Always manana logo

ALWAYS MAÑANA THE LIGHTER SIDE

>>> Click here to see the latest headlines for the new articles and additions on Always Mañana. <<<

sun

A LITTLE SERIOUS A LITTLE HUMOROUS

sun

Hello, today is  

 

CLICK HERE TO MEET THE STUFFED OLIVES

GET YOUR HUMOUROUS POSTERS HERE 

NOT FOR THE FAINT HEARTED OR CHILDREN: Vodka certainly makes you drive faster...

jurrasic fartjurassic fart click here to play

fly storythe fly story click here  to play

from www.themaid.cjb.net

HOW TO TELL THE TIME- CLICK HERE!

Sports Drink click here!

car for womenAT LAST A CAR FOR WOMEN CLICK HERE

MEN ARE BORN THIS WAY

 

SENIORS BOATING

SOUTH AFRICAN POLICE CHASE

 

 


You should actually do this every year.  Even more often if you spend a lot of time on the computer. This is recommended by Kim Komando (the computer guru) in one of her recent emails.

I was shocked to see how well this works, and how far off mine was!

To re-calibrate your mouse, click and hold on the capital G below, then drag it toward the small g.   

If it doesn't work immediately, you might want to clean your mouse, as the calibration is off.


Good lord!! You'll believe anything


I'M SURE YOU WILL ALSO RECOMMEND THIS TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS ONCE YOU SEE HOW MUCH SMOOTHER AND BETTER THE MOUSE WORKS AFTER BEING CALIBRATED!  AMAZING!

 

airport security solution

It all began with an iPhone...

March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday,
and I got him an iPhone.

iphone   
He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday in June,
and my wife made me very happy when  she  bought me an iPad.

ipad

My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.

ipod

My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.

i ron

It was around then that the fight started......
   
 What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated

into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.
 
  This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

I should be out of the hospital by Thursday!!

 

 

 

OLD LADY IN COURT

old lady

Defense Attorney: 
Will you please state your age? 

Old Lady: 

I am 94 years old. 

Defense Attorney: 

Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? 

Old Lady: 

There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,   

when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. 

Defense Attorney: 

Did you know him? 

Old Lady: 

No, but he sure was friendly. 

Defense Attorney: 

What happened after he sat down? 

Old Lady: 

He started to rub my thigh. 

Defense Attorney: 

Did you stop him? 

Old Lady: 

No, I didn't stop him. 

Defense Attorney: 

Why not? 

Little Old Lady: 

It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago. 

Defense Attorney: 

What happened next? 

Old Lady: 

He began to rub all over of my body. 

Defense Attorney: 

Did you stop him then? 

Old Lady: 

No, I did not stop him. 

Defense Attorney: 

Why not? 

Old Lady: 

His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! 

Defense Attorney: 

What happened next? 

Old Lady: 

Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 
'Take me, young man. Take me now!' 

Defense Attorney: 

Did he take you? 

Old Lady: 

Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard 

 

psychic fair

plane crash

monorail cat

 

chicks

small is beautiful

oddities

love


So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a
sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight
without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet,
conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the
throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just
makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks
the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and
when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a
stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into
the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks
and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the
bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so
worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and
says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best
to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation
that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?



 

On e day a m u l t i
billionaire was bored, so
he asked his butler to get
him 3 men.
A few hours later the
butler comes back. The
man says "OK I've a deal
you can't refuse. Who can
swim successfully across
this pool filed with sharks,
e e l s , a n d l e a c h e s . T h e
winner may have whatever
his heat desires."
No one replies so the man
gives up.
All of a sudden the man
hears a splash. One of the
men is swimming as fast as
he can, dodging all the
sharks, eels, and leaches.
The bi l l ionaire was so
impressed that someone
had enough gut s take
u p h i s c h a l l e n g e . H e
congratulates the man and
asks him what he wants.
The man replies "I want the
Son of a Bitch who pushed me in"

________________

If a turtle
doesn't
have a
shell, is he
homeless
or naked?

___________

I went to a
bookstore and
asked the sales
woman,"Where's the
self-help section?"
She said if she told
me, it would defeat
the purpose !

 

 

A man is stopped by the police
around 1 am, and is asked where he
is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to a
lecture about alcohol abuse and
the effects it has on the human
body".
The officer then asks, "Really? Who
is giving that lecture at this time of
night?"
The man replies. "My wife."

love



London Olympics 2012

London (Stratford) will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012. You may not know that many of the famous events, which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2012. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below:
OPENING CEREMONY
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.
THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc)

HAMMER Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.

FENCING Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages deliveryman. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Glock handgun or sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

BOXING Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

SWIMMING EVENTS All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve."
THE MARATHON A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN'S 50KM WALK Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially anyone that appears to be... mincing

THE CLOSING CEREMONY Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler."


BrandXS 

 

love

aug olive funniesOH TO BE 8 AGAIN!
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite chocolate, M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you
f@*#*! retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

 

 

 

Things you don´t see everyday!

strange picturesstrange picturesstrange picturesstrange picturesstrange picturesstrange picturesstrange picturesstrange picturesstrange picturesstrange picturesstrange picturesstrange picturesstrange pictures

 

 

 

 

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**
**'Hello?'**
**'Hi honey. This is Daddy.Is Mummy near the phone?'**
**'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Gabe.'**
**After a brief pause,**
**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Gabe.'**
**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy, Right now..'**
Brief Pause.
**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs, and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy- That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**
**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**
**A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.**
**'I did it, Daddy.'**
**'And what happened, honey?' **
'Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**
**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**
**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Gabe?'**
**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window.
**And into the swimming pool..**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**
*****Long Pause*****
*****Longer Pause*****
*****Even Longer Pause*****
**Then Daddy says,**
**'Swimming pool? ............**
**Is this 486-5731?'*
**No, I think you have the wrong number........*


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sigs of maturity

 

 

old age

old age

old age

old age

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

PENGUINE PEEKING

 

 

who is your real friend

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DON'T MESS WITH ME

 

back to top of page

STUFFED OLIVESSTUFFED OLIVES AIRPORT OLIVESSTUFFED olives book bugSTUFFED olives summer daystuffed olivesSTUFFED OLIVESSTUFFED OLIVESstuffed olives halloweenstuffed olives pumpkin lightstuffed olives bonfirestuffed olives mistletoadSTUFFED OLIVES NEW YEAR 2010stuffed olives valentinesstuffed olives march 2010STUFFED OLIVES APRIL FOOL 2010stuffed olives may 2010stuffed olives at the barSTUFFED OLIVES JULY 2010stuffed olives wheres my igloostuffed olives clonedstuffed olives halloweenSTUFFED OLIVES GUY FAWKESStuffed Olives and sunburned elfSTUFFED OLIVES NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONstuffed olives valentine 2011stuffed olives barbie march 2011stuffed olives missing easter eggstuffed olives and politiciansstuffed olives in the recessionstuffed olives foreplay in Julystuffed olives on the beachstuffed olives rottweillerstuffed olives elephants on a bike

stuffed olives lsd trip without childrenstuffed olives under the mistletoestuffed olives year of the dragon 2012

stuffed olives lent 2012stuffed olives Easter 2012stuffed olives petrol prices 2012

 

 

 

back to top of page

IF YOU WANT TO REACH EXPATS IN
CATALUNYA…THERE IS NO BETTER WAY THAN WITH CATALUNYA BIZ.
Perfect Advertising for Solar power Suppliers, independent Financial Advisors, Vets, Security, Architects, Surveyors, Translators, Insurance Agents, Removals, Travel agents, Storage, Lawyers, Builders, D.I.Y, Plumbers, Car Repairs, Tax Advisors, Air Con, Heating, Computer, Printing, Broadband, Satellite TV, Mortgages and Loans, Estate Agents, Pool Supplies, Dentists, Doctors, Restaurants, Bars, Hotels, Leisure Pursuits…etc…etc.


Looking for a business then visit our business directory online.

Catalunya biz

Please also visit our sister site for all businesses in Catalunya

www.catalunyabiz.com

_______________________________________

FOR THE DIGITAL COPY OF THE PREVIOUS PRINTED VERSIONS OF THE OLIVE MAGAZINE FROM MAY 2008 UNTIL DECEMBER 2011. PLEASE CLICK HERE OR IF YOU HAVE A CLOCKWORK INTERNET CONNECTION YOU CAN READ ALL PAST AND PRESENT MONTHS ARTICLES FROM THE LINKS ON THE RIGHT:

Please note this website has nothing to do with The Olive Press magazine from January 2012 which is under a different ownership.

The aim of the WEBSITE is to provide readers with various articles some serious some humorous so that there is something of interest for everyone. We have found since moving here from the South of Spain that there is a lack of places to promote and advertise any business you may have. We are therefore offering this WEBSITE as a solution.

We welcome any suggestions of what you would like to see in the WEBSITE. Any articles of local interest or details of upcoming events can be submitted.

We are glad to see people are visiting our web site regularly. Please check the classified and business directory pages as these are updated as and when during the month.
There is also additional subjects and information about living in spain on the web site.

Back to top of page

 

mozillaIf you have trouble viewing this web site in Internet explorer then try a new browser. Mozilla firefox is similar to use, free and more secure.

Website produced by www.stuffedolivesdesigns.com

Copyright ©.All rights reserved. No part of the material protected by this copyright notice may be reproduced or utilized in any form, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without written permission from the copyright owner. No adverts or artwork in the Olive Press Catalunya magazine or Always Mañana or Catalunya Biz web sites may be reproduced or used for print, media or web in part or in their entirety without the express permission of the Catalunya Biz. Adverts and logos remain the property of the magazine and this website. To use any artwork please contact us.

Disclaimer: Always Mañana does not accept responsibility for the contents of the articles supplied by contributors nor for the claims made by advertisers. If you wish to give us some feedback about a client, please contact us.