So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a
sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight
without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet,
conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the
throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just
makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks
the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and
when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a
stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into
the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks
and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the
bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so
worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and
says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best
to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation
that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?

On e day a m u l t i
billionaire was bored, so
he asked his butler to get
him 3 men.
A few hours later the
butler comes back. The
man says "OK I've a deal
you can't refuse. Who can
swim successfully across
this pool filed with sharks,
e e l s , a n d l e a c h e s . T h e
winner may have whatever
his heat desires."
No one replies so the man
gives up.
All of a sudden the man
hears a splash. One of the
men is swimming as fast as
he can, dodging all the
sharks, eels, and leaches.
The bi l l ionaire was so
impressed that someone
had enough gut s take
u p h i s c h a l l e n g e . H e
congratulates the man and
asks him what he wants.
The man replies "I want the
Son of a Bitch who pushed me in"

________________

If a turtle
doesn't
have a
shell, is he
homeless
or naked?

___________

I went to a
bookstore and
asked the sales
woman,"Where's the
self-help section?"
She said if she told
me, it would defeat
the purpose !

London Olympics 2012
London (Stratford) will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012. You may not know that many of the famous events, which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2012. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below:
OPENING CEREMONY
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.
THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc)

HAMMER Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.

FENCING Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages deliveryman. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Glock handgun or sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

BOXING Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

SWIMMING EVENTS All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve."
THE MARATHON A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN'S 50KM WALK Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially anyone that appears to be... mincing

THE CLOSING CEREMONY Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler."

OH TO BE 8 AGAIN!
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite chocolate, M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you
f@*#*! retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Things you don´t see everyday!