boot sale venue

LONDON'S Olympic stadium will be transformed into the nation's finest car boot sale venue after the 2012 games.
Determined to leave a lasting cultural legacy for the country, the stadium's governing body has accepted a bid from car boot sale organiser Roy Hobbs, who believes his events could attract buyers from as far afield as Luton. Hobbs, who currently runs several car boot sales and a market stall where you can get mobile phones unlocked, said: "We're talking bouncy castles, a choice of up to four burger vans and of course loads of quality goods, none of them nicked.
"There's a woman from Rickmansworth who sells gingerbread men, she makes them herself, she'll probably be there if her shingles aren't playing up. "And two smashing lads in a white Renault van with several hundred pairs of white size-7 Reebok Pump trainers that they got for their birthdays but unfortunately didn't fit." Hobbs said the government has already been in touch about selling the stuff that used to be in the Millennium Dome and has since been kept in a massive taxpayer-funded cardboard box.
A spokesman for the Olympic Park Legacy committee said: "The Olympics are about pushing yourself to your limits and we hope that visitors will channel that spirit when they are haggling over a Poldark VHS box set or a book about how the pyramids were built by aliens, never giving up even when the seller insists he won't take less than 50p."
He added: "Athletics meetings will continue to be held on the site for the dozen or so people who are interested, so we're asking people not to park cars or vans on the track."

Uefa banks on football fans being thick

TICKET prices for the Champion's League final are fresh evidence that the people who run football think the fans might be a bit thick, it emerged last night.
Uefa is charging so-called 'neutrals' £176 to see the Wembley finale in what experts have described as one of the finest and most beautifully crafted licences to print money they have ever seen.
Wayne Hayes, a season ticket holder from Hatfield said: "Leave it aaaht. A hundred a seventy six nicker? You must think I'm some kind of moron. Do you take Visa Electron?"
But Uefa insisted the pricing policy is in line with absolutely everything else to do with football.
A spokesman said: "A few years ago we, along with the national football associations of Western Europe, conducted a detailed study of our customer base and were delighted to discover they were all chimpanzees.
"We couldn't have been happier if they had given us their pin numbers.
"Naturally, at that point, we decided to just charge whatever we felt like. We are now all very, very wealthy indeed.
"And it's not just tickets. They will pay anything for anything. This piece of scratchy, highly inflammable Taiwanese nylon is £70.
"If you want a smaller one for your child that'll be £80. And if you want one for a baby that'll be a £1000."
He added: "When it comes to preying on the feeble-minded it makes Scientology look all fiddly and complicated."

Blackburn Sign Wrong Ronaldinho in January Transfer Chaos

Blackburn FC have been forced to apologise to its fans today after completing the signing of the wrong person, in a desperate attempt to sign Brazilian superstar Ronaldinho.
Instead they managed to sign an 87 year old, former butcher, called Ronald Eno. Most alarmingly they seem to a have agreed to pay the retiree £130k a week.
The Blackburn lawyers are now desperately trying to back out of the deal, however Eno has now held a press conference stating he feels ready to play in the Premiership.
Eno's agent Vincent Jones, 94 and partly deaf, shouted his way through the press conference and ended with "My boy will bag at least a brace of scores for the gang, now everyone be quiet, Deal or No Deal is on".
A club spokesman commented "in hindsight the contractual demands for soup and a nap at halftime should have been a clue".
Interestingly, his older brother Rob was signed by Manchester City in a spending spree in 2008.

Beckham accused of sleeping with wife

DAVID Beckham is fighting to save his reputation after claims he has been to bed with his pointy wife.
Sources close to the couple said Victoria no longer requires tethering to the floor during windy weather, fuelling speculation that another dress-up doll named after the place where they last had sex may be on the way.
An insider said: "Between not playing football in America and making Harry Redknapp look like a salivating, crotch-rubbing pervert in a grimy strip club, he simply hasn't had the time to get drunk enough for that kind of thing.
"If you watch recent footage of him at the Sports Personality of the Year, he looks relaxed and happy, rather than having the haunted Vietnam-vet face of someone who had recently been adjacent to the world's pointiest, most miserable fandango."
Beckham is now considering an injunction against his wife, banning her from further accusations of consummated fidelity.
Meanwhile analysts have warned that Victoria's allegations will damage 'brand Beckham' which generates millions every year as companies queue up to have their products endorsed by a badly tattooed simpleton who sounds like an Eastenders actress.
The insider added; "Victoria decided that having sex with your husband is this season's 'must have'.
"I just hope it all blows over and they can return to being the sexless, joyless couple, the extent of whose fame we will never really understand."

World Cup - Qatar - 2022 - Bit Of A cock-up, Eh Sepp?

Great news just in from FIFA - following the incomprehensible decision by FIFA to stage the 2022 World Cup Finals in a country which frequently experiences 50 degree heat in summer, FIFA mastermind (and distinctly not corrupt in any way) Sepp Blatter has proposed that the tournament be held in winter.
Looking - according to observers - increasingly twattish by the day, in a seemingly effortless drive to make himself and his organisation look like the proper bunch of twats that they are, Blatter edged another step closer to alienating football associations all around the world, as he continued to single mindedly pursue his own idiotic, self-serving agenda.
Exactly how stupid does this wizened old crone think that football fans are? Russia? 2018? We didn't see Abramovich cavorting in the background, honest.
And most football fans regard Qatar as an excellent choice - but Sports News Reporters have never mentioned on any occasion that Blatter and his FIFA cohorts are as corrupt as a Nigerian internet opportunist.
We would never suggest such a thing.
What we would suggest is that the silly old bastard should retire and leave the decision making to somebody with at least four brain cells.
Russia - a mafia run oligarchy?
Qatar - Rolling in disposable oil income?
And this isn't sour grapes. A World Cup final at the Nou Camp or the Bernabeu - in Europe, the home of football, would have been fine. But maybe the bungs didn't work.
Expect a secession from FIFA by the world's football powerhouses - England, Spain, Germany, Italy - and a more realistic alternative World Cup within the next few years.
Maybe Sepp Blatter should have thought harder about goal line technology before the stupid old git scored such a spectacular own goal.
What next?
Compulsory vuvuzelas?

Sepp Blatter says England are bad losers

Sepp Blatter - the world's most powerful man who controls the destiny of over six billion men and women - has said that England are behaving like "bad losers" after they failed to win the 2018 World Cup.
"I am surprised that England are taking this so badly." The demi-god told reporters. "After all, they lose everything all the time - cricket, rugby, football, cooking, sex."
When it was pointed out that cooking and sex weren't competitive sports, he replied:
"The fact that you say this shows me you are a second rate country that has no right to hold a school fete, let alone a world cup.
"Now if you will excuse me I have to decide whether several cancer sufferers should live or die."
He then left the meeting in London and walked across the river Thames - to our awe and wonder.

FIFA Corruption Case "Brilliant" Work By British Media

 

Members of FIFA determined that England should not stage the 2018 World Cup have been applauding the British media behind the scenes.
As the international football authority's Ethics Committee announced its decisions regarding the cases of corruption uncovered by the Sunday Times the anti-England camp were secretly toasting their success.
We were told by a source in the electoral committee: "This has finally put the mockers on the England bid - and if the planned Panorama programme on Fifa corruption goes ahead, you can throw a match on the funeral pyre.
"This has been a marvellous piece of work by the British media who were so pissed off that London got the 2012 Olympics.
"They have been so bitter over their failure to scupper that effort that they have been doing all they can to undermine the England World Cup bid.
"It's just brilliant. We now don't have to lift a finger to persuade people not to vote for England."
One football reporter on a national newspaper told us: "Yup... can't say I'm sorry. I mean, it's the World Cup. Who wants to stay here and cover it, when we could be living it up in Spain and Portugal on expenses? "It's a no-brainer."

RICKY Hatton has insisted that the whole sport of boxing is geared toward cocaine use, right down to its ruinous affects on nasal septums.

The boxer conducted a three-hour press conference, during which he sweated profusely and repeated himself several times, explaining the theory he had developed over the last three sleepless days.

Hatton said: "You can only focus for three minutes at a time, you need a gumshield to stop your teeth being ground into powder and you spend most of your life telling anyone who'll listen how great you are.

"The whole thing couldn't be more gakcentric if it were conducted in a roller disco with the referee dressed as Tony Montana."

Hatton's admission has led to suggestions that boxing could be improved beyond measure if both competitors were snorting cocaine between rounds.
Tom Logan, who watched 10 minutes of a Mike Tyson fight in the early 1990s before switching over to a repeat of Duty Free said: "Just the word boxing fills me with tedious dread.

"Snooker is more entertaining. Potted plants are more entertaining. It makes a Radio Four programme featuring Melvyn Bragg and Alan Yentob in conversation about the British novel seem like a jet-powered roller-coaster of pure, naked thrill.

"But the idea of two angry, lolloping monkeys coked to the tits and let loose on each other does sound totally mental and I think it should definitely happen."

Meanwhile the News of The World's is to continue its campaign to discredit every British sportsman that has ever lived with the revelation that Sir Stanley Matthews spent every Tuesday night in bed with a duck.

Premier League will launch a line of food products ahead of the new season

The English FA and the Premier League have got together in a new merchandising deal worth twenty million pounds, releasing a line of food products.

First in the freezer cabinets of local supermarkets will be Aston Vanilla ice-cream, said by food critic Hugh Blinkinthop to be almost the perfect dessert, but not quite fulfilling one's ultimate desires. A new move will see a fresh product after this, with Black-cherry-pool, a yoghurt based frozen dessert that melts quickly in the heat.

Full-of-ham is a sandwich filling that is chocked full of expensive pig meat, but will leave the consumer feeling decidedly unsatisfied. Wigan Wheels are a relaunch of a similar chocolate covered biscuit snack that many said in the taste test, tasted of meat pie.

Liver-and-onions-pool is a main course dish that will be launched a few months after the other cuisine dishes. It will cost a lot, but experts predict that it will gain ground on the more popular dishes Cheeselea and Manchester Unfried. Cheeselea is a spreadable toast topping made only of the most expensive, mouth watering cheeses, whilst Manchester Unfried is a vegetarian alternative to bacon, that is expected to do quite well. Also expected to do quite well is the oil-soaked Manchester McVities, expensive biscuits that melt away into nothing when you eat them.
Blackberry-burn is inspired by the dishes of Heston Blumenthal, and crosses blackberries with chillies for an eye-watering dish that will make you sick to your stomach if you have too much. Bi-rimming Ham is ham that has been coated in both BBQ sauce and breadcrumbs, before being sliced to thickly to be edible, whilst West Ham is not expected to sell at all.

"We are pretty sure that these new products are going to fly off the shelves," said Premier League spokesman Harry Tilshaven. "Each of the products will have the corresponding logo of their corresponding team. Although it will probably sell well, Arse Nail is probably best avoided, if you can."

 

Swimming Pools Set To Close For Ramadan

A local council has announced moves to close ALL swimming pools for the duration of the Islamic tradition of fasting during Ramadan.
Council leader Duncan Goodhugh said "There is a very real danger that ravenous Muslims will imbibe chlorinated water, deliberately or otherwise, and end up breaking their hunger strike". He continued "Historically, swimming pools are a floating Smörgåsbord of culinary temptations. We want to see that temptation removed. We've found chops (pork AND lamb), eggs (scrambled AND boiled), fried bread, tins of beans and even half a COW floating in our pool. We've tried to remove as many of the bulkier food items as we can but it's difficult to police."
"Removing smaller food items such as toe nails, plasters and other people's skin can be problematic" he argued.

Pensioner Sharron Davis was incensed. She said "Every Wednesday I get in this pool and swim with a plate of Cod, Chips and Mushy Peas. It's a pensioner's special. Swim and Dine for a fiver. Now they want to take the food out of the water. It's political correctness gone mad" she fumed.
Our female reporter asked Swimming Minister Colin De Schotts whether or not it would make more sense to keep pools OPEN and just ban Muslims for a month. He sniffed "That's divisive and racist. No, better to ban everybody so that everybody is equally inconvenienced" and walked away.
Getting into his awaiting car De Schotts accidentally left his microphone on and was heard to say "Bigoted woman. Open pools just for our own people? Who has ever heard of such a thing!"

RONALDO BABY PUNCHES MIDWIFE

RONALDO'S baby son punched a midwife within seconds of being born before feigning a calf injury, it has been confirmed.
The infant lashed out after being refused permission to smoke a cigar in the delivery room and then being placed on a towel that was not made of 100% pure Egyptian cotton.
A source at the US hospital said: "The little arm came flying out and the next minute she was on the floor surrounded by lawyers demanding she be fired. As she was escorted out of the room, I saw the baby wink at his father."
It has also emerged that the Real Madrid star will have sole custody of the child after agreeing to its demands for £180,000 a week.
The child's agent said: "We had offers from the Rooneys, the Terrys and Frank Lampard, who wanted to give Christine Bleakley a new pink thing to be photographed with.
"But ultimately we decided to go with Ronaldo as it does at least raise the possibility of sucking on that Gemma Atkinson for an hour or so."
The agent said the boy has yet to be named, although it was now down to a choice between either Diet Lucozade or The All New Seat Ibiza, at least for the first three years.
A spokesman for Ronaldo said: "Some say that the toilet training and the constant, sobbing demands for attention will be a problem, but I'm afraid the baby will just have to put up with him." Meanwhile, the mother has asked for her identity to be kept secret in a bid to avoid the stigma of everyone knowing that Ronaldo has been up her. So far the possible candidates have been narrowed down to every blonde woman in the Western hemisphere with a cripplng lack of self esteem.

NORTH Koreans were celebrating last night after their team's long-predicted 8-0 thrashing of decadent capitalist Brazil.

Footage of Korea's nine-foot tall players scoring goal after goal past a weeping and unusually Oriental-looking Brazilian side was beamed across the country to over 35 million people, 11 million more than its actual population.

The first three goals saw their goalkeeper earn the 47th hat-trick of his career, with the last being a remarkable bicycle kick from the halfway line.

Each goal was celebrated by the players running to the corner flag and delivering an impassioned five-minute lecture on the nation's rising factory productivity to a rapt crowd of 52,000 Korean fans.

Tom Logan, World Cup analyst at Madeley-Finnegan, said: "North Korea's footage differs significantly from the rest of the world, inasmuch as Ellis Park appeared to be a dilapidated velodrome on an industrial estate and Korea's fourth and seventh goal was exactly the same footage."

But Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Il said: "Our glorious players showed what discipline, moral fortitude and being repeatedly beaten can achieve. I personally coached the team myself, shortly after writing my 375th novel Super Kim Slays Moth-Ra & Has Sexy Fun With Madonna, and fighting a bear with a claw hammer."

A North Korean government spokesman added: "Some may think they remember a goalkeeper called Ri Myong-Guk. They are mistaken. If anybody meets somebody claiming to be a member of his family, they are actually Western demons and should be shot on sight."

North Korean fan Jong-Se Park said: "Much appreciation and fraternal joy to the mighty footballers of our land! I do so hope my family can please be released unharmed so they can witness the ultimate triumph in the final!"

 

FA Cup Stolen By Pikeys

Metropolitan Police Detectives are speaking to a number of people following the disappearance of the famous old FA Cup trophy from victorious Chelsea FC's Park Lane Hotel.

Having earlier defeated Portsmouth 1-0 in the showcase Wembley Cup Final, the Chelsea team and club officials went to the hotel for a celebration dinner, leaving the trophy in the hotel safe.

Which proved to be not very safe at all.
It is believed that Didier Drogba, scorer of the winning goal and winner of the Man Of The Match award was the first member of the party to discover the loss. Rushing upstairs, Drogba alerted club Captain John Terry, and star left back Ashley Cole, who were "chatting with" some French woman and a hair stylist in a private suite and the alarm was raised.
Strangely, one of the first witnesses on the scene was Manchester United captain Rio Ferdinand. Eyewitnesses report that Ferdinand was jumping up and down in a state of high agitation, pointing towards Hyde Park Corner and shouting that it was the 'Pikeys' who had stolen the trophy.

Police immediately launched a hunt for some 'Pikeys' but only succeeded in detaining a Brazilian scaffolder based in Leytonstone, and a hopelessly inebriated woman of no fixed abode.
At the time of writing, the FA Cup has not yet been recovered, and one Met Detective told us off the record that by now the 'Pikeys' will have probably melted it down and moulded it into 'lucky' thimbles which will be sold door to door by a pair of wizened old hags.
A laughing Rio Ferdinand insisted to us that: "It was the 'Pikeys' what done it!"
The original FA Cup was stolen from a Birmingham shop window in a smash and grab raid. And melted down for scrap. Probably by 'Pikeys.'

A spokesman stressed that Ian Lavender, 'Pikey' out of Dad's Army was not involved.
More as we get it.

Kevin Keegan Withdraws From England World Cup Squad

Bewildered England football fans were left scratching their heads yet again this morning following the announcement that now veteran striker Kevin Keegan has ruled himself out of the England World Cup squad.
The devastating news broke this morning, as Keegan was released from hospital with his head in crutches. From what we have managed to glean, Keegan was changing a lightbulb at his home last night when he slipped off a chair and fractured his perm in several places.

Keegan was rushed to North Tyneside General Hospital on the Costa Del Sol and prodded with biros by several doctors and a porter before it was announced that the damage was even worse than initial fears suggested.
Apart from a fractured perm, Keegan suffered some serious collateral split-end injuries and a partial follicle seizure. On the plus side, his PH balance was said to be stable but that in itself won't be enough for the former Newcastle United and Manchester City coach to get his mojo back.
A devastated King Kev told me:
"It's not on lads. I'm really sorry. I'm especially gutted for the fans, but I would like it - nay LOVE IT - if our lads can go out there and win it for the whole country, and especially the north-east. That would be great for the north-east that would, and England. Pass us me hairbrush Jonty will ya?"

 

Canary's fans all over the world were celebrating today as Norwich City returned to the Championship at their first attempt after being relegated to the first division last season.

The happiest Norwich City supporter though was 68 year old TV cook Delia Smith who showed her delight by ripping off all of her clothes and streaking across Charlton Athletics' pitch, the Valley after Norwich's 1-0 victory.
Manager Paul Lambert tried to cover up Delia's modesty with a green and yellow Norwich City scarf, but the jubilant chef was having none of it and ran off waving the scarf in the air whilst fans looked on in amazement.

Norwich fan, Dilbert Farmhand said, 'Oi was shocked so I was when I looked out on the pitch at the final whistle, and there she was bounding across the pitch loik a new born lamb. Oi never knew old Delia 'ad it in 'er to behave loik that but after a couple of glasses of wine she always seems to get out of control.

Celebrity Norwich supporter Stephen Fry also couldn't believe his eyes. 'What an absolutely incredible performance' he said 'I haven't seen breasts like that since nanny used to force me to feast on her mountainous mamaries when I was 16. Oh how I was repulsed back then and watching Delia bought back those awful memories.'

An over excited Delia was interviewed after her streak and grabbed hold of the TV reporter's microphone. 'I haven't felt this liberated since I cooked one of my pineapple upside down cakes in the nude. It's a great day for Norwich and I hope the fans will cheer us on next season for another promotion to the Premiership. Now where's the bar - I'm off to get completely hammered. LET'S BE 'AVING YER'

 

SOUTH AFRICA TO SEND EVERY FOOTBALL FAN £200 AND AN APOLOGY

ENGLAND'S World Cup hopes were back on track last night after Tom Cruise said he could heal his friend David Beckham using nothing more than a simple Dianetic mind poultice.
The Hollywood superstar said he had treated more than 10 million injuries exactly like Beckham's and that the midfielder would soon achieve the physical perfection of the mighty Thetan overlords who invented football more than 15 trillion years ago.
Dr Julian Cook, director of the L Ron Hubbard Sports Injury Clinic, said: "If you were to examine David you would see that he has in fact pulled the tendons inside his brain and they can only be unpulled with the timely application of a grade-four mind poultice."
According to Cook the treatment will involve Cruise putting on a skin-tight silver jumpsuit, a pair of protective goggles and the Electric Gloves of Arkammon before sitting very carefully on Beckham's face.
He added: "David must lie perfectly still while Tom slowly rubs his bottom against the nose and forehead using small circular motions and humming very gently.
"The super-intelligent healing electricity from Tom's armpits will pass down his spinal column before being fired at high speed out of his anus and into David's nostrils where it will then make its way to the injured brain tendons.
An FA source said: "This has to work. Defensively we're strong and Rooney's on fire but we are short of options when it comes to whiny-voiced clothes horses with comprehensively unbearable wives."
Meanwhile the Beckham injury brings the number of potential England excuses to four including altitude, car-jacking and a fresh wave of John Terry skank explosions.
A spokesman for Cruise said last night: "This is an act of friendship and no money or favours are expected in return, though if David did want to get a tattoo on his back which depicts Tom sitting on his face that would be a lovely gesture."

CRUISE TO HEAL BECKHAM WITH DIANETIC MIND POULTICE

AS spending on the World Cup spirals out of control, South Africa has decided to cancel the tournament and write every supporter a cheque instead.
Project planners have estimated the overspend on squad accommodation alone could have kept 320 Nelson Mandelas incarcerated for an extra 500 years.
A spokesman said: "We'll send everyone a DVD of highlights of World Cup '90 because that was quite a good one.
"And what with flights, accommodation and carjacking I'm sure they'd rather stay at home and avoid all the hassle."
All ticket holders will be contacted shortly to arrange their £200 payment and will be offered a mini World Cup experience featuring the chance for fans to get violently drunk in the comfort of their own home.
The spokesman added: "We can get half a dozen blokes to blow those irritating little trumpets outside your house for a couple of hours, have somebody pinch your passport and lay on a load of garden furniture for you to vomit over and then throw through your own patio doors."
Meanwhile organisers of the London 2012 Olympics are flying to South Africa to discuss methods of wasting vast amounts of money more efficiently.
Initial ideas include building a 40,000 seater stadium where 10,000 people can watch eight people ride their bikes, as well as a giant onyx statue of Sebastian Coe doing judo with William Hague.

Irish Bobsled Team Disqualified For Using Sofa

Controversy at the Winter Olympics in Vancouver. The Irish bobsled team has been disqualified after they completed a practice run on a sofa.
Team coach Stig O'Treacy from Athleague said "We don't have much ice back home so the fellas have been training with my Auntie Mary's old sofa. They were doing so well that the Irish Olympic Committee said buying proper equipment was a waste of money."
The Irish completed a practice run in record time and O'Treacy's Auntie Mary didn't even spill her cup of tea. Their disqualification has led to a major international row.
Padraig O'Flannel, Chairman of the All-Ireland Furniture For Sport Committee said "Yet again the Irish are victims of discrimination. Last year Seamus O'Hooligan was disqualified from the Cresta Run for using an old tea tray and Declan Lafferty's attempt to win the Formula 1 title in an old armchair ended in tears at Silverstone. The world needs to take note. Irish sport is alive and well, even if the budget strings are a little tight."
The Irish have lodged an appeal, claiming that Thierry Henry had clearly influenced the IOC's decision.

Hundreds of KGB femmes fatales have infiltrated UK Premiership spooks warn

London - (Lady-From Shag-Hai Mess): A Russian espionage totty squad has infiltrated the UK Premiership spooks warned today.
The motley Mata Hari crew has ditched wayward £10,000+ per week footballers to concentrate on the 'real Premiership' - of British Prime Monster Gorgon Brown.
Spolier slags - mostly two-a-penny porn stars and glamor models - continue to distract national headlines with their off-side shagging antics.
But these are nothing more than carefully choreographed PR stunts geared to mermerising a semi-comatose UK electorate.
Confidential files seen by reporters allege that up to 100 KGB male escorts have penetrated senior Downing Street advisers in the run up to the general eledction.
Their honeytrap missions were planned decades ago during Russia's notorious mobster turf wars for valuable foreign client-dictator signings.
Last year up to a dozen senior UK Cabinet members were targetted by Mile High Club espionage operatives offering comfort services on longhaul government business trips.
And at least five Cabinet ministers have been secretly implanted with satelitte tracking devices monitored by Russian oligarchs' stink tanks.
A parallel campaign to penetrate the Tory Party is only partially funded by the Russians due to so many of the Opposition Front Benches having been infiltrated by Labour many years ago.

Russian With Three Testicles Wins Gold

News from the Winter Olympics in Toronto. In the speed skating the mens 1000 metre dash was won by Russia's Houdunika Bolokov in a new record time. Controversy still surronds Bolokov's entry in the games. He is the first openly tri-testicled athlete to win gold. Sharon Davies has always strongly denied the allegations.
Bolokov certainly scared his opponents when he entered the stadium in his lycra outfit. The contents of his package were clearly on display and the other athletes were left feeling somewhat inadequate. Ireland's Stig O'Treacy said "I was warming up when Bolokov walked past. All three of his balls were bouncing past. It put me right off. I false started twice and was disqualified."
Bolokov intends to take part in as many events as he can, and back home in Chernobyl he trained several times a day. Linford Christie said of Bolokov "Thank God. Now people will forget all about my lunchbox. This guy is no stick of celery. He's a sausage and three spuds kind of guy."
Bolokov hopes to go into politics after he retires. He wants to be something big in the chamber.

 

LIVERPOOL SQUAD DOWN TO FOUR PLAYERS

RAFAEL Benitez last night said he had cleared out the dead wood from the Liverpool squad, leaving him with the four players he really needs.
Thirty seven players have been sold by the manager, raising almost £400 in transfer fees. Many fetched far greater sums than expected as they came equipped with their own boots and training bibs.

Benitez said: "We no longer have Dossena clumping around the pitch like 14 stone of porridge in shorts, but we do have a new kettle for the boot room."

Liverpool will be looking to their talismanic players Torres and Gerrard even more in the coming months as they will be expected to cover nine-tenths of the pitch by themselves.

Benitez said Reina will continue to man the goal and defensive duties will be covered by Carragher, adding: "Selling a fat Russian porn actor masquerading as a striker was one thing, but trying to offload a defender with the turning circle of a dead horse and an accent like a tuba having a row was impossible."

The manager said the club's next big task is to move the entire stadium slightly to the left 'so we can unearth the pirate king’s onions that have cursed us with poor results'.

Assistant manager Sammy Lee said "I can't leave him alone for five minutes. Last year he set fire to the pitch because the grass was 'looking at him funny'. Please do bear with us, it won't be long now."

 

FOOTBALL bosses have unveiled the 12 English cities that have absolutely no chance of hosting the World Cup in 2018. Leeds, Bristol and Sunderland are just some of the venues set for eventual disappointment when a far more attractive country is handed the tournament next year.
FIFA head, Sepp Blatter, said: "The England bid is a very interesting one and should about 50 other countries be ravaged by some terrifying plague that makes your skin fall off and kills you wthin 90 seconds, then yes, you may well see a World Cup match in Milton Keynes."
Several cities were turned down for England's bid, with Derby, Leicester and Hull left out after bid organisers decided they wanted to stand a slightly better chance than Somalia.
Roy Hobbs, the deputy mayor of Hull, said: "I thought we'd developed into a modern, vibrant place for a major sporting event, but then I remembered all the people who live here. "You might get car-jacked senseless in South Africa but at least you're not going to bump into a Phil Brown or that chap from the Beautiful South who looks like he's got no teeth." An FA spokesman said: "We had some very attractive bids and the cities chosen represent the finest facilities in England. And Plymouth is in there because we want the rest of the word to think we're a nation of mentally ill pirates."

WOODS CADDIE DENIES CLUBS SMELLED OF SKANK

TIGER Woods' caddie has dismissed claims the golfer hid evidence of his numerous affairs inside his golf bag.

Steve Williams spoke out after it emerged that photos taken at last year's US Open show Woods being handed a three-iron with a pair of panties dangling from it.

Williams said most modern golfers use protective covers for their clubs made of silk and lace and with the name 'Dusty' emblazoned across the gusset in tiny, fake diamonds.

He added: "I stand next to him for six hours a day and not once have I detected so much as a whiff of lapdancer.

"If all those women are telling the truth, his glove would have smelled like he'd been eating scampi flavoured NikNaks for a week."

Williams also rejected claims by the Augusta National Golf Club in Georgia that he had been seen positioning drunken strippers in the trees behind the 15th green at the 2006 US Masters.

Club secretary, Skippy Wilkerson, said: "We don't get too many negroes here so we just assumed they were his backing singers."

Meanwhile one US tabloid claims to have acquired a taped conversation between Woods and his caddie in a Los Angeles motel room, where he is heard telling the golfer: "Adjust your stance, allow for a slight borrow to the left and then have freaky sex with her until 5am."

 

Darts to become an Olympic sport

It was announced today that darts is to become an Olympic sport in 2012. Spokesman Fascisti Espano, said: 'Nations will be represented by teams of four darts players each, but certain regulations will be put in place to make this on a par with other sports.'
'Players must not be lighter than 200 pounds, and must smoke no less than 30 cigarettes during any one match. Before the ties take place all players must drink 12 pints of lager and eat two fish suppers, and any form of prematch warm-up exercises will not be allowed, nor any exercise within the last 20 years.'
'And of course all players must have a stomach that a sumo wrestler would be proud of, and must have their arms tattooed with words like 'I'M A SPORTSMAN, HONEST' and 'MUM'.'
The undisputed king of darts, Phil 'The Power Lunch' Taylor, had this to say about the Olympics. 'Of course darts is a sport, and it's only right that the Olympics should include it as a medal event. I just hope - pint of Stella, please - I just hope that they don't allow ridiculous sports to be included, such as pool and shove ha'penny, though topless darts might be a fun one. Spectators would pay just to watch all the huge breasts of the players wobbling and swaying about - and that would just be the male ones!'
But darts legend Jocky Wilson said: 'See thay Olympics, I'd only be interested in them if I could get away with their five gold rings, and hock them at my local pawn shop. Darts should stay where it belongs, being played in pubs by alkies in a room full of spilt beer and half-eaten mince pies, and drunken wives.'
Phil, you require 23 - pints of lager.

Osama Bin Laden To Produce Reality Show About Curling

There's not a lot about Osama Bin Laden the world doesn't already know. However all that changed today as western society's 'Most Wanted Man' announced that he is getting ready to independently produce a reality show about the sport of curling.
A reality show based on a sport largely popular in Nordic countries but not that well-known in the southern hemisphere would seem to be a bit of a challenge, but not according to Bin Laden.
"We have a lot of dust and dirt in the Middle East and so sweeping becomes a necessary pastime. It's just natural, then, that people of the Middle East would be fascinated by the sport of curling. It's not that big of a stretch."
When asked what motivated him most about doing the show, Mr. Bin Laden responded, "Curling as well as reality television, much like state-sponsored terrorism, seems to really push the envelope when it comes to the tremendous lengths societies will go to alleviate themselves from the boredom of day to day living. It touches the existential side of me. Whether we end up building bridges or destroying them, well, that's for the television critics to decide."
Funding will come from The United Nations Committee for the Development of the Arts.

JJB DROPS 'SPORTS' FROM TITLE AFTER ADMITTING IT WAS FOOLING NOBODY

JJB Sports, the troubled high street vendor of television watching apparel, has finally dropped the 'Sports' from its name.
The company admitted the word simply led to confusion and would only be reinstated if collecting incapacity benefit is included in the 2012 London Olympics.
Brand consultant Tom Logan, backed the move, adding: "Athletic achievement has never been a top priority for their customer base. The most gruelling exercise they get is a round trip from the sofa and back via Greggs and Cash Convertors.
The store's new title has yet to be finalised, although the favourites include 'JJB Sits', 'JJB Clothes with Writing On' and the more direct 'Free Cakes Here'.
Logan said: "The store appeals to a diverse demographic including people who do minor cheque book fraud and teenage boys who masturbate over Nuts magazine while fantasising about owning a Vectra with the word 'Turbo' written on the door in marker pen, as well as the congenitally wide and/or hefty."
He added: "You'll notice that I didn't include Linford Christie or Daley Thompson in that list."
Wayne Hayes, a JJB customer who is currently off work with a bad back, said: "I go there once a month to buy jogging trousers. I think jogging is a type of console game where you shoot zombie crabs.
"They have an excellent selection of casual and smart tracksuits. I got a cracking bespoke shell suit with stripes down the side and a logo of two naked birds holding each other by the tits that I wore for my uncle Pete's wedding."

SLOVENIAN BANNED FOR LIFE AFTER BEING STABBED BY WAYNE ROONEY oct 2009

SLOVENIA'S Bostjan Cesar has been banned for life from football after allowing himself to be stabbed by Wayne Rooney.
The England striker knifed Cesar after he reached past him in the players' lounge for some peanuts. CCTV footage shows him nearly nudging Rooney, prompting the Utd player to go to his car for a Stanley knife.
Rooney said last night: "I'm dead honest, me, so if I say he needed stabbing you'd berra believe me, right?
"I know the police do a dead difficult job so I was made up when they arrested him for coming anywhere near me."
The England team were celebrating their meaningless win in the meaningless match of their meaningless sport when the stabbing occurred.
UEFA president Michel Platini said: "This is entirely consistent with our arbitrary decision making process. Tomorrow we may decide Cesar has to play six games wearing a top hat. It's all just one big adventure."
But the celebrations were tempered by news that Emile Heskey had been humanely destroyed. The striker struggled to make his way around the pitch before being shot by a qualified marksman and turned into Whiskas.
England fan Charlie Reeves, said: "Watching him stumble about the place, getting in people's way, it was horrible. Even the Slovenians thought it was cruel and they throw dogs off bridges and stuff, don't they?"

 

MEN WIN RIGHT TO WATCH WOMEN HAVE A SWEATY FIGHT

MEN have won the right to watch two women have a sweaty fight as long as one of them gets to listen to her national anthem at the end.
The International Olympic Committee agreed that women punching each other was 'more Olympic' than karate because the competitors would be wearing tight-fitting vests rather than baggy pyjamas.
Girl fights had previously been banned from the event amid claims that while two slim, toned, sweaty women going at each other was obviously worth watching, it was not necessarily a sport.
Advice is now being sought from rhythmic gymnastics experts on how to judge the all-women bouts while hiding a straining erection. A London 2012 spokesman said: "I think the main thing will be to make sure we can see the judges' hands at all times."
The IOC also said girl fights would help make the Olympics more relevant to the East End of London.
Training is already under way in the boroughs of Greenwich and Stratford, with the best medal prospects being told their opponents gave their boyfriends a hand-shandy behind the Odeon.
Meanwhile community activists stressed that if East End women were beating each other up, it would give local men more time to embellish their West Ham tattoos and hand out BNP leaflets.
Girl fight campaigner, Holly Turnbull, said "It's been a long and difficult battle, not least to stop the IOC using the words 'foxy' and 'Angel Delight' at every meeting.
"It's taken took two years for them to agree that we wouldn't have to wear six-inch stilletos and skimpy, leather hotpants."
She added: "Part of our strategy was to show them Million Dollar Baby, although obviously we switched it off before she gets crippled and Clint Eastwood kills her.
"What? You haven't? Oh, sorry about that."

WIMBLEDON DITCHES RULES IN BID TO KEEP MUNTERS OFF CENTRE COURT

THE All-England Tennis Club has scrapped its traditional rules in a bid to preserve centre court for pretty Russian girls with pert buttocks, instead of the ox-like munters who win most of the time.
In the new version of tennis, sylph-like maidens will have a playful knockabout for an hour or so and make soft moaning noises when striking the ball.
Between sets they will rub oil into each others thighs and at the end of the match will congratulate each other with a wet, lingering, tongue-filled kiss.
The umpire will be replaced by a 1970s comedy smut actor such as Robin Askwith, who will abandon the traditional scoring and instead say 'cor blimey' every time a player bends over to touch some balls.
A spokesman said: "Basing women's tennis on skill and points has allowed it to become overrun with lesbians. And by lesbians I mean the snorting, big-armed sort that like KD Lang, not the excellent ones you get in pornography."
He added: "Some of them are competent sports persons, but shouldn't they really be in the TA or delivering furniture?"
Tennis fan Wayne Hayes, from Hitchin, said: "I bought a ticket last year and was horrified when this pair of man-hating heffers lumbered on and started belting the ball around like it was a testicle."
He added: "This new plan sounds very good. Maybe they could just go straight to the showers, which could be moved onto the pitch or whatever they call it. Then they could close the new roof so the CIA satellites can't see me touching myself."
Stocky, unattractive female players will still be allowed to participate in the tournament though their matches will be moved to a designated area of the carpark marked out with coats and nicknamed 'Monster Island'.

DUTCH TO INVENT WORD FOR 'CRICKET

AFTER their surprise victory against England, the Dutch have admitted they had better invent a word for cricket if they are going to play it for a second time.
According to the interim Netherlands Association for Balls and Bats, early favourites are 'kriijket', 'krikkendam' and 'van der krikkenhooffen'.
A spokesman said: "Hey, crazy game, yes? We hit the ball, we catch the ball. It's all good. So, do we win some points for hitting it into the crowd again?"
He added: "We really like 'googly'. It's a funny word and a funny game. I mean, it's not like you are taking it seriously, yes? Oh really? I am sorry."
Holland secured their surprise victory in the last over after England's Stuart Broad experimented with a new form of fielding that did not involve the use of thumbs.
The ECB said the English squad reported feeling 'odd' before the game, after eating a basket of complimentary muffins sent by the Dutch side.
A spokesman added: "Once they finished them, they ordered three dozen doughnuts and a load of bacon sandwiches.
"By the coin toss, half of them were discussing what an amazing colour James Foster's car was and the other half were still in the pavilion, pissing themselves laughing at a SpongeBob SquarePants DVD."
The spokesman warned that following the defeat this year's Ashes series against Australia may have to be cancelled, adding: "At this rate somebody could end up getting killed."

 

FLINTOFF TO MISS ASHES HIDING

INJURY-hit Andrew Flintoff has confirmed he is unlikely to recover in time for an absolute humping by Australia this summer.
The England all-rounder said he was 'gutted' at the thought of missing six whole weeks of flailing wildly at nothing while his stumps explode behind him.
"It's such a shame but I've got a really sore leg. No honestly, really sore. Ow, OW. There it goes again. It's the left one. Yep, definitely the left one. Why, what did I say the last time?"
Former fast bowler Darren Gough said the focus will now shift to the next most likely England player to be utterly humiliated.
He added: "Injuries like these can keep you out for months, or until Bangladesh turn up, whichever comes first. I suffered a similar setback in 2002, when I ruptured my arm bone something rotten and another lad had to have his chucked pies twatted out of the ground."
Flintoff's history of injuries dates back to 1999 when he dislocated a finger during a barstool-related incident. ECB official Denys Finch-Hatton said: "Nobody can combine massive disappointment with drunken buffonery with quite the same flair."
The 2005 Ashes hero is currently sipping daiquiris on a sun lounger in South Africa where the IPL is paying him enough cash to suffocate a hippo. He recently signed for the Chennai Super Kings as they are named after his favourite brand of cigarettes.
A friend said: "If there'd been a team called the Delhi Meat Pies or the Mumbai Eight Pints of Bitter, he'd have faced an almost impossible decision."

A CINDERELLA STORY OF MILLIONAIRES SUPPORTED BY BILLIONAIRES SUPPORTED BY BANKS

THE Brawn racing team completed a Cinderella story yesterday after winning the opening two grand prixs of the season with nothing more than millions and millions of pounds.
The victory in Australia marked a stunning turnaround in fortunes for the humble, soot-covered team, created just months ago after a management buy-out involving fairy dust and money.
Winning driver Jensen Button said: "I suppose it's a bit like David beating Goliath if David and Goliath had been roughly the same size."
Like many of the characters in Cinderella, the senior members of the Brawn GP team live in large, comfortable houses and have domestic staff. They also attend lavish parties in expensive vehicles and own footwear made from a variety of exotic substances.
The team has also recently acquired a bearded fairy-godmother with her own fleet of Boeing 747s, a train company and an island in the Caribbean.
Meanwhile Jensen Button lives in a luxury apartment in Monte Carlo so he doesn't have to pay income tax on his multi-million pound salary, exactly like Cinderella.
A Brawn GP spokesman said: "We made this car with nothing more than lollipop sticks, elastic bands and an enormous amount of money.
"But we have had to tighten our belts which has meant using private jets, helicopters and five star hotels like some band of travelling gypsies."
He added: "It's a fairytale come true for a group of dedicated people whose lives were already a fairytale come true and have been for a number of years

Golf In Iraq Now Most Popular Sport

NAJAF - Iraq - According to the Iraqi Ministry of Sport and Culture, Golf has been adopted by the Iraqis as the countries most popular game.
The Americans brought many things to Iraq after the invasion. They not only introduced Iraqis to the wonderful delights of depleted uranium, random shootings and waterboarding amongst many other delights but also the wonderful sport of golf.
"By Allah this golf game is the best thing in the world. There is nothing I like more than to relax after a hard day dodging suicide bombers, IED's, VBIED's, murder squads, tanks and mortar shells than with a nice relaxing round of golf," Mohammed Rashid Juba, a member of Baghdad's world famous golf club said from the fifth hole.
Golf club membership has gone through the roof in Iraq, especially in the last few months. Local businessman, Ali bin Abdullah, has said that he is struggling to keep up with the high demand for golf gear. Just last month, turnover in his tiny shop in Baghdad's Sunni Triangle district quadrupled.
"I am getting mostly Jihadis coming into the shop and ex-Baath party members. They are not interested in rocket launchers and mines as much as a good iron or putter. As you know we have some of the finest golf courses in the world here even though 96% of the country is sand and desert."
One thing that has taken the Iraqis by storm is that women are now major players in the sport across the whole of Iraq despite Mullahs and religious leaders condemning the exodus from the home and on to the green.
"I blame the infidel dogs who have come to corrupt our women. What's next? Pole dancing? I mean this is ridiculous, three of my wives are out on the course as we speak. My fourth wife, Layla, can now complete the whole course and finish off with a double bogey average for all twenty holes. I mean this insane, they should be at home pleasing me and not in the desert hitting balls around the dunes," Sheik Badr al Din, a religious leader based in Mosul told the Iraq daily newspaper, Al-Hayat.
There is even talk of an Iraqi yearly tournament being organised and everywhere across the country golf courses are springing up like oasis'.

MOST FOOTBALLERS NOW UNDER ARREST

ONLY one in 10 professional footballers in England is not currently under arrest, the FA confirmed last night.
According to the latest figures the most popular offences are sexual assault, grievous bodily harm and speeding, with two players accused of committing all three simultaneously.
Officials have also warned that the remainder of this season's European fixtures are under threat as foreign travel will leave many of the players in breach of their bail conditions.
FA chief executive Brian Barwick said: "Most have handed their passports to the local nick and the rest won't get through the airport metal detectors on account of their ankle tags."
Barwick said he was now working with the Foreign Office and the US government in a bid to fly some of the players to the continent using the system of extraordinary rendition.
A spokesman for the Professional Footballers' Assocation said: "Our members are under intense media pressure and should not be victimised for what may or may not have happened with that broom handle round the back of Chinawhites."
Meanwhile the FA has devised a points system which will be used to fine clubs whose players are convicted. Nightclub affray will score one point, drink-driving three points and serious sexual assaults five points.
It is understood one top-flight club has asked for clarification after one of its players committed an act of gross indecency against a listed building while under the influence of Ketamine.

MILLIONAIRE FOOTBALLERS REMAIN TERRIBLY WORKING CLASS

PREMIER league footballers have remained utterly ghastly despite their multi-million pound salaries, according to new research.
Experts say the huge sums invested in the country's top players have failed to alleviate their violent, working class horridness.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "The majority of them remain largely unintelligible and, when not buying fashionable clothing or hitting people, they sit around on their cream leather sofas, watching Jason Statham films and eating Pringles.
"Even someone like Steven Gerrard, who once had the makings of a gentleman, is unable to resist the lure of ghastly suburban nightlcubs frequented by DJs and fitness instructors and moderately successful plasterers.
"And yes, Wayne Rooney does have an impressive wine collection, but only so his dreadfully inarticulate friends will have nice, heavy bottles to smash over each other's heads."
He added: "Remember those nasty boys in school who were gratuitously violent, foul mouthed, disruptive and cruel? Now imagine them with an annual budget of £5 million."
The Institute has proposed a block release system where footballers would spend eight weeks a year at Cambridge learning to use George Bernard Shaw quotes instead of stamping on someone's forehead.
There would also be regular dinners at the Dorchester where players would be awarded points for correctly identifying the dessert fork and then bonus points for not jamming it in someone's windpipe.
An educated, middle-class footballing trend did emerge in the late 1980s when Everton winger Pat Nevin was seen enjoying 'Doonesbury' in the Guardian but ended in 1993 when Blackburn and England full-back Graeme Le Saux was branded a homosexual for using the word 'eclectic' in a post-match interview.

ECCLESTONE WIFE TO BUY TWO MIDGETS

THE soon-to-be ex-wife of Formula One tycoon Bernie Ecclestone has vowed to buy a taller husband or two midgets that can be bolted together.
Slavica Ecclestone is expected to receive enough money in her divorce settlement to buy any man, or combination of men, that she wants.
She said last night: "When I was a young girl my idea of the perfect husband was a man who was suave, sophisticated, about six foot tall and had a billion pounds.
"But unfortunately at the age of 26 I found myself in the position where I had to choose between a man who was nine foot tall but skint and a three foot midget with two billion pounds.
"I chose Bernie Ecclestone."
She added: "We had many happy years but there's only so long you can be a climbing frame for a monkey. Even a very, very rich monkey.
'If only I could have had another Bernie Ecclestone attached to this one'
"But soon I will have the money and I can choose. I suppose the easy thing would be to have one very large husband but I really like the idea of two midgets in a boiler suit.
"Then they can take it in turns to be the one on top. It'll keeps things fresh."

HAMILTON WINS WORLD CAR POINTING CHAMPIONSHIP

LEWIS Hamilton a few weeks ago became the youngest ever winner of the World Car Pointing Championship.
In a climax, described by some as interesting, the McLaren car pointer crossed the chequered line in fifth place thereby finishing first and completing yet another day of abject humiliation for the world's foreigners.
Roy Hobbs, who gets paid to talk about car pointing, said: "Hamilton has been destined for this moment ever since he learned which button made it go and which button made it stop.
"All he had to do then was work out the best way to point it using the steering thingy."
Hobbs added: "But of course, the most important thing about car pointing is the car, and luckily the car he was pointing was faster than all the other cars being pointed this year.
"I suspect that Lewis Hamilton will now dominate this sport until they come up with a way of doing it all by remote control.

"And yes, it will be like a gigantic Scalextric but with lots of stunningly attractive, heavily-chested ladies in tight t-shirts draping themselves over bald, cigar-smoking fat guys."
Meanwhile a delighted Hamilton and his delighted advisers were last night formulating plans to pump £100 million a year into the Swiss economy.

 

DARLING TO GUARANTEE ALL BETS ON THE 3.50 AT LINGFIELD

CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling has agreed to cover all bets at this afternoon's EBF Maiden Stakes and is tipping the Irish two year-old, General Ting.
Trained by Sir Mark Prescott, General Ting is one of 14 runners on their first outing at Lingfield today.
The bay colt is ridden by Seb Sanders, currently locked in a battle for the Jockey's Championship with Jamie Spencer.
Meanwhile the Chancellor is also extending the government's Fucknut Compensation Scheme to ensure that people can do whatever they want with their money without the slightest consequence.
Mr Darling said: "Maiden stakes are always so fascinating. The runners are out there for the first time and, who knows, one of these young horses may be a legend-in-waiting.
"What's more the jockey's title is going right down to the wire. Terrific stuff."
Personal finance expert Bill McKay said: "Previously the Fucknut scheme covered only the first £32,000 you decided to give to salaried loan sharks.
"Now the government will refund every penny you spend, even if you invest your life savings in the return of Betamax video recorders."
Mr Darling added: "If you see a brand new Ferrari advertised on eBay for a Buy-it-Now price of £3000, my advice is 'go for it'.
"When you turn up to collect it and discover you've been shafted, worry not - I'll send you a cheque."
Tom Logan, markets analyst with ABF McMartin and Dillcott, said: "Northern Rock investors tend to be respectable types who vote, unlike the horrid poor people who are left high and dry when their Christmas Club goes down the shitter."

 

 

ENGLAND TO BE EXCUSED FROM SPORTSeNGLAND HAS RUBBISH TRAINERS

 

ENGLAND has asked to be excused from sports for the rest of the year after producing a note from its mum.
Senior teachers are still assessing whether the note is genuine, but it seems likely the country will be allowed to use Wednesday and Friday afternoons for study time.
The note reads: "Dear teacher, My England should not have to do sports no more cause it's got an infected toe and a swollen wrist.
"The doctor says it needs to stop doing P.E. and be allowed to sit in the corner with its hand down its pants."
Meanwhile classmates of the slow, awkward country welcomed the decision, stressing that having England on your team was worse than having to play with a girl.
Wales said: "England used to be quite good at sport but now it's all fat and speccy and useless.
"It just stands there in its vest and its crap trainers, looking like a twat."
Wales added: "You know it's time to pack it in when Scotland gets picked before you do."
But Mr Hobbs, the PE teacher, said this was typical of England, adding: "You horrid little turd.
"Strip down to your fatboy undies and climb those wall bars before you get my toe up your arse."

 

RONALDO TO STAR IN REMAKE OF 'ROOTS'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ronaldo has demanded £3.5m per episode

 

FOOTBALLER Cristiano Ronaldo is being lined up to star in a multi-million dollar remake of the epic TV series Roots.

Producers say the star's treatment at the hands of Manchester United make him the perfect choice to portray the young African slave who is beaten by his brutal masters.
The Portuguese winger said he had been traumatised by 'outrageous' demands that he honour the £125,000 a week, legally-binding contract, which has brought him only, misery, adulation and Gemma Atkinson.
Speaking from the titanium gazebo in the rose garden of his 31-room mansion, Ronaldo said: "I feel I can relate to the suffering of African slaves.
"If anything, it is worse, because footballers cannot sing while we work, whereas they had time to develop gospel music during their 16-hours shifts before dropping dead from exhaustion."
In the series a young African boy is dragged from his homeland and shipped to America where he is forced to work in the fields by a cruel and violent plantation owner.
"The similarities are uncanny, though admittedly, the Lear Jet that flew me from Lisbon to Manchester wasn't packed with 150 other players sleeping head-to-toe."
Ronaldo also conceded that, while the slave-master in Roots administered brutal beatings, Man Utd boss Sir Alex Ferguson had nurtured his talent, lavished him with praise and turned him into one of the best footballers in the world.
"But without the freedom to do whatever I want, wherever I want, for whatever fee I want, I am exactly the same as a cotton picker forced to live in a shed, dying at the age of 32."
He added: "I know the people will love my acting. Already, in the streets, I hear many of them calling me 'Kunta'."

 

 

MOST ATHLETES LIKELY TO SURVIVE OLYMPICS, PLEDGES CHINA

LESS than 50% of the athletes competing in this year's Olympic games will be killed by airborne poisons, the Chinese government said last night.

Amid fears the pollution was so thick no-one would be able to see where they were going, the organisers have given runners a headlamp and a horn to prevent them from bumping into each other.
But the Chinese authorities admitted there will be 'many, many casualties' amongst both competitors and spectators in the shooting, archery and javelin competitions.
Olympic president Jacques Rogge said: "I am assured the pollution levels will only affect those engaged in vigorous physical activity."
He added: "It is right that we celebrate the great Olympic traditions of freedom, co-operation and physical excellence in the midst of a murderous dictatorship where no-one can breath."
Observers say the pollution levels may lead to a scarcity of new world records with the Marathon competitors being given permission to break their 26-mile journey with an overnight stop.
Meanwhile world leaders have gathered for what is tipped to be a vast and terrifying opening ceremony during which China is expected to arrest everyone in the stadium before launching a full-scale invasion of the moon.
Tom Logan, a trainee solicitor from Luton, said: "When's the 100m final?"

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THIRD WORLD TO TEACH WHITE PEOPLE HOW TO WALK

AS the price of oil climbs towards $150 a barrel, the Third World has offered to teach Europe and America how to walk.
Africa is home to the world's most skillful walkers
With millions of Western commuters descending into urine-soaked panic, African and Asian walking teachers are now preparing for a surge in demand for their services.
Thomas Otangwe, a walking consultant from Zaire, said: "I first learned to walk when I got a job as a farm labourer.
"The farm was 20 miles from my home, but for the first week I would stand in the street wondering where my beautiful car was. Eventually I realised I could not afford a car and so I began to walk.
"Walking is relatively simple. You start by putting one foot in front of the other and then slowly increase the rate until you have reached a steady pace.
"You should then continue in this way until you arrive at your chosen destination. This is the key to successful walking.
"You may want to stop along the way for a cup of tea or a snack, but remember: you will have to start walking again."
Mr Otangwe added: "We have produced a handy booklet with diagrams and an introduction to advanced walking, but be quick because the price is going up all the time."

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RANGERS VIOLENCE BEGAN IN LATE 17TH CENTURY, SAYS UEFA

"THE violence at the Uefa Cup final began much earlier than was thought, probably in the late 17th century, officials said last night.
A Uefa investigation has revealed last month's violent scenes in Manchester were directly related to tensions arising from the Battle of the Boyne, which took place near the east coast of Ireland in 1690.
It is now believed the conflict was sparked not by a faulty big-screen television, but by a series of marginal differences over the correct method of worshipping Jesus.
Uefa said the violence then continued on and off for another 180 years until it was formalised with the establishment of Rangers Football Club in 1872.
Jean-Marie Le Blanc, Uefa's head of riots, said: "The violence in Manchester has deep, complex and incredibly stupid roots.
"It seems to based on an entrenched hostility towards Papal doctrine and an insatiable lust for the blood of 'fenians'."
He added: "If we want to prevent this kind of violence we must establish a single, agreed method for the worship of Jesus across the continent of Europe.
"Oh yeah, and booze - don't give them any booze."

 

Uefa said the ring-leaders included    

King William of Orange and his horse   

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OLYMPIC BUDGET DID NOT INCLUDE £8 BILLION FOR PR BULLSHIT

 

THE original budget for the London Olympics failed to include more than £8 billion for pointless leaflets that will go straight in the bin, MPs said last night.

The Commons Public Accounts Committee said the government had obviously forgotten to mention the cost of constantly reminding everyone how fantastic the event will be through an endless series of glossy brochures, filled with PR bullshit.

Tom Logan, a North London Labour MP, said: "For starters we'll need a really colourful brochure about the hi-tech stadium toilets.

"We'll also need one about the sustainable bamboo flooring in the toilets at the weight-lifting arena and we'll need an interactive CD for schools about why all the Olympic toilets are a celebration of the human spirit. And they'll all have to be translated into Cornish.

"Of course, we're also going to need a really big brochure, filled with some of this country's finest bullshit, about why the Olympics will make everyone healthier and more active, without explaining how that's actually going to happen."

He added: "We must project the concept that the Olympics is good for the whole of Britain and to do that we'll need to employ dozens of London-based PR firms on absurdly inflated contracts.

"Whether or not those firms happen to be run by Labour supporters is entirely a matter for the government."

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AL-QAEDA FURY OVER BOTHAM KNIGHTHOOD

 

OSAMA Bin Laden's deputy has condemned the award of a knighthood to Shredded Wheat legend Sir Ian Botham.

In a 20 minute audiotape, Ayman al-Zawahiri threatened to retaliate against Britain for honouring the former England cricket captain.
Zawahiri said: "I say to Blair's successor that by honouring this man you repeat the insults of Colin Cowdrey and Vivian Richards."

The Al-Qaeda mastermind claimed that Botham's pair of centuries against Pakistan in the 1978 test series was an 'affront to Islam'.
Zawahiri added: "First, he defiled our brave Islamic warriors at Edgbaston and then two weeks later he brought shame on his family with a series of depraved boundary strokes at Lords."

He also condemned Botham's charity exploits, claiming that walking from one end of a country to the other was 'un-Islamic'.

The government dismissed Zawahiri's comments and stressed that Botham's honour was in recognition of his services to Shredded Wheat and Bite-Size Shredded Wheat.

 

Before the Shredded Wheat glory days

 

 

 

 

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